Circle

I'm in a place
It's familiar
I've been down this road before
I've been through the same dores
Made this same decisions
Choices arise and I try to convince myself that this time I will decide
Differently
I battle with myself over the obvious conclusion
I talk logic and try to reason with my inner voice
But no matter how right I may be
That one voice that says 'do it' keeps calling to me
It overrules my obvious and supported doubts
It laughs in the face of facts
Stands firm in a sea of truths
Is a rock that can not be moved by the waves of reality
It knows what it's doing is the way and is resolute in it's certain
This voice can not be swayed
And after many tries to convince myself with the obviousness of the disaster ahead
I do what I did before, and does it work out
It doesn't
I have failed
And here I am again in that oh familiar place
Putting up the good fight to not continue this destruction
But again I fall into the circle of madness
I will never break free
I will....
I dunno I just will

Sometimes I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder why tears fall
Why the sky is blue and the grass is green
The difference between the wind and the breeze

Sometimes I wonder why hearts bleed
Why the ocean flows and the birds fly
The difference between elevate and raise

Sometimes I wonder why souls shatter
Why clouds float in the air and bees buzz
The difference between we and us

Sometimes I wonder why love dies
Why robins sing and babies cry
The diference between me and I

Sometimes I wonder why I wonder
Why I ponder, why i feel so low
Why my pain only grows

Sometimes I wonder why all things are and what it would be like if they were different.

Unspoken

I get so... you know
And it gets like... yeah like that
And then it turns into.... yeah
But it's more like that and not so much this
It's just that sometimes...
Well I dunno it's just so...
Sometimes I fell like I could just...
Then other times I don't want to be all...
But every now and then it takes over and I feel... you know
Like this, and that, all bottled up together within itself so it's like this but then again it isn't
Because it feels so, like, um, well, it is yeah that's it.
So yeah, that's how I feel today
You get me.

Change

There are so many things I thought I'd never know
So many things I thought I'd never experience
So much of the world to see that my eyes would never see
Emotions to feel, and pain to heal and joys and dreams that all become real
Things on top of things that are so distant to me
All things I'd thought could never be
Than something changed and there was you
And no, I still don't know anything more than I did before
But the difference is now, I believe
I know I will experience them all
In time

Alone

I'm sitting he on my bed
Alone just thinking
That yeah I'm alone just thinking as usual
No one to shout at me for running late
No one snoring beside me driving me insane
No one to share a slice of toast with
No one to fight over the last bagel in the fridge
It's just, this word alone filters through my entire being
I eat alone, work alone, sleep alone, live alone,
I write alone
And if words are my mistress, poetry my love, I have no one to share it with
No one to force to read my unpublished works and help me perfect my craft
No one to cry with me when i'm hurt
No one to experience my joy when i'm lifted from pain
It's just me as usual and i find i dont want to do much anymore
And should someone come my way
I cling to them in the most depressing ways
And they never like to read, aren't interested in what I write
Wont chill with me in public usually and would much rather hide in the confines of their homes
Keep it a secret
And i'm so desperately alone that even though I know this relationship is doomed to failure
I compromise everything to make it last, I don't care what it takes I'll make it work
Even if i have to sell my soul to the underworld to make it happen
And then it fails again, and yes it really is me to blame
And now I find myself here wanting to do it all over
Maybe next time it will work
But reality has set in for me
And i've decided to let this word alone run right through me
Embrace it claim it
No more sacrifice
I wont cling for a love that I know wont survive
I will wait for something thats just right
So here I am alone, by my own divine decision
I know it's the best thing
I know it's the way to go
But...
I'm falling appart
Dying inside
I'm alone
Cold
Empty
Slowly being destroyed
How could something so right bring me so much pain
If it's better this way
Why does Alone fell the same... As when I am not alone
It hurts too much

Poetic Soulmate

I've been mindfucked
Violated in the worst kind of way
My brain impregnated by the words of a woman
The ideas of someone who knows just what words to use to hit the spot
She slides her lyrics in-between the lines of my mind and fills all the spaces
The rhythm of her poetry pulses against my cerebellum and has me screaming for a deeper insertion
How does she know what words to say
How is it that her pen writes this way
It finds the deepest corners of my mind and caresses their darkness into the light
With just a touch, and a whisper,
Each word,
It lingers, and my brain tingles with delight
Then she thrusts more phrases into me, oh just right
She knows how I like it
This woman, she has saved me
Her lyrics have made me realise that we are one, and that I am not alone
Across some plain of destiny she speaks to me in a code that only I can understand
My suicidal thoughts, and pains are all laid bare in her stanzas
With each comma she takes a moment to thrust more of her music into me
I'm afraid that she knows me so well
But I just cant get enough of the oohs and ahhs and whatnots that her words seem to make my brain feel
Each stanza takes me higher
My entire being spasms to the rhythm she takes me on
She is in control
I become lost in her style and can no longer distinguish my words from hers
My fingers from hers
Each stroke of her pen sends bolts of electricity across my mind
The sound of her voice reading her own lines is oh so sublime
And as she gets into the hardcore thrusting exclamation points
I want more,
Speak to me, speak to me, breathe your truths into me
Entice me with the sudden dips in emotion
Spank me with your fullstops, and smack me in the face with your straight up honest style
Take me on a hardcore ride through exotic, lyrical, wordgasmic, mystical, it's supernatural, unnatural how her words speak my heart
How each letter she types presses on the strings of my tears
And as they come together to form full sentences I know it was meant to be because the sentences breathe and swim on the notes of my fears
My pain is shared, my joys and hopes and dreams laid before me
It's all there, line by line
And there's no need to try to fight it as she straps on her sword of inspiration and shoves it into me I scream out for more
Don't stop, I need your words to fill me
Reach deep down into my core
And the more she feeds me I precum in anticipation of what being a slave to her art makes me
With each thrust I let go more of myself
For I know I'm safe in the world she has created for me
In the texture of her words I find a place to call home
I'm not alone as long as I have her art to guide me
Oh man I'm getting real close just thinking about the next time we meet and she injects me again, impregnates me again, seeds me with the juices of her genius
The depths of the intellectual connection we have cannot be explained all I know is I need her rhymes
Like I need air to breath, cause this mindfuck is that intense
Don't know how much longer my brain can handle it
Her truths are mine, my heartaches my joys, and the secrets I hide, she finds them
It's hidden in everything she writes like each word is just for me
She gives it to me raw, unsheathed
Yeah I know that's risky but I trust her with everything in me
Oh man my brain is tingling, it's almost at the brink, god I can no long think
We cum together,
God damn my mind is left wide open and gaping
Cause that was some thick ass lyrical shit
Her words are that good I keep wanting more of it
No one else can do it quite like she can
And the real fucked up shit about this mindfuck is that my soul mate isn't a man.

Creation

I see my eyes in you
My soul my breathe, my love in you
I see my laugh in you
My joy, my compassion, my heart in you
But something is different, yet still the same
Something has grown something has changed
Evolved into something much more spectacular
A part of me yet, somehow special and unique
And although I can still see part of me shimmer in your eyes
The beauty you will become is in you hands now, not mine
But part of me will live on forever in you
The joys of parenthood

My World

I don't live in a world where it's okay to mistreat women
Where it's okay to treat them less than a man, less then human and think we are justified in that decision
After having to fight to vote, and for education just as they did we should understand how not to treat them,
But apparently it doesn't work like that,
We deserve pity and special treatment and not them

I don't live in a world where it's okay to hate on another culture
To train my children to only like one race
To teach them not to bring 'them' home to date cause they ain't done nothing for you but cause you harm
We got to stick together and look out for our own--they say
But all I see is us, bringing ourselves down
Shutting down all things different because of our former repression
But you know what there was the Holocaust, and women being burned to the stake as witches
And humans destroyed for not being crhistians
We should know how to not hate and discriminate on any other race
Purely based on the same fact that, that was what was done to our race
But apparently it doesn't work like that, only we deserve special treatment

So yeah that's my stance
I don't do double standards
I don't live in a world where it's okay for us to scream injustice every moment we can
To hide behind the guise of slavery and never take responsibility for our own actions
Being womanizers is a form of oppression
Teaching our youth to hate a race before giving them a chance is racism no matter how you justify it
Feeding into hate of any sect, whether white, Asian, black, African or other, is discrimination no matter how you word it
We always say do unto others as you would have them do unto you, but how can this be true
When we eat, sleep, breathe and harp on something so deep, that we manifest all the things done to our ancestors onto the world
We become what they were to us and discriminate right back and consider it just
Well what's right is right and what is wrong is wrong
And if it was wrong when it was done to you I see now way how it could be right when you do it to them
But whatever, I guess that's why I don't have many 'black' friends
Because I don't live in a world where I can hide behind my ancestors hardships and use it as a scapegoat to impose that same hate and discriminate on all those around me
So hate on these words and call me a sellout, that's fine
You live in a world where you can pretend that hate can be justified
I refuse to be a part of perpetuating injustice
Don't like it, whatever, fuck it, just deal with it
I will treat everyone equally until they show me they deserve otherwise
Because fair is fair, and everyone deserves a chance to earn my trust
I don't live in a world of hate,  I live in a world of...
If I have to say it then obviously we don't live in the same world

Mornings

The sun shines and the birds sing
The scent of morning air
The feel of warm breeze as it comes through my window
Spring is almost over and summer is near
And so the seasons change
And with them so should I, but I can't
I just know as the rays dance across my face and head
I really just want to stay in bed

Someone Else

What if these hands I have aren't mine
These lips, these eyes, my arrival to life
If I didn't write with my right but instead with my left
If the secrets I hold aren't mines to be kept
What if my life belongs to someone else

If the loneliness I feel isn't mine to bare
If those I love are someone else for to care
If the tears that I cry in solitude each night
And the ones inside belong to someone else's plight 

Am I wrong to believe that this being isn't me
What if my life belongs to someone else

If someone else got my height, my goals and love
They hold my success, my money, my trust
The unbroken solidity of a family home
The joy, contentment and lack of feeling alone
If all the goodness and greatness I should have had
Was given to them, a mistake at God's hand
They should be me, and I should be them
What if my life belongs to someone else

How could this have happened, why can’t it be fixed
How could the creator make such a mistake as this
My house, my wife, my familly, my kids
My laughter, my joy, my hopes, my dreams
My skin-tone, my friends, my unbroken family,
My body, my contentment, the gift of sanity
My place in life was given to another
My heart, my soul and even my lover
The career and success that is rightfully mine
Is held in the hands of another man, another's life
Still it isn't their fault
Someone else is to blame
In the heavens above
We all know his name
He fucked with my life
Gave me misery and strife
Knowing all along
That what he did was wrong
But the all mighty is always right
So I can’t blame him for his own blight
But I know it's his fault
And I demand justice
He's shit on the wrong man
And he had better remedy this
I don't care if you are the almighty and divine
Give me the life that you know is rightfully mine

But my pleads are futile
I'm swimming in denial
God will never answer though he knows he's wrong
And somehow I think I’ve known this all along
That my shitty existence was intentional fuckery
And God is up there having a blast just laughing at me
But I know I’m right as sure as sure can be
My life's fucked cause God gave it to someone else but me

I Wanted

I wanted you to hold me
I wanted you to kiss me
I wanted you to connect with me
I wanted you to want me
I asked for all these things
I gave you everything
And all I wanted in return
Was for you to want me and you to be--I wanted so much for you and us...

I wanted you to love me, but you gave your heart to someone else.

Rhyme

I was going to write a rhyme
That kept in perfect time
It was going to be sublime
Forever etched in the tapestry of time
It would take your mind to new heights
Give the wings of your soul the lift to glide
Inspire you enough to say
Damn that poem just blew me away
I was going to write beautiful rhyme
But the lyrics seem to have escaped my mind

A Good Day

Today I'm feeling pretty good
It doesn't happen that often
So while I'm shooting through the clouds of bliss I will take a dive into the seas of happiness and swim out into the deep ocean of contentment
Yes that's the kind of day I'm having
The type of day that makes you think maybe life isn't so bad after all
The type of day you keep looking for life to put a pebble in our path to trip over stumble and fall
But it never happens
Things run smooth and you happy cloud never turns grey
You find yourself wishing all days could be this way and just at the moment when you're about to give yourself a reality check you stop, breathe, exhale, relaxe
Today you refuse to let reality sink in
You will believe that tomorrow and the next, then the next day will be the same way
Today you are on such a high nothing can bring you down
You flying balloon is impervious to harm and through the sun shiny atmosphere you soar
Today it is so clear, and you find yourself totally removed from fear
Only joy is in the air
Yes that's the type of day I've had
And this time even life wont bring me down
Today I'm feeling pretty good

Me Is Okay

I've wondered down the long road that is the journey of my life
Turning off at the wrong exits with signs that lead to more distractions
Signs that say, this should be the love of your life
This should be the career path you choose
These are the friendships you should make
These are the friendships you should loose
These are the things you should stress about, worry about, cry about, laugh about, get angry and mad about
Following directions on billboard signs trying to find the life they advertise
Reading the propaganda of all the things that I should be when never considering I am already on the right path made from all the things I’ve experienced thus far
All the mistakes and pains and choices I should have learned from
I ignored them to continue looking for what the road signs of my life tell me I should be
Looking for what I've been taught... what I believe should be the me I aspire to be
But something in me has changed
Something in me has arisen
I've hit a roadblock
Crashed and burned for the last time
And as I sit here burning in the fire I realise I am still alive
A phoenix born out of its own devastation
A new creation and now I see much more clearly
Now I realise I don’t have to worry
Things may be said about me, some truths some lies, but I’m alright
I have made some mistakes but I’m alright
I've been misguided by myself and others but I’m alright
I've hurt myself and others too but I’m alright
I've been stomped on and defeated at times but I’m alright
The person I am
The person I’ve become
Through all the good and bad I’ve done
The me that stands here now today
This being is more than anything can say
I realise everything that encompasses me with all its complexities is what makes me the perfect being I am
I will walk forward embracing my scars as the marks of someone who has survived
I will take each step of achievement as something that I worked hard for and believed in
I won’t sweat the little things and I won’t let the big ones overpower me
No longer will I feel that what I am is not enough
No longer will the exits and detours and distractions on this road fool me into believing that I’m not meant to be who I am
This road holds all the things that made me and many new things that will create more wonderful experiences to add to the evolution of me
This road carries someone that is fantastically beautiful just the way they are
So I’m going to release all the things that made me feel that being someone else would be better
Let the tears of confusion and disillusionment escape me and cleanse my soul of the things that once blinded me
Release the self made shackles of my former beliefs and look at the shell that has always been there and accept the wonderful truth that the universe has revealed
I'm going to empower myself to move forward and no one... not even myself will steer me wrong again
Cause now I can look at my reflection and say
Me... is okay

Chocolate Brownies

Hmmm
I’m eating a brownie – but not just any brownie

That dark chocolate mmm, you look so good to touch, can’t wait to put you in my mouth
The perfect combination of chewy and cakelike, melt on my fingers but come of when I lick them, deliciously divine
A hybrid brownie
Make me want to take forever to make this feeling last, but I don’t stress
No matter how slow or fast you melt in my mouth, move on my tongue
I know what this buttery-sweet-chocolate-creation has in store
A feeling that could last a few hours or more, if I got my balance of chocolate just right
It’ll hit in a while, probably around an hour
Than I’ll be swimming in seas of chocolate

The taste of the brownie, the timing of the chew, the deliciousness of the moment at the time it was devoured
Was only a precursor to what is now coming on as I sit here typing, writing, slowly, I’m climbing
Higher into the sky on chocolate wings, through chocolate clouds, on a chocolate high and I know this feeling will last for hours -- much longer than a small chocolate hit
A few puffs and it’s done… the flavors had its run
And yes the chocolate was good, but I need something a little more Hardcore!
So um up on this ooey gooey brownie tip
This is so good it seems to last so much longer than the seconds and minutes and hours that we use to describe the human limitations of time
Cause time almost comes to a stop when this brownie hits my mouth

These brownies are special, they can do wondrous things
Like Jasmine and Aladdin you’ll be flying on magic carpet, Jeanie in the bottle, high in the sky give me three wishes if I rub you right dreams

One -- take over my mind, open it so that it can be free to swim across the rivers of new and creative ideas
Two -- take me higher and higher and higher, and make it last longer than a regular roll up and smoke it chocolate explosion
Three -- let others experience the joys of what special brownies can bring
More than red and white, falling down the chimney, you need to loose some weight, put the gifts under the tree, eat the cookies fairytale dreams, back up the chimney and leave

Mmmm I guess I blended just right
Cause damn I’m feeling real good, real nice, ready to take…
My mind on a spiritual ride… I bet you thought I’d say ready to take flight
But why take flight--Damn! I’m already soaring high
And there’s no signs of coming down soon…
Man at this rate I’ll hit the sun, the moon, have jager bombs with the stars at night
Take shots with rays on beams of sunlight
Right now I am invincible,
Or at least it sounds good to say it, out loud
But whatever, who cares, I’m done, it’s time to stop
Especially because I’m running out of halfway decent, good but not really,
Awkward sounding, okayish, kind of, sorta, maybe they're rhymes
Inspiration has come to the end
My pseudo-genius has up and died
Like a pie I’m so baked
I’m on a chocolate brownie high

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Saved

I live, I breathe, I feel, but can not heal
I have faith but no belief, hope clouded in despair
I have strength though my body is limp
I see light though I live in a tunnel of darkness
I write to inspire but it's really just an outlet
I sing cause I'm happy though really to stop myself from crying
I wear a warming smile though my soul is continuously frowning
Yes everything has changed since the lord found me
I've been re-birthed, renewed, rescued, resurrected from my sinly grave
Praise the lord, hallelujah, Amen, finally I am free
Then why do I still feel the same

Freedoms Song

I'm in a place that I can’t escape
Even though I hold the key to open the door, as I step through I just find myself in another space-- the same as the space I’m trying to escape
But just across the room, I see another door—and yes the key unlocks it
So through I go expecting something more, something new, something... My heart drops to the floor as my eyes behold a room identical to the room before
So again I turn the key, yearning to be free
But find myself, yet again, in another duplicate chamber

This space I must escape grows with each key turn, each progression that I make
Chambers upon chambers, a maze within a maze
And everything about this space that I try to leave behind
Grows with each new room and my despair is multiplied
And though I’m sinking into a well of saturated madness
And though I know each door will only bring me more dread
Though my logic tells me to throw away the key… I can’t ‘cause I know out there freedom is calling to me
It's singing my name in a key so sweet
A never ending song pulling me along
I must reach it, I know it's behind the next door
But alas… here I am… in the same chamber... once more

There is no escape from this place
There will be no release
But the song keeps getting louder saying “come to me, come to me”
Over voices saying go left and voices saying right
Voices saying do this and others saying not tonight
A crowd of people influencing me, pulling me this way and that
I must break free from the noise, freedom lies behind this door next
But in this next space I sink deeper into the maze

But freedoms song is still calling, that one lone voice above the crowd
It’s so loud I must press on, must continue, can not give up, must run, must run
Must go through this door, must navigate this maze
God why wont this crowd shut up
It's way too loud, I cant hear myself
Can’t find my position, got lost in the space
I must escape--Must escape--Must Escape--Must Escape!
I know if I find the room from which freedom sends its call
My voice will be found and that room will be the last of them all
I will open every door, will continue, will press on

I will not let this maze defeat me, now a new voice says I’m crazy
But I’m not… I'm determined, determined, oh god, make it stop, I cant get out, I cant get out this door has to be the one,
Why does this room look the same?
What’s wrong with this key?
This space is so familiar--the walls, the paint, the smell, the sound--I'm going in circles my voice will never be found
Still the torturous song of freedom continues on so loud

It's laughing at me, mocking me, enjoying my pain, my frustration--the agonizing torment of falling for the same trick over and over again
Well, keep singing your jesting tune
I’ll prove you wrong, I'll win, I'll win, I'll find myself in the next room
Trust me you’ll see… No longer will your melody haunt and mock me
‘Cause this time it will be different
This time I will take my time… open it slowly, slowly, slowly just a bit
I’ll do it much, much slower, than I did before, and take a peek--just a slight glance, in the crack of the door
That's all I’ll need 

Just a glimpse

Nothing more
Maybe I’ll catch the song before it leaves the room
Maybe freedom’s trying to tell me I'm to hasty, move too soon

So I take a peek inside and I cant believe my eyes,
I shut the door… 

Throw the key cross the room… 

Sit in the middle break down and cry
I had just witnessed myself, peeking out the next door, across the room, from behind
I now know why I can’t escape this space
I'm trapped inside my own mind

Emotional

Emotionally drained and filled with emotions
Emotionally exhausted
Emotionally driven
Flooded with emotions
Consumed with emotions
Hiding emotions
And sharing emotions
Emotional Decisions
Emotionally overcome
An emotional creature am I

Journey With Me

Lets travel through time
Journey through space
Take a ride through the ins and outs and in-betweens of what it means to be an us,
A you and me,
A unit of creation that defies all explanation
A conundrum of all the good and bad, the ugly and breathtakingly sublime yet disturbing, up and down yet all around but somehow still grounded... yes--still grounded cause we are together
Joined by something, united by fate... nah it's more than that it's a divine accident
That's what makes it special that it came unexpected
That it just fell into place on it's own unassisted
If the best things in life a total mistakes then we must be a catastrophe
You and me, man we are so... you know... and it's just... like, ah huh, you know what I mean
That thing I don't need to say,
It's internal and physical, and mentally unbelievable the levels in which we connect... join, bond, gel, meld, inseparable, unmeasurable
If one plus one is two, then you plus me equals us, equals we,
We may be a two but our math adds up to one
We defy all the love poems all the beautiful sonnets
No words in any language can describe the amazing power that flows between us
The electricity that sparks every time that we touch
The desire and want for each other as we move in the art of passionate, erotic, hypnotic, exotic, intoxicating, explosive, dynamic, love making
Whether naked or clothed, god I hope you never let go
Hold on to me, feel my heart beat in sync with yours
Cry my tears and I yours
Feel my pain feel my joy,
Massage my heart in your hands and I'll fertilise your love with my love, reinforce it with all that I am
Hold nothing back
Give each other all our trust,
Go into this journey not without fear but with a courage that will help us conquer anything

Dry each other's tears of sorrow and fertilise our hopes and dreams and everything with tears of joy and watch them grow through the years and blossom into trees, that grow a fruit organically designed and enriched with all our pain--our hurts and shames and happiness and sunny days so that we may eat it all and let what we've shared together enhance what we will experience in the future

Put your hand in mines and I'll put mines in yours and let us go forth into the unknown with nothing but our love for each other to guide us
Let us drown in the river of all the things that love can bring and not be afraid when it seems that we might take our last breath,
Cause we know that our bond is strong,
Our hope will bring us floating to the surface for air no matter how far we may sink cause we are blind to how bad things may get
Love has given us the strength to move mountains
Get out of the way world--nothing can stop us with our weapons of mass destruction we'll crush all obstacles in our way
Slice the thorns of prejudice with our sword of companionship
Kill the hindrance of jealous people with our poisonous darts of hope
Stab the evil of haters with our daggers of faith for what we have they will try to tear apart
But no one can destroy this love, more than heavenly ordained, more infectious than the sins any demon can create
And when our time is done, our love will still live on for eternity even beyond the grave cause our souls are so strong they will never let go
Yeah, I'm gloating, but I know there's others out there who know the joy of looking into someones eyes
Over and over and continuously being surprised by what you see
That's how they've got me
I'm forever looking at love like its the first time

I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder why I try
To be more than what I am
To be better than what I seem to be
When the entire world keeps saying you should be happy with who you are
If that's the case how than will I progress and move on
Farther into life
If I'm okay here, I'll have no drive, no need or any care to become a better man
Because the man that I am will be just fine
I'll have no need to fight, to grow higher in humanity
So I'll just sit here going no where
Not doing my part to better the world I live in
Because I'm content
I'm jus fine, where I am
So I'll be happy going nowhere
Being nothing
Just wasted space
Sometimes I wonder why I try

Steeped

I hear the whistling and know it’s ready
I pour the water into my favorite mug—the one that says 'another cup of weed please'
Dip in two bags of caffeinated tea and watch the effects
The color slowly changes in beautiful swirls with each dip
The longer I go through this process the strength of the mix will increase
The darker the water signifies more flavor and as I smell the aroma of this wonderful infusion I know that something divine has been created
This teabag, this tea, this entire operation reminds me of life—more accurately myself

I go through life mad at the downs
Having hallucinations of being attacked, possessed by satan—singing gospel tunes to keep him at bay and extinguish the room’s rising heat
I fight against visions of murder and the joy I would feel looking at the pools of blood beneath my bare feet—how the blood would electrify through my soles and breathe in me like life
I think about how I’m almost at my prime with no children, no education… nothing to show for myself except the dreams lost, hopes shattered and the rubble left behind in their wake
How I am stuck in a maze clouded by my hate of who I am, the dislike of my lot in life, and the struggles only I seem to have
Going through this thought process makes me angry and takes me further into my depressed world
A realm where spontaneous crying will make me certifiable
Where my cheery disposition is only a form of hiding—hiding from the world I don’t wish to be in
I’m suicidal not in denial—just pretending to be because aren’t you supposed to deny when you’re crazy

Why am I inflicted with nightmares of the violating kind—both physical and of the mind
Nightmares of being chased by enemies out of sight but never out of mind
I look in the mirror and I’m repelled by me
During self-analysis I’m repulsed by me
If I had the nerve to kill myself Id try but I’m too crazy 

Too paranoid to follow through with my mind
I flit in from mass murder to suicide in incoherent verse and hope that the poetic minds will read between the lines and make my lines rhyme
But I can’t deny the fear that rises each time I write and hope that my lack of confidence will be overrun by subliminal genius
And now comes the time to bring this back to the steeping of tea that is me

After all that’s been said now it must reconnect to the beauty of the infusion carefully at the beginning explained
My turmoil is the hot water, me the bag, and the entire process is life
On first glance I’m just leaves trapped in a bag but on second I am the seeds of creation
I can only become beautiful once put through the hot water
The more I’m tested the better the flavor and I will become stronger
It’s clear that my trials are designed to make me grow

So as life steeps me and I swirl through its hot water of tribulation, I should be thrilled with the revelation that I am a teabag
Beautiful and unique
That my qualities will be released with the trials the universe sets me and I will be a better creation
But soon all the bags flavor will be sucked out as the stirring spoon presses it against the side of the mug—another cup of weed please
The bag will be thrown away and the mixture will be drunk
Or maybe it will be left to steep a little while longer, the heat subsided, the mixture chilled to become cold as ice
Either way all my turmoil will be digested, grown inside and a new depressed me begun

A normal person will look at their bag and see the necessity of being steeped
But in the end more bags will be created
Each bringing forth the beginning of soon to be saturated torment
Yes a normal person would see, but normal I’ve never claimed to be
I’d rather be destroyed than steeped

War

Some days I just want to bash my head against the wall until I bleed out and die--drowning in a pool of red after I collapse
But the smell of my liquid revives me, so I live on, breathe on,
Life wants me to live and stumble into insanity
I can not decide if I stay or go
Life is in controll.

Statement

If home is where the heart is, and my soul with in me lies... Then during the day I am nothing but a heartless soul

Dream

I closed my eyes and dreamed my entire life had changed. All my hopes and dreams and wildest fantasies were true. I had everything I needed and all worries had been destroyed. I thought at last, finally, heaven has found me... and just when I felt it was too good to be true I suddenly realised that this dream was void of you. So I openned my eyes.

The Power Of Love

Miscommunication
Lost in translation
I don't know what happened
I can't explain it
All I know is you're gone... just gone
And I know somehow it's my fault that we are no more
Our line has been disconnected, our time is over and done
With a simple phrase you decided to terminate, destroy, obliterate the music that is... was us
How could I have been so stupid to have said...
I cant remember... what it took to make you say enough is enough but I fear this time it will be for good
You wont come back like you usually would

I'm a fool, undateable, destructive, combustive
Happiness glows and prospers only to explode in my presence
Love grows and blossoms only for me to pluck it out at its roots
My world turns black as I envision life without you
I need you more than words can comprehend

As I sit on the beach and listen to the waves moving against the reefs I don't find solace in nature

Why wont they call me?

Why is my message box still empty?
Don't they now my life is incomplete without them?
That my world doesn't exist without them here to love me, hold me, comfort me
How could they leave me alone
Sitting,
Waiting,
Knowing what it would do to me-- don't they care at all?
Was what we had a lie? 

As the tears begin to fall I rest my phone on a nearby rock, pull my knees into my chest and let the waves of emotion wash over and drown me to the symphony of the ocean crashing upon the shore

I rock back and forth with the sound and let the tears drop as my body seems to be lifted and transported to a place of clarity
A place where all emotions go when they need a place to hide and call home
Where they can grow into a solid idea that takes you to a plain you never thought possible, that can hold more pain than you can store and transform it into something that even a child can comprehend
I now have a vision and with this thought I pick up my phone and begin to type
After my last word is written I send it knowing I am still temporarily blocked--they wont immediately receive it.

I remove one shoe

I think of the smiles we shared... how just thinking of you warmed my heart

That funny noise you made when eating
The way you laughed at my jokes especially the bad ones

I remove my other shoe

I think of the conversations we had

How you engaged my mind, made me a better man
Helped me learn myself better as I grew together with you
How in your eyes I knew I'd only find the truth

I removed my shirt

I remember how my being bipolar wasn't an issue

How you kept me grounded when by depression I was surrounded
Knew when to ignore me from when to deal with my moods--that were usually dark yet still you gave me your heart
All of you was mine as we travelled through the years together
I released myself bare
To you I was naked
My soul in its most vulnerable and purist form and though psychologically damaged you supported me through it all
You took my cold heart in your hands and massaged it back to warmth

I remove my pants

Your hand in mine kept me firm in reality

Being in your arms was all that I needed to survive, to thrive, to make me value life--and even though you knew how low I was on the inside you persisted in giving me your strength, saving none for yourself
In a sea fraught with peril you were my lighthouse... my rescue... my saviour... my help

I remove my boxers

I never knew how great love could be till you

Never trusted anyone with my secrets but you
Never dreamed I'd reveal my inner demons... my perceptions, evil visions, delusions that seem so real
Never dreamed I'd give the darkness inside me, all that I am and let my tears be cried in your eyes... my heartache held in your pulse
I became more than me
I was transformed into a better being
I became something much greater, from a me to an us... by your power of love lifted from the depths of the deepest well to swim in waters melded with my tears of pain and yours of hopes and dreams
I could never thank you, repay you, or appreciate enough what you've done for me

I place my watch by my phone

I think of how hard it must've been to survive so long with someone as depressed as me

To live in the dark caresses of my mind and survive
To keep me afloat when I'd rather have died
To not be destroyed by a misplaced word
God some things I done, I said, how could I have been so stupid
And now when I need you most you're not here to save me
Our wireless confrontation has left us with incomplete information, now lost forever because you have severed the connection
Cut me loose with one phrase, "I can't do this anymore," and left me screaming, "Hello," at the dial tone
The warm salty air against my body takes me to that place again, where all emotions go

I place my folded clothes and shoes beside my watch and phone ignoring the light saying a message has been received

With each breath I take a step--feeling the sand on my feet... soft and soothing moving between my toes

With each tear I inch closer to the waters start--each drop drowning further the sadness of my heart
The water is warm and soothing to my skin, encouraging me to continue--so further I walk in
To my knees, then my waist, then up to my chest, then into the deep I swim to where I can not stand
The sky is so blue and the water so smooth
The beach seems so small compared to when I was there
I breathe the warm air and smell of the sea and think of the last words he said to me, "I can't do this anymore," and realise I cant do this to him
Bring so much pain
Shower their joy with my rain
Force him to live in the shadows that encompass me and expect it not to weigh him down to the ground--to drown in my soul with hopes that one day he'll be enough to make me whole
Each day that he strives to heal my life slowly and surely who they are is dying
Our love is stronger than all of creation
Our love defies all rules of nature
But at what cost comes my survival?
Is another persons life for mine a worthy sacrifice?

As I wade in the ocean further out into the deep I question how much their love means to me... and how I would destroy him as he gives for me, to survive

He gave everything for love and as more tears flood my eyes I realise that for love, 

for them to live, 

for him, 

I would die

So I submerge and enter the dark

Wind

Today I am a lost howl on the wind

The wind and I sound the same so you think I am part of the wind and not human,
So my cries are heard, appreciated, but unanswered,
Mistaken for the music of nature,
Leaving me unsaved and still hurt

Mine

I see with my soul what my eyes can't identify
I hear with my aura sounds to complex for my ears
I feel with my heart what my hands can never touch

I envision with my mind... No-this truth is mine... I'll keep it inside

Escapeless

I went through the light at the end of the tunnel now I'm in barren wasteland.
Light and dark afford me the same comfort... Misery in different forms

I Didn't

I didn't want to be here again
I didn't want to feel these feelings again
I didn't want to fall into this place
I didn't want to share my life, my space
I didn't want to have you in my arms
I didn't want to feel the warmth of your touch
I didn't want the feel the softness of your skin, to feel you breathe, and moving in sync with me

I didn't want my body to meld with yours
I didn't want our two parts to form something whole
I didn't want to let down my guard
I didn't want to feel the warmth in my heart
I didn't want to feel so joined with someone I wished we'd never part
I didn't want to feel so lost in you,  to drown in your soul, to give you my all

I didn't want someone to make me want to live again
I didn't want someone to become more than just friends with
I didn't want to feel the hurt and pain
I didn't want all the excitement this connection can bring
I didn't want to again feel the need to let go, of everything,
To become so vulnerable, and free
And ready to experience all that love can bring
I thought I had shut that down, destroyed it, forever, but now, you are here
And I'm drowning in my fears in a world full of things that only brought me pain
But now I'm head deep and lost in your soul there is no escape,
You have me,
I'm yours

I didn't want to say I love you again
I didn't want to hear someone say it back again
I didn't want to give up my trust and put it in your hands
But as I hear you say those words to me, my heart smiles and beats so harmoniously, with yours
I'm glad I got everything I didn't want again

L-O-S-E-R

You ask me to spell my name and instantly I reply
My name is spelled, l-o, s-e-r, a-m-I
Usually I cant spell to well
But unfortunately this time I got it right
I'm just a particle of sand in this land
A lone leaf falling from a tree
A discarded item once needed now forgotten

I am without a friend to be mine
A friend to travel through the realms of time, together
I'm not wanted no mater how hard I try to be that which another would want to be theirs
I'm broken and no one cares to fix me
Desperately seeking someone to complete me
But I'm not important enough to love
Or so it seems
Because... if I was... than I wouldn't be-
-Here, so distraught
Here so lost
Here feeling like I am nothing, something less than nothing,
I am tears that fall unseen
I am broken hopes and neglected dreams
I am everything that could've been great but was not good enough to make the cut
So I got tossed to the side and carelessly dropped
And now my pieces are put together all wrong so when you look at me you just see something misshapen, not human, an unidentifiable being
When you look at me,  that's all you see
So how then can I see myself as more than, better than, other than, different from, I'm not really sure because what I could be, I forgot
I just know what it is that I have become
I'd spell it out for you but that's already been done
Worthless, useless, a waste of space, a disgrace to the human race, with no hope of escape, so I must sit here and endure the pain of knowing
That in the eyes of the world I am just mud to be trodden upon
An inkblot on the canvas of humanity
Sometimes I wonder why someone doesn't just extinguish, exterminate, disintegrate, obliterate my existence
The only conclusion is I'm here for their amusement
But that's okay
Over the years I've gotten used to it
For I live a loser's life

Why I Write

You ask me why I'm a writer, a poet an author and there are so many things I could say
I could say how I feel compelled to do my part
How each word I put on paper brings new inspiration
How I hope my words will stretch across the globe and sooth someones soul, let them know they are not alone
I could say how I'm driven by the complexity of words and sound in motion
How each sentence and phrase plays in the movie of my mind and paints such vivid pictures
How it's easy for me to cry when it's hidden in my words
How it helps me to cope with the harshness of the world
Allows me to be me without falling appart
Yes I could tell you a plethora of things to explain what comfort, for me, writing brings
But those are all the things you expect me to say
And although they are all true, they aren't the real reason
Truthfully, I write because I can.

Truth Discovered- written with Soulistic Poet

http://soulisticpoet.blogspot.com/

Breathing is something I do everyday

It comes naturally 

I do it subconsciously without even thinking--it just happens

But today... I dunno... breathing seems like a task

Every time I inhale it feels like I'm swallowing a thousand pins and a hundred needles

With every exhale it feels like I am releasing fire--It burns so badly

I thought about holding my breath, but the heat will leave me in ashes and the pins and needles will leave me bleeding

Bleeding from the inside out

Now my pain has gone beyond merely breathing and has become internalized and my whole body is affected

I feel like I have been injected with a poison that works so slow it will take a whole lifetime to destroy me

So I continue to breathe and question my existence wondering if this is all life should be

Wondering if everyone else has been injected, or is it just my life that has been poisoned 

I see the world walking by innocently, smiling, laughing, loving, hoping...feeling

Damn, am I the only one that's dying this slow and lonely death, or is everyone else hiding their truth behind their smiles

Smiles that they try to shove down my throats along with their religion and other beliefs

Trying to force me to be fake like they are hiding my pain and the harsh realities of life behind a veneer of sunshine

No... I don't think i'm alone

I'm just real, true, honest and not ashamed to admit how I hurt I am and how sometimes, alone, I cry

The more I think about it, the more it occurs to me, that there is no one on this planet who is as brave as me

I face the truth of my poison without pretending it doesn't hurt

I look depression in the eye, as dark as it is, and remind it that I'm the only fearless one left

Unlike the rest I will not pretend you don't exist

I will embrace that battle before me and go in knowing that it may be my last fight

I will fight

I can not and will not hide behind the falsity, the blasphemy of denying life and all of its harsh realities that attack me both by day and night

I am stronger than you and when life rages war against the world you will be amongst the first to be destroyed and I will trample on your remains

Then take your crumbled remains and lace my weed with it

Roll a blunt so big it would make Bob Marley jealous.

I will light your ass on fire 

Inhale the shame you tried to make me feel and exhale a smoke of "fuck you."

No more than that, a ‘fuck you right up the ass’ of the depression you tried to make me feel was of my own doing

Yah karma just came back to haunt you in the form of me and now you’ve been smoked and I'm getting high of my victory 

You thought you had me but your ashes are now my satisfaction 

I'm on top now biotch!

I exhale again

Letting out the tears my fucking eyes wouldn't allow me to cry,

Exhaling the physical pain I felt each time you showed up with your best friend anxiety.

I blow out the memories, flashbacks, and dreams you haunted me with at night

I cant believe I ever trusted you or even believed your lies

You tried to make me feel that because I faced my pain and allowed myself to be truly enveloped in all that was me, that i was nothing, less than nothing, not even anything

And I believed it all because I thought you had my best interest at heart 

But with each inhale of your defeat I find more clarity and maybe even peace but for now... I will put my mind as ease, 

By fighting my lesser demons, 

I will build my strength up for the end of the war

I will practice my round kicks in the face of betrayal and mistrust.

I will give ungrateful Love two upper cuts and blade to the chest, piercing its heart, 

The same way that it pierced through mine.

And with my long sword I shall remove the arms of false security that you used to bind me instead of comfort and console me

Then with my hidden poisoned darts I will shoot your feet so you will never walk over another persons soul like you did to me

Your mouth, a straight jab then I'll pull out your tongue so you can no longer spew the disintegrating acid you call love, oh but dont get exciterd 

There's much much more to come

For I have become a fucking assassin, 

I am full loaded, 4 m-16, 3 riffles and 2 45's. 

I am on a mission, to torture, murder and destroy the false hopes of friendship and family you gave me

I am determined to prove I can survive this thing called life on my own, fuck what you heard this man is an island

And I’m on fire and now nothing can stop me

Nothing is safe from me, 

You made me this way 

Into this perfect killing machine

By filling me with all your negative, destructive, loveless, rotten and molten destruction

But you did not succeed, 

I'm still standing here, 

I'm still alive, strong and breathing and I will find the truths in life because although all you did was lie I've learned that it is still out there 

It's just not in you to find

So I will seek this truth relentlessly, 

Fight your lies tenaciously

Shoot my truth finding bullets endlessly.

For I have fallen for your lies for way too long 

And I've given you power because I became too lazy to give a fuck.

But now that I've accepted your presence, no longer deny your existence, I will not just give a fuck, but I will do so murderously.

I will strike hard with alarming accuracy 

And I will never fail to hit my target and will leave you behind in the same cloud of doubt misery and untruths and lies you threw at me

You are now the only one left standing underneath the rain of the hate cloud you tried to put over me 

But I have now become waterproof in my rain-suit of finding truth

And as i use all that you taught me to pave away into the light 

I will not fear the dark, 

I will embrace the fight and thank you for all the shit you done to me 

Cause if you weren't so fucked up than this new super and awesome being I have become would not be
Your fucking me over only gave the me the power to fuck you up

So you can blame yourself for the creation of your own demise 

See in the end I will just look you in the eyes, spit my new found truth in you face, let it burn like acid and end your miserable existence

No longer will I inhale blades and exhale fire 

No longer will others have to pretend you aren't real

No more fighting my life away, 

For there will come a day when the truth will set me free...

Leaving me ready willing and able... 

Death is your destiny and murder is my mission

So with one last breath inhale your blunt of lies and exhale a smoke truth.

Today Something In Me Died

Today something in me died

It was that part of me that wanted to believe in life
Though it could never quite convince itself that it was true
And now, even pretending, it can no longer do

Today something in me died

A hope that was never quite there but still a part of me
Something that yearned to believe its existence was worth being
But with a wave of its hand life swatted it out, and now... it is no more

Today something in me died

That piece of the puzzle that didn't quite fit
It held a bit of happiness amidst all the hurt and pain and rain
The ray of sunshine cracking through the clouds but now that piece is missing

Today something in me died

A song that tried to impress itself on my mind
Work its way through the noise and voices of anger and hate to break away and be free
But now its song has been swallowed up--by the noise--destroyed

Today something in me died

My soul... the voice that completed me and found all those things I mentioned previously when I was too far gone to find them
It kept me alive when times got to much and the waves of emotions threatened to devour me and plunge me into the bottomless pit of insanity
Now without it, what am I, but incomplete

Today something in me died

And it's not coming back...
It's lost and now I am left here... just blood and bones in a shell of something that used to be human
It was extinguished like the blowing out of a candle and where there once was light now there is only black

Today something in me died

It used to keep me warm, keep me moving, keep me in synch
I could feel it in my chest, pulsing through my body,
Cool, smooth, yet also electrifying
But where there once was a beat there is now a dead space
I shout my name and it comes back to me
Echoing in the hollowness of where my life source used to be--now empty
Where warmth once lived there is now a frosty cave and I fear that it will never again be the same, because cold ice liquid now flows through my veins
I... have been... forever changed, because

Today something in me died

Hopeless

I dont feel like being alive today
I'm not sure what else I should  say
I could explain why
But why?
I could say I'm suicidal but I already expressed I dont want to be alive so why say it twice
I could say that being human is a curse, but then people would start to worry and comment on how things will get better
It's just that I try to do my best
Do all I can to be a good man and be fair in most things
Do I stumble and fall... yes, but I try not to let it get the best of me
I feel like I'm constantly battling life and life is always wining
I'm loosing a piece of my soul with each step
I breathe in the breath of someone who is forced to fight a loosing battle
I'm so tired of getting nowhere and doing everything to be somewhere
Walking the same spot
Underneath a rain cloud that only pours on me
Everything seems to happen to everyone else
But here I am under this cloud, soaked to the bone
Freezing and cold and all alone in a world that has no place for me
A world that constantly takes things from me and doesn't give back
A world that is selfish and asks me to sacrifice my soul only for it to throw me further into my hole of depression
A world that just doesn't want me
So yeah fuck life today
And fuck the world
I don't care what they think or how they feel
Today i'm being honest with myself
I'm being real
And I've had one of those God's fucked me up the ass again today days
And when I screamed he said shut the fuck up bitch and take it like a man
Yeah that's the kind of fucked up day I've had
And how was your day today

Absence of I

Me myself and....
No we mustn't say it
That word must remain hidden
That letter stricken from our memory
Because we, together, can be an us so clever, and do it all with out ever having to mention him
For we are strong, funny, rude and unique
Sometimes a little depressed but when we are at our best we can bless the world with words of interest that can sooth the soul and make the most saddest of hears realise it's not alone and find hope
Hope in our words and inspiration in the verses that we create
The emotions that evoke out of us are motivational, sensational, confrontational and good conversational works of art
And as a friend we may not be perfect but we do the best we can
Putting our friend's hearts before our own at times
Committing selfless acts of kindness that need no payment in return
Because that's what friends are foor
To give for the sake of giving and friendship being the only payment needed
Yup we can do without that other guy,  yup its just you and.... oh he almost slipped in there again
So lets just say me and you instead
Swimming in the seas of our depressive head
A unit of imperfect harmony
Sometimes up sometimes down
And often mad at the world and smiling when we would rather wear a frown
And other days just mad at the world and cursing our existence
You know even writing this.... oh man there it was but it was caught just in time
You see what was supposed to come out was that even poetry depresses us at times
But through the storms, and rain, our lives has been raised
Survival has found us even through the most devastating trials
Happiness still aludes us, sanity too
But that's okay as long as you got me and.... um me got you
Another lucky save that was but yeah we don't need nobody but us
And inside ourselves we will find a love that breathes in the words that we write
An anger that is never hard to find
And every now and then
Through they hazy mist of our existence
Love breaks through, and heart can be seen
So fight on we must
Live on we will
Travel through the seas of life on a ship built by our own hands
And even if we crash we know will get back on track
Because we are invincible
Me myself and.... shhhhhh don't say it
He knows who he is.

Stubborn Heart

I've put my heart in a bottle and wrapped it in hate
I saw no point in sending you something special
In any case all I have is myself
Just an unworthy man, who knows your far beyond his reach, out of his league
But my heart it beats for you
It bleeds your tears when you cry,
It breaks when your heart aches and feels the pain that lies deep down in your soul
All it wishes is to make you whole, but to you I am glass
You only see whats behind me and don't know how my heart yearns to beat in synch with yours
How it is connected to your being
It can not see a world with me that doesn't include you
It cries out for you buy day and night
Each beat sings your name
It brings you into my dreams--the only place where your heart and it can meet
I try my best to tear it away from you
Replace you, destroy all memory of you,
But the more I fight my heart the more it insists that I'm nothing if you and I are appart
It wont accept that you dont want me
No matter how painfully obvious it is or how lonely and depressed it makes me to yearn for that which I can't have
If only I could reroute my hearts path
Why is it refusing to listen to me
It's mine
I should control it
Why cant I stop it from wanting you
Why do I cry at night at the thought of you... knowing that you see right through me
Dont even give more then a 'hi' and a slight nod when we speak
The kind of noncommittal action you give a bum on the street
But it's enough for my hearts wings to flutter
To it you said hi on the winds of love
I just don't understand why I love you so much
This infatuation is taking over and ruining my life
I'm going crazy, cant think or eat right
My whole world revolves around what you're doing
Where you are, who you're dating now, and what it would be like if the person that received all your love were me
What it would be like if I was the friend who's shoulder you cried on when you had a broken heart
But I'm not that close to you
So I just watch you come and go as I sink deeper in my hole of lust for you
My heart has locked itself to the idea of having you
And there is no escape now
And I can no longer stand the pain
I have to kill the pounding in my chest
It's been too long since my heart spoke to me
It only has time for you,
I have been lost and forgotten
So I'm plucking out my heart and stuffing it in a bottle
Yeah how do you like it now
If you want her you can have her, and I'm stopping it air tight
I hope you die before reach her
And I'll grow a new heart that loves me and cares about my feelings
And I hope you die slow so you can feel the torment you've brought on me
How it feels to yearn for something that can never be
So for now I may be heartless
But my wounds will heal
And tonight for the first time
I'll sleep in silence

Grey

I'm in a world

I fit comfortably

I do what's required

Play by the rules 

Smile when they say smile

Do what they do though I don't see things their way

Why

Because on the inside I'm grey

My eyes dont see life's beautiful hues

My soul doesn't sing tunes breezy and full of life--it sings minor harmonies

It plays in a key so sad and depressive on a piano made with keys of doubt

Violins moan in stead of wisp along in happy exciting moments of wonderful memories

The soundtrack of my life is sad and bleak

Because on the inside I'm gray

A color that exists only in shades and different variations from light to dark

Pictures are darkened by me

Given depth by me

Highlight in so many ways through thick, hard, and even swift lines

The lead of the sketches the artist of life creates is the color of me

But you wont let me be that person deep inside

So

Forever 

I hide 

In the light

Because on the inside I'm grey

I'm a combination

Like blue and red is purple

Like red and yellow is orange

But you only see the face I put forth

The man the the universe has conditioned me to be

Because you dont see anything as a blend of unique qualities

For you black is black, pink is pink, and white is white

But I'm much more complex 

The beauty I see lives in the idea of grey

The power that can be when forces unite

When we let down our divisions

Our sects, our positions and boxes we try to lock each-other, friends and lovers, enemies and frenemies inside of

So when I say I don't see life's beautiful hues

Thats just me, why should I have to be like you

For it's in the middle where we are all the same and we realise that its our differences that make us this way

So I will take the blacks of my soul and the whites of my heart and mesh them together so they will never part

And swim in endless seas of grey, depressive... maybe

But honest, most definitely 

And you can live in your separated colored world

With no matching harmonies and see everything singularly

So you just see blue I'll see purple

You just see red

And I will see orange

But through all this the one thing I wish I could do

Is show you, teach you, change you, make you into a being more intricate

Who can see more in the world

And do all this without making you quite the same as me

But alas, I'm stuck pretending to be this person I know that I am not

Survival always turns around to bite me in the ass

Sometimes I wish I could just fuck life up the ass

Because I just want to be grey.

Poet

I breathe in a language that you know but don't understand
I speak in a way that needs no translation but is still lost on you
I communicate in the same form as you do
In a voice of a dialect that you also use
Sounds that you know but can not comprehend
And words that are simple yet beyond your capabilities
Cause I live in a space that defies all rules of logic
Where words cross all boundaries and nations, cultures and races
To the young and the old, there's no place I cant be heard
You envy my reach
You lust for my appeal
You try to hide your jealousy but it is oh so real
That there's nothing about me too different from you
Yet I can bring people together release their hidden pleasures
All their hopes, pain, laughter, and rain,
From the insane to the wise I am the giver of life and the breather of dreams and all the thing you hate and wish you could be
I am the truth
I am the lie
I am the one thing you can never deny
The voice of the person who longs to be heard
The invisible friend in the room when one feels all alone
The ocean and sea and all nature bends to my will
The dreamer of dreams and the deliverer of hopes, and love, and all the things you have but can not touch
I'm am less than, more than and sometimes just enough
The right amount at any moment of what a person may need,
I am unseen tears cried, and shared joys... beliefs
And you are just a lost soul conditioned to the ways of the world
You don't feel with your mind, your heart body and soul combined into one unit the same as mines
Your aura was sold, your attachment to life destroyed
And all the things you should know, you don't know anymore
So beat me down with your hate
Destroy me with your pride
But I laugh in your face
From me there is no escape
And when I am dead and gone my legacy will continue... breathe on
For I am a poet
I breathe life in my pen

Undercover

Take me in your arms again
And I feel you pull me in
Kiss me like you did before
And your lips press against mines once more
Speak to me in lovers' speak
And I hear you hum into my ear
Look into my eyes and see my soul
And your eyes smile back into mine

You take me places I've never been
Deep within me a passion rises that allows me to breathe anew in the mix of what is me and you
As I feel your touch I'm taken in
You read me like a book and search me like a map
You need no plan of attack and know just were to go to get the reactions that turn you on
Which landmasses to touch and rocky planes to cross to send me flying into erotic zones of never ending bliss
And when we kiss the world melts away as we melt into each-others arms
It starts of with a slow tingle
A light tease
Just enough to let me know, where this is going to go
And though I'm begging please just take me now
You know that my body wants more than even I know
So you go to those places that only you know how to go
Find the hidden treasures that bring me such pleasure
And you find pleasure in pleasing me, so I find pleasure in how you please me so
We both together enhance each-others abilities as we go on this ride and climb
No longer a slow tingle
We've gotten to a smooth burn
Our insides are starting to churn with anticipation
I don't know how much more of this I can take
As you touch, lick, flick, massage, nibble
And bite, soft at first, and then real hard
The pain makes me react with a moan mixed with a naughty laugh
And we laugh together, and roll in the sheets of passion
Then it's on to the candles
Drip, my body moves, drop I move again
Drip Drop, I move and I add sigh.
Drip Drop, Drip Drop, Drip Drop Oh god!
I cant get enough of this play
My body screams for more
And now the smooth burn is becoming a raging storm.
Then comes the blind folds for the both of us, handcuffs for me
Now starts the fun
Hard, wild, animalistic, intense
Spasming, pulsating, orgasmic fantasy
I submit to the pleasures my body feels as they flood through me on the waves sin
All the things that they do to me have got to be sinful
Cause something that feels this good has got to be oh so bad and wrong
And after a few multi-orgasmic moments
Handcuffs of it's time for round two
Its tasty, yummy, sticky, gooey
I'm a human hot fudge sunday smothered in ice-cream and champagne
Drizzled with honey and painted in chocolate
Then slowly and agonisingly licked clean then repeat
I'm getting to the point of exploding again
Then they slow it down to torture by nibble play
And I say bite me
And they follow my command
Harder I say
And willingly they obey
As I command and bend them to my desire
It's now my turn, to give orders take charge
Spank me, carry me, suck on my toes,
Carry me to the kitchen, grab the whipped cream you know where it goes
Lick it all off and don't leave a drop
Did I tell you you could speak
Shut the fuck up and give me what I want...
And so they did
In the kitchen the bedroom out on the balcony and in the backyard
Will this marathon ever stop
Can my body continue to go higher and higher and higher on this plane
Soaring into the clouds of lust
And gliding on the winds of erotica
And then we're both there at the same time
We're there and we cum and cum and cum
And fall together too exhausted to speak as we slowly get back to breathing normally
And we smile and you kiss me again
And I find myself saying what I always have said

Take me into your arms again
Kiss me like you did before
Speak to me in lovers speak
Look into my eyes and see my soul

You know what will make me whole, what my next line will be
You know that I love you, and that I know you love me
But I'd like to feel you admit it
Receive more than just the words that come from your mouth when you say it
Claim me as your own
Release me from this secret dark world
Be mines wholly and fully
Beyond the cover of the starry night sky
Go into the world, face your fears, let down your guard
Do it with me, I wont hurt your heart
I've given my all to you and you've given all to me
Lets no longer hide this love
Lets shout it from the mountain tops
Sound of music style twirling in the wind
And finally let this love go to the next level
Look into my eyes and see what I yearn for
Feel the pain you cause each time you leave me here alone to pine for you through the long cold days
I cant read your response this time
My tears may not have changed your mind
So I give it one last try and repeat to you my hearts desire

Take me in your arms again
Kiss me like you did before
Speak to me in lovers speak
Look into my eyes and see my soul
Don't ever let me go
And stay with me until the morning

You say nothing and just hold me tight
And in your arms I fall asleep and cry
I know you wont be there when I wake
Maybe our love will grow another day
And soon the new day comes... but wait
In your arms, this cant be
He didn't go, he didn't leave.
And as he looks into my eyes
I ask him why, and he replies

I cant live without you in my arms
Without your kiss to warm my heart
The sound of your voice is music to me
And I don't see your soul but mines inside your eyes
So I'll hold you tight and never let go
I can no longer hide our love it needs to grow and show
Be set free
So I'll stay with you this morning
And the morning after
Till from this life we are torn

Couples Should Die

"Couples should die."

I mumble to myself
When did this happen
How did I get here
To this place, this space, this area, this postion
This point in my life where I'm jealous, no envious of what you have that I don't
I'm disgusted by the sight of it
Angered by the thoughts it provokes deep down in my soul cause all I can think is
"Why not me.  Why not me."
Why did life choose them to walk hand in hand down the street
Sharing secrets that only lovers can keep
Why am I on the sidelines
Merely a byline underneath their full and beautiful skyline
As useless as a lamppost on the side as they travel through life
In such blissful company god they're everywhere I look
How could this be
That I have been chosen to be one of the few to live a single life
Not by choice but by design
Not by desire, or any will of my own
I'm just stuck here wishing for all that they have
The things that I want
But never seem to come
My way
So I just watch and stare as they smile into each-others annoyingly happy faces
But it doesn't stop there
No there's more I fear
Each argumental confrontation, of people in such relations, and the bitter conversations that they hold
Do the same thing, have the same effect,
Make me so angry that I don't even have that
Someone to piss me of, make me mad, fight with over stupid dumbass shit that we cant even remember when the fire has died
No one to love enough to make me hate them at the same time and feel like I cant survive without them in my life
Oh to have something that swam on the winds of everlasting harmony so beautiful, melancholy, amazingly and wonderfully imperfect as soothing winds turn into raging forces
Clashing against one another, form friction and tension, as we say hurtful things to that we know we don't mean and then... the storm turns to sunshine
And we both realise, together we are much better, greater, stronger, and entity of oneness in two parts yet with one connected heart
I want it all,
The good the bad,
The happy the joyous,
The hurt the sad,
The make up and breakup of a pair that can never be torn apart
Destined to be,
So heavenly and eternally, with nothing in heaven or hell that can break us
But all this thinking, has got me thinking, as I see more couples walking side by side
See them sharing smiling in each-others arms
And even when they sit in silence I can see the love that moves between them like invisible bolts of electricity
So yeah it gets me thinking again, "Why is it them, and why not me"
So angry and depressively, and growing in my enviousness and malice towards something beyond my control
The sadness inside me slowly grows
And I'm forced again to come to the fact, that I will never ever have that which I pretend I don't long for
Each day I want it more and more, but here I watch and stare
Bitter and alone

Deep inside I'm drowning in my tears

Voice

"I'm glad I woke up today."

Don't believe him
He doesn't mean it
Listen to me
I'll tell you his secrets
What he really means is he hates each new sunrise and each new breath
Would rather seclude himself from the world, be alone, in his home, never leave his bed and face reality
Not when he can live the world in a constant dream,
But his dreams are full of nightmares so he doesn't like it there either
Happiness... what is that
To him it's a foreign idea
Glad he woke up?  I laugh at that.
Who does he think his fooling with his faux optimistic outlook
Even an idiot can see it isn't real and not truly how he feels
But just in case you can't that's why I'm here
To sort things out and make it clear
But don't let him know I released his truth
Let's keep this all between me and you

"I am hopeful about what today will bring"

Is he serious,
Clearly he's delirious,
I cant believe I'm even hearing this
But here's the real deal,
Here's what he wont tell you
He loathes what the new day will bring
He wishes he could just live in a world of make-believe, but sadly this can not be
The new day brings to him the reminder of the person he is and the one he will never be
The face of the man full of the opportunities that escape him looks back at him in the mirror, and taunts him with the possibilities of a reality, that will never be known to him
Life is his worst enemy
It only reminds him that he is nothing in the big scheme of things
Just a lonely dot in the ant farm of the world of people that come and go each day seemingly happy with their mundane existence
But he is not, he is alone, he is sad, lost, destroyed, and swimming in a void full of wondrous things he knows he will never reach
If only he could defeat life at it's game
But life has been ruining mankind for so long it's arsenal is far greater than anything he could combat
He sees no hope in the new day, only more of the same,
And as far as he's concerned this day can fuck right of till tomorrow
He yearns to wish today away
Still... let him keep his secret
But I speak the truth, believe it

"I am ready for today and am impervious to negative energy."

Who the hell does he think he's fooling
God I'm even ready to knock some sense into him
He knows he sees nothing but hate in the world
Nothing but backstabbing, self destructing,  rapping the world of its natural resources kind of people
Everyone is evil
Out to destroy him, bring him down and bury him alive
So yes he's ready
Ready to fight back, kill or be killed, destroy at all cost, get them before they get him and never play fair
He is a bomb of undercover destruction
A snake slithering in the grass, and in an instant he has you in his grasp squeezing you to death
Cause in his eyes you're already dead
You've never once tried at all to lift him up or hold his hand
And I must admit although he is a bit insane
He wasn't always like this so I do understand his pain
Of wanting to see the good in the world and only receiving hate
Trying so hard to be better, to grow, but the vipers of the world wont let him move on from the low, depressing, sad state he's in
So yeah he's on the defensive and he plays to win
He always has his guard up--always ready to attack
So to hear him say negativity cant harm him, is a falsity at best
He has been broken so many times that all he understands is strife and unpositivity has a profound effect on him
He just cant deal with it
But since he won't listen to me I'm telling you, instead
Just so you'll know
It's not the truth

"I'm happy to be alive."

Sometimes I wonder how I survive in his head
Sometimes I wonder why I am not yet dead
Cause this is the biggest lie of them all
Yet this is the one lie that works the most
He's suicidal, crazy, not quite there
More dangerous to himself than even he is aware
But I am and I do all I can to help him
But he's so far gone...
He doesn't even remember the times when he used to laugh and really enjoy it
The times he said he was joyous and could actually mean it
But I hold on to these memories, I cant let them go
Because one day someone will listen,
One day the universe will send me some hope
I mean us, him, for I am just a voice
The one who fights off all the others, I have no choice
If I am to die, then so will he
All the hate, anger, jealousy, depression and suicidal intentions will be all that is left if I don't fight
So this one lie I let make it to the front of his mind
Cause I know that over time it has the power to heal
One day this phrase, this farce, will be real
And we can be friends again, be of the same mind
And all those other voices will be forced to die away
Go back to the hell they came from
The battle will be won but for now, I must keep the truths and tell them to you
But please don't let him know
He might try to take action
The last time he caught sight of my plans he fought me with such aggression I was almost destroyed
I went into the black and when we woke up we were staring at the ceiling from a hospital bed
With gashes in our wrist.... So please help me secretly
If I let my guard down again it might really be the end
Because every now and then I can break through and that's when I really need you
When I escape you will know
That's when he will speak the truth
When I can talk directly to you without whispering through his lies
So please just work with me I promise it will be all right
Any moment now it will happen
Please just one more moment wait, don't leave
I'm almost breaking free

"Why do I tell these lies to myself."

There I am, now speak back to me.