Sunday, 23 December 2012


Today I breathed....
Then again i did that yesterday
I walked, talked, ate, drank and then fell to sleep again
Today is just a day by a different name
A day designed the same
Made to create the pain and torture of the previuos one
A new day has started, begun and forward I must go

But why

Why do the same
Why live the way I did and cry the way I did and wish life would just swallow me up whole and push me into the abyss of long lost dreams of hope to be forgotten, why do these things as I did that day gone by
The day that was the same just with a different name
Maybe there is something in a name change
Today I shall be Joshua.... no wate Jordan... no Timothy...
Now lets see if things change
I breathe in the fresh air of the new me
Walk in the shoes of a brand new being
Changed, renewed, washed, clensed, revived
Shed the skin of my formerself to become someone else
But inside the truth lies
Inside I know the real me still wants to curl up hide and die, escape the pain that is the exsistance of me
He sees darkness through eyes that glow with hope and shimmer with the success of things longed for but never attained
Swims in cool waters longing for the warmth of a loving touch, a hand to pull me from the waves on to dry land into arms that heal me with their saving heat
Inside, Timothy, has not changed

His mind is still broken
His will shattered
His soul in pieces and he no longer has the heart to put them back together again
He is completely and wholly incomplete but as long as he's Timothy he can pretend
Pretend he's not this person and live a life free of depression and woe
But only he is fooled by this farce
For the name has changed but nothing else knew that it should also be changed
So maybe what's in the name is what we allow it to be

What's in the word, the phrase, the letters on the page and those that escape from the mouth only hold the meaning that we, them allow
So if Timothy is a mask in my mind, than the new name will just cover the old me
The me that is the same
So I breathed again today just the same as the day before
But if the name of the day is the only thing that has changed... maybe just maybe there's one last hope... one more chance to save myself from myself and be reborn a better self than I was before
I remove myself from the chain of names
Names begone
Leave me forevermore
So today becomes nameless and I, without a name, cease to exist
Now I breathe no more


I sent a message on the wind may it rest on your ears 
Sent a hug in the breeze may it keep you company 
Whispered a prayer in the sky may it shine down on you through hard times 
Sent you a bottle of my tears so when you cry you won't cry alone 
Sent a song with a bird that it may fly warmly round your heart 
A boat out to sea to save you right before you drown 
My arms I give freely in case you need help up off the ground 
My soul, my will, I breathe into you, so we'll never be apart 

All that I am, I give 
All that I will be is yours 
I'll protect you, feel your pain, feel your joys, travel with you through the rain 
And even though we are no more I send my heart with you, that it may beat on forever with yours 

I've taken my life so that you may live on 

I send my love from beyond the grave defying space and time 
May you find strength within my memory, for I am always yours though you are no longer mine

Sunday, 16 December 2012


I look in the mirror the same as I do each morning
Staring as if I could will something new into existence
Hoping today’s face and yesterdays won’t be the same
Maybe, just maybe, something has changed
I sigh and realize I’m in for more of the same
Floss, brush, rinse, repeat, my regular morning routine
But as I rinse and get ready for the second round
I look in the mirror see something and smile
Sometimes you have to look beyond what you see and as I look at my reflection I’m not surprised to find something pure, genuine, beautiful, and divine
Something that is but yet still isn’t mine
My mother

Every breath I take is filled with the love that she breathed into me
Every step I take is on feet made steady by her guiding hands when I was just moving from crawling to learning to stand
All the tears that I’ve cried whether times are good or bad
All the laughter, contentment, strength and good character are all things that I’ve learned and grown to understand with the passing imprints she left in the sand
Just long enough to leave their mark than disappearing with the waves after doing their part
To leave me alone, standing in awe of her awesome tides to go forth into the lands and create my own life
Love, heartache, friendship trust, charity, independence, strength of heart, everything that I write I create wit these hands, are a part of me now, forever, to the end, because of this woman I am who I am
So as I look in the mirror I see loves sacrifice
‘Cause she gave part of her to me so that I could have life

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Not Enough

We are everything together that isn’t quite here or there
We meld into each other so well, from the outside all is right
On the surface the waters are calm
My heart is yours
Your love is mine
Our all is each other
Together we are more than one… we are us
But something is not right
Amiss, a link that cant be found
A puzzle that appears to be complete but is only missing just one piece

We force ourselves to see a whole

Shove the key into the wrong door and as it opens we close the page on the thing we refuse to see
It lurks behind us 
Threatens to rise up and destroy us
But we have love to guide us
Love will destroy this evil and build a fortress against it
Set its soldiers to defeat it
Love will win
Love always wins

Then why do we still not fit

Opening doors with the wrong keys
And locking away the truths of our destiny
We will stop at nothing to keep up this farce
We are meant to be
Destined to be
Designed to find each other and sink into a love so deep we drown and enjoy the pain of constant suffocation

No one knows a love this strong
It conquers all

But in the shadows truth hides
In the parts of our mind we cannot access for it knows there it will always be heard
Always be free to slowly, methodically and torturously annoy us with what we thought we had locked away
Together in love we run
As fast as we can
Away from this truth for we have love
Abundant and overflowing
But we cannot out-run it
It hits us from the front and behind
Above, below and at the sides
Truth has us trapped
How did it finally catch us and what are we to do with it
Love help us, guide us, show us the escape route
There must be a way

Denial has always worked

We’ve been so good at it
Worked so well at it
Convinced our hearts our lies were truths and let love take us beyond what has now cornered our minds
Denial will no longer work
We must face the awful truths
We know what to do but all within us compels us to refuse
We’ve been here before and know love wont sustain us to the end

But why oh why cant it

It’s supposed to be the healer of all things
Magical, all powerful
Indestructible… that is what our love has been through the years
But truths denied are truths that refuse to hide
What do you do when love isn’t enough

Saturday, 8 December 2012


Today breathing is difficult
But then again it was yesterday
Breathing is laborious and with each sneeze my chest and head feel the pain of the existence that is my life
With each cough I realise the disgusting mucus of defeat that clogs my world and makes it difficult to inhale
Migraines pound against my soul reminding that all hope is... well that it never existed was never with in my reach
Beyond my grasp and moved so fast that it could never be gone, because hope... it was never had to be lost
My puffy eyes make it difficult to see the good things life has for me and cost constant irritation as i use the infected hands i coughed on to rub and ease their pain
This only seems to make them hurt more and tear up in the moisture that drowns my heart in hopelessness
The hopelessness that forces my heart to gasp for air as it tries to stay afloat
Heat washes over me in freezing temperatures forcing me to sweat out liquid that sends my body into confusion
My heart mind and soul are reacting to heat though it is freezing cold
Though they are dead from the feverish state life has put them in
My being for a day when oxygen flowed through its lungs, its body was at a constant temperature and eyes never threatened to irritate my existence
And just when things couldn't get worse mid cough the disgusting mucus that covers me in a film of hurt and hate that I cant escape gets caught in my throat
Life sends me into a coughing fit in order to allow myself to dislodge the none breathing state it has put me in
Life has made the cold to strong, to severe and its mission is to torture me
If I die its fun will be over
The cold is designed to remind me of the things I am and what I will never be and if I cease to exist lifes mission will be incomplete, over
No more control, no more life to alter, hold down press at the same time and delete
And as I go blue and ready to take my last breaths
To be free from my distressed breathing, drowning heart, mucous covered soul and burning eyes of shame, one bloody painful disgusting cough and my throat has been cleared
Life breathes a sigh of relief as I return into my sick state
With all the feverish symptoms life can now again use to keep me in a permanent state of almost destruction
So yeah breathing is difficult today
But life likes it that way
But even life can make a mistake and next time it may not be so lucky
On the other side the sickness of life will be gone and I will win and at last be free
Life will defeat itself
But maybe, just maybe, not by death
Maybe I will live

Sunday, 19 August 2012


I have a question.
Well more of a favour
I need you to lend me something,
Just for a while
If you can it would help me oh so much
I wanted to use my own but I seem to have run out
Come up short, used all up, and now that I need it most I am without

See I tried to drown myself in them
Wash away my fears with them
Let my emotions be covered by them like a cascade
Shimmering with the liquid rushing over its surface
Wanted to spray them in the mist of a waterfall
Dampen the dryness of my soul with them and dive into pools of feelings of sadness and joy and hurt and pain and swim through the seas of hate
Wade in waters of trust and float on the lakes of love
But when I went to take a dip I found the well was dry
When I went to drink the cup was not full
I tried to float but was standing in the sand
I've used mines all up and no matter how hard I stab myself with the dagger of life, and bleed in the pain of strife
There is no reaction,
Nothing ever happens,
Just feelings on top of feelings, flattened together compressed and needing release
Wanting to be set free

So could you please just help me to release my all
Let go of my everything
I want to feel again, breathe again, know what it means to care again and be angry once more
But all I had in store is no more
So I ask of you, beg of you, please let me take for just a moment from you this one thing that I need
I promise I won't ask for much more
I realise that even this is too much but I'm desperate and I have no one else
So I ask could you please lend me
Please let me borrow
No... I want you to share, till eternity
Your tears with me

Monday, 30 July 2012

Wonderful Surprise

I'm in love with a boy
And it came unexpectantly
You just up and entrapped me
Enchanted me, grabbed me and made me your property
I became yours
All there was before was no more, you hit me right at the core with your smile of sniper vision acuracy
You spoke your chant and instantly I was entranced and into your arms I was saved without realising I had fell
Yeah,  you got me
Yeah, You got me good
You knew what you had done to me
You enjoyed watching me fall completely into your grasp
But it's okay, I aint mad
You're the best thing to happen to me
If I could do it again I'd beg for you to enslave me and hit me with those entrancing eyes
Meet me again for the first time one more time
Make me want to win you, have you, build my life around you
I'd beg for another first round knock out, hit me by surprise, couldn't see it coming right between the eyes situation
Funny, never would've thought this could be
See with men, this is how I treat them
Dick gets hard, yeah we should fuck
But with women, man on them I could crush
But you, man I just cant explain
Just one look and I crashed and burned
And the craziest thing about it was that my typical reaction didn't happen
But yet I knew it had to be you
Could be no other
I had to have you in my life forever till the end
We had to be an us
And although it didn't rise for you, I knew this time it was different
In an instant I was shot down and you the preditor had me
So I'll hold you in my arms forever
Never, ever, ever
I got a hardon for your heart
No erection necessary

Monday, 18 June 2012


I feed birds bird
Well I feed pigeons chicken
I try to convince myself this is wrong but the more they gather around my bench the more scraps of chicken I discard
Food I paid for with money I don't have
But they jump up beside me desperately seeking the nourishment I have
Never putting their face in my container of food but close enough to touch on the bench beside me

They can feed themselves
The aren't the homeless on the street waiting for someone to care enough to pick them up out of their condition
They aren't one of those starving children you see on those infomercial asking for our pennies
The pigeons will thrive whether I feed them or not
Yet still, here I am, breaking of meat and biting it and using the piece left in my hand to feed to the birds

I reason that it's a different species
Chicken, not pigeon
It's kinda like saying if you feed me Brazillian it's okay
But people are people... I'd still be eating human
But somehow I feel calm as I watch the little birds nip in quick and beat the pigeons to the meat
Some of the pigeons are just bullies on a playground of lined bricks
I love to see that no matter how hard they try the smaller animal always triumphs

I guess what it really is, is that I wish I could be a pigeon
Be able to fly away
Roam the park benches for what the people will throw my way
But I am already human and in need of so many things
That means I'm part of the race of feeders... We are all human
There is no one to feed me
I will never get what I need
And with this reality I continue to feed the birds

Self Identity

In the light I live and breathe
In the light I tell degrees of truth
In the light I see what needs to be done
To keep you oblivious to the me you'll never see
Because I hide when I know you're watching
In the light when I know you can see
Samuel Alexander

Skinny Jeans

The way this feels is excruciating, suffocating. I’m crying out for air, I need to breath –with every step my movement is restricted. I wish I could travel back in time when things were different – when I didn’t feel so trapped, airtight, longing for escape… release. It’s the worst thing to happen to man, oh how I long to burn them –I hate them.

These Fucking,

Skinny Jeans
Samuel Alexander


What does it mean?
What is it really?
Is it that feeling that makes you all warm and fuzzy inside?
That thing that takes you into a world you never knew?
Is it something that’s traditional?
Boy meets girl, girl meets boy and they consummate their relationship with a bond of trust before marriage
Is it all the things they said it would be?

It’s something more
Something so complex it can’t be described in this world or the next
It isn’t the obvious or what we’ve been told

It’s hard
It’s rough
It’s compromise
It’s change
It’s letting go
It’s up
It’s down
It’s not black and white
It’s gray
It’s unexplainable
It’s undefined
It’s perfect because of its imperfections
It’s so intricate that even the best suspense mystery can’t compare to the shocking unknown and creative ways in which love can express itself
Make itself known

So why do we believe in what we are told?
To trust in the obvious
The limited views of what love should be

Love for me is the thing that just is

Why do I love who I’m with?
Well... you know... I... It’s just amazing... It’s not solid
It’s all over the place and doesn’t say much but that’s the beauty of it.

Love is unexplainable

It’s that thing that simply exists
That’s what we should look for
That connection that’s so great so indescribable that the limitations of the human mind and justification can’t label it
That’s what I want
Something so magnificent I can’t explain it
It just is.
Samuel Alexander


What an awesome gift
I find myself with
I feel as though I am
So wonderfully blessed
To be given such freedom
In such a wonderful kingdom
The land of earth
The place where I was birth
Choice to choose my own path
Choice to choose to smile to laugh
Choice to be happy and choice to be sad
But then there are the down times
The when i'm falling down times
When I"m drowning in fear
Feel depression so near
Covering my head like a cloud
Drowning my soul with doubt
Then they tell me my gift giver always has a plan
That it will somehow work out in the end
And then... it doesnt... and I realise
God's just a kid with an ant farm, he isn't planing anything
Samuel Alexander




Open again

Samuel Alexander


I fly on angles wings
Soaring through clear blue sky, as i rise high...
Feel the wind blowing in my face - find rest, peace, tranquility and escape my worries for just a while...
And almost forget to fly back to solid ground
Samuel Alexander

Sea Of Life

One day while out for a swim the ocean turned into something I didn't wish to be in
The waves started rising and the water flow picked up its pace
Rain started coming down and my heart began to race
Rocks appeared out of nowhere and obstacles magically materialized
My arms grew tired
My legs grew weak
I thought I was going to die
Yet all those around me seemed unaffected which started to make me lose my mind
I thought there was no way I could make it through and was frantic thinking of ways to survive
And just when I thought I'd reached the end the waves became calm and the stormy weather died
After being so distressed and scared I thought I must've been in the sea of despair
But soon after I realized
It wasn't the sea of despair, but instead the sea of life
And I was still in it.
Samuel Alexander

I Wish

I wish that I could cry
My feelings I didn't deny and hide them so deep inside
Cry to let the whole world know
My heart is dying in the cold
I wish that I Could cry
I wish that I could cry

Why can't I forget how crying felt
The salty water upon my skin as I released the pain within
How it was for me to share my words of pain in all my tears
Even share my happy times now glad and sad are all inside
The memory of what crying used to be
Each and every day it tortures me
Why can't I forget how crying felt
Why can't I forget how crying felt

If only I hadn't wished my tears away
And became who I am todayWhy did it upset me so much
To cry everytime something hurt me... I was touched
My sadness must've made me blind to forget I need tears when times are kind
And now I have doomed myself to a life destroying feelings that should be felt
How could I have cursed myself like this?
If only I hadn't wished my tears away
If only I hadn't wished my tears away

I am yearning to cry again, three times again and then once more, release whatever it is I store
Yearning to stop using words and use tears
To use all my heart mind body and soul and cry till I can swim cross my emotional holes
Yearning to feel again that which once made me sad
Those little damp balls escaping from my eyes
It's funny how you don't miss something till it's long long gone
Still... I am yearning to cry again
I am yearning to cry again

It's funny how you don't miss something till you don't have it any more
It's funny how something that seemed so small could mean the world to me
I realize now it was a gift, I selfishly threw away
Not realizing that it would come back to haunt me another day

I wish I hadn't wished my tears away
I wish I didn't yearn to cry again
I wish I could forget how crying felt
I wish that I could cry
But I can't
Samuel Alexander

Rain--The Feeling

Rain is falling on my heart
Falling hard against my chest
Pounding down on my skin
Drowning me deep within
Crashing against my soul
Flooding my inner holes
Plummeting against my eyes
Hitting so hard I can't even cry
Rising all around me
Making me feel so sad and empty
I wish I had an umbrella
To stop the rain falling on my heart.
Samuel Alexander

Sunday, 17 June 2012

I Am

I am what I am and I am what I be
Why can't anybody see that who really is me

They push and they shove and then say it's in love
And all the time never considered what's on my mind
They see what they want for me and never realize
I'm the only one that can see life through my eyes

They say I won't amount to anything
They're finding ways for me to reach my dreams
But never once do they encourage me to try and form my own way

Just once I'd like to have the choice of finding my own path
Even if the road I choose places me in last
At least I'll know that I can't blame no one but myself

I am what I am and I am what I be
But the only way that you can see
Is to simply let me be

Samuel Alexander

Just Once

Just once I'd like to have the chance to throw my life away
Just once I'd like for someone to listen to what I have to say
Stop trying to see what's best for me
Making me into what you want me to be
Pulling me by both arms until you split my world apart

Just once I'd like to have the chance to make a big mistake
Just once I'd like to have the chance to fall along the way
Maybe become a professional criminal, a hit man, bank robber, CIA agent
Living in a world of espionage, excitement and covert operations
Not knowing if I'd be the one on the reviving end of someone's gunshot
Or if my next museum heist will be the one that gets me life

It doesn't matter whether things are bad or good
Doesn't matter how they appear or seem
It's more about the choosing itself, about me being able to choose my own destiny

Freedom to figure things out for myself
I'm tired of everyone influencing me calling it help
So to all that are listening hear me now today
Just once I'd like to have the chance to throw my life away.


up and down,
pastionate and stagnant,
voices in my head,
voices surrounding me,
they're here,
they're there,
they're everywhere and for this they try to 'pill me'...
all these things encompass an emotional me, a me with layers from sane to insanity...
my depth comes from my instability,
so leave my mind undrugged to sink into madness...
I'd rather be crazy than garden variety...
crazy... I feel --
crazy... i love --
crazy... i exeperience life in all dimensions...
so pill me not and let it be what it is, cause there'll always be some 'sane' in the midst of this in-san-ity
Samuel Alexander

Ode To Alcohol

Alcohol.... Alcohol.... Alcohol.... Alcohol
Mmmm.... Mmmm.... Mmmm
Nuff said.
Samuel Alexander

A Body Modification Story

"Burn them at the stake as witches."
That was the cry back in time to deal with people who were different
Trying to keep them all the same
Not much has changed
From the times of the holocaust to treating blacks as slaves

So... I"m sorry... you don't like me because I have a tattoo on my neck?
Well I don't like your nose but you don't see me complaining.
You cant be serious though
I'm a bad person because I have a cross on my arm?
I don't respect my body because my navel is pierced?
I can't get this job because love is written across my hand?
I don't judge you because you're tall and I'm short
What was on the outside didn't make the person back then and it still doesn't now
Discrimination is as discrimination does

You don't want me here because of what's on my skin then maybe I don't need to be here
You think I"m scumb because my eyebrow is jewled
But it's my decision... you choose not to and I choose to do
It's my skin, my canvas to do with as I choose
You dont have to like it or approve
But neither should you not allow me a normal exsistance
Just because of my body modifications

The tattoos on my arms, the artwork on my chest, the studs in my navel my nipples and ears
Don't hate cause I use my body as a form of artistic expression.
A way to channel my passions
To symbolise those I cared for
Friends lost and phrases of hope for me and maybe for others
I deserve my freedom to express myself and what better way to tell part of my story than to use the canvas life has given to me, and imprint my life or my passions within my own skin

Supposed the roles were different?
I was the norm and you were the freak
You don't have your navel pierced... we cant be friends
No body art of any kind... you cant work at this establishment
No piercings no tattoos.... I"m sorry but the world we live in isn't for you
What if you were on the other end of discrimination?
You without the body modifications
And we, those with, trying to modify you to be how we say you should be

So to all you discriminators and self rightous haters
"The bible says it's a sin," and the  "you don't have respect for you body " sayers
Now that the rolls have changed
We are the rule
And you, the clean canvased, are not modified the right way
Now that i'm in your shoes I'll say what you said to me
Burn them,
Burn them at the stake as witches.


I take a moment to stop and breathe
Time to channel my inner peace
Take me to a place where my mind can be free
A place where I can be calm
My soul at ease
I am searching for silence
That empty place where all things grow
New ideas and some of old
Finding places within me full of knowledge I didn't know I knew

So I'll empty myself and reassess
Or empty myself just to revisit
To ensure my mind and soul are one
I must reach my silince and linger a while to let what needs to flow back in do so unfiltered

But outside forces invade my silence
Noise in the form of violence and hate
Jealousy and evil
Backstabbers and Liers
Pretenders and disbelievers
All coming at me each and every way
Crowding my silence with their polution
Not allowing me to fill it with it's own growth solution

I've removed all my own noise
I've done my part
I've emptied my void so I can start the process of evaluating myself
But how can I do what i need when my silence is filled with invading activity

Silence is golden only if the world excepts your scilence and lets it be
So for silence to be golden we must destroy the noise
And to do that we can not remain silent
Samuel Alexander


If only I could lose my pain
And make it through the clouds and rain
Just fold it up all nice and tight
And through it out into the night
But supposed someone caught it
Would they now feel my emptiness
Would it take away their happiness

Well maybe I'll just store it and leave it for a rainy day
But when my days are dark and gloomy will all my pain come back to haunt me
Or will the pain I have at that time be the only pain that's on my mind

Maybe I'll just store it in a bottle and hide it in my closet
Maybe eventually I'll forget it
But after too many bottles are full and I go to open my closet door will they all fall out on top of me
Or will my closet grow more room as the pain inside me blooms

Maybe put it in a bottle and send it out to sea
Floating away with no destiny
But what about when the tide brings the bottles to shore and pain surrounds me evermore
Will I throw them back in the ocean or crush them with my empty emotion

Well I guess, somehow, someday
I'll know how to work my pain away
But until that day I'll just cry, cry, cry
My pain away
Samuel Alexander


You can help me, but you wont
I'm here needing a helping hand but all you do is bitch and complain
I'm tryn' to do the best that I can
Make the world I live in better first for my kids and second for me
But all my life you've let bad things happen

So here I am at the end
Strugling to survive but the only thing on your mind is...
Somtimes i just don't know, how so many people can be so cold
In this day and age we all need support
Fuck where have all the good people gone
Shit i'm tired of cryin cause no one will hire me
Tired of being alone cause no one wants to be with me
Tired of looking in an empty fridge
A woman on edge living day to day...
Taking whatever may come my way and I look to those who can help
Those in the position to give and save me if only for just a while
Feed my familly if only for just one night

Dumbass fathers with no sense of parenting
No connection to the seed they've planted
Cousins and aunts and other family
Always looking for escuses to turn the other way
Always finding ways to blame it on me
A goverment that helps all the dead beat moms with five baby daddies and a job
Giving them money to survive
Yet here i am just grasping on to life
Staring into my children's eyes, the love for them is my only will to survive

So again tonight as I realise everyone can help but chooses to deny me a chance to better myself and familly, and is content to treat me like the worms crawling in the sand under the soles of the shoes on your feet as you stomp down on my dreams....
I sit here again and cry

But I'll survive

I'll move on
I'll get the degree you said I couldn't
You may knock me down but I'll come back full force
Because of your chocies I've been batterd and used and mentally abused yet here I still stand
Above it all... and when I"m on top you'll say that's my daughter
That's my neice
I went school with her
I always knew she'd be something
Suddenly you'll want to be a part of the women that is me
When the only thing for me you ever did do
Was treat me like scumb
Look down on me
Abandon me
Think I was beneath you
Fuckn' fake wana be sponging of me assholes

Oh but don't worry
You will not get off easy
Forgivness shall not be yours
Claim me you will not
Cause I'll remember the broken, destroyed, dead, lost, insicure, suicidle heartless, cold, angry, bitter, shell of a woman you tried to make me
I'll rember the choices you made
The person you were then and still are now
I"ll feel it in the core of my soul that
You can help me but you wont
Samuel Alexander


This is it
It's all over
Too much...I'm done
Don't know how I got here but now that I'm here I know what must be done
What I must do to be free
I will no longer be a slave to the world
Will seperate my soul from its bindings to earth
I see the light at the end of my choice
I don't need an oracle to explain... I know which pill to take
The wizard can not help me there's no need to click my heels
This life has done it's last damage
It wont harm me anymore
Tonight it all will end
I filled the tub with water so it don't spill everywhere
Got all the tools I need to close me off to humanity
I take off my clothes and get in
I feel the metal against my wrist but my hand wont move
I try to apply pressure
Will my very essence into the act but still my skin remains intact
I am more terrified of going on than I am of staying
Terrified that when I'm gone nothing will be waiting
Is endless black worth more than the devestation and destruction life brings
The more I think 'yes' the more I want to leave and the harder it becomes to escape my agony
Though my heart wants to stop with all its might
I cant seem to take my life
You always think it's so easy
Gun in the mouth, hanging, and slices of wrists
But it takes extreem determinaition and much inner strength to bring ones own life to an end
I can no longer see them as weak now that I've been here and didn't have what it takes to leave this place
Now I realise and understand that killing someone else is easy
It takes much more strength to take ones own life
Samuel Alexander

Everybody But Me

Everybody's got somebody
Everybody but me
Everybody's got somebody to love
Everyody but me

Someone to hold when you're down
A person to create a smile from your frown

Someone to take a punch when you get mad
Someone to hit you back every chance they can
To argue with for no reason and to hate when times get bad

Someone to cry your tears when the world drags you under
Someone to fight your battles when you can handle them no longer
Someone to share your joy and the burdens of your pain
Be there to save your life when your drowning in the rain

To hold your soul in their hands and travel through the universe of the beautiful storm of loves creation, as you take their heart and together you join in an unexplained unity of something more than love, that breathes on mother nature's elixer and travels on the clouds of father time

Everybody has their one and only someone
Everybody but me
Samuel Alexander

So Wrong

I see you but you dont see me
Or maybe you do but can't admit it
Still you're designed for me
Almost the right height, complexion, and just short of the mark of love and conception
A little more morals than I like but it would keep me grounded where I am not
A voice that melts me and shapes me
A scent that envelopes me
We are joined together by uknown forces but not quite cause you dont see

You've got a boyfriend, grilfriend, both
I sigh and realise that you'll never be mine even though you are a perfectly designed peice to complete my puzzle and make the perfect art of my lifes brokeness

Then you come up to me when the other is gone and up close I realise there's more about you that misses the mark of my perfect love and yet... stilll... it makes me want you more, As we exchange numbers in a casual none hookup way just in case someone sees I realise I am just another number on your list
Digits with no name just a face that adds up to the perfect sum of one who can  be easily used and abused

They know they've got me but still I fall and sink into their bed the next night
I plunge full into love slave and I drown
This is one drowning I'll suffer through again... here in my bed
With all the things slightly off still to them I am drawn
Through the imperfections is a brilliant masterpiece that sucks me in and  bends me to their willl
You're perfect for me
We fit and join easily but it can never be
Cause I know when you look at me you don't see me
I'm just prey to your preditor
Samuel Alexander


Through my nose and through my body
It takes over... enticing
It tingles and travels through me sending me high
Moving me to levels uknown
My body almost thinks it's too much but it's always just right to make my passion rise
Nature rise
Dick rise
Almost orgasmic yet not quite there
Edging me on that point of almost no return
Just before the explosion
So close but yet so far
I can live in this space forever
Oh the places it sends me
The scent of you as you walk by
Samuel Alexander

Igor--Hurricane 2010

It's comming
I'm not scared... but prepared
Got my lamps, candles and flashlights
Yeah, I'm gon' be alright

Books to read should the power fail and food to eat if I feel the need
And can not leave
My home for a while

But something's missing
Something isn't right
As I sit here pondering into the night i realise... I'm alone

No one to hold
No one to love
Just here in solitude
Just me, and myself... to wait out the wild winds and rain
The thunder and lightning
I'll be by myself... alone... and cold

Storms remind me that I'm not loved by anyone because that's the time you want to cuddle up and feel that you will be safe
Wrapped in the arms of another
The warmth of two bodies laughing in the dark
Whispiering tales after the lights go out
In eachother's arms, together you breathe and everything will feel calm
You'll feel at rest and at ease as your hearts protect you from danger

But here I am
Just me
That's all
With no one to call that will just hold me
No one to call not wanting to make love?...Surely not they just want to fuck
All these numbers in my phone yet I have no one to call

Why is it always on stormy nights that I'm reminded what's wrong with my life

And though alone, my heart is full

Alone is never an empty void
Its space is filled with depression , self loathing, sadness, emotinal blindess and other morbid things that bring you to tears of silent dreams of becoming another being, worthy of someone's love and not the person you actually are
Not the person who can't seem to attract more than lust from anyone who dares enter the space you call alone
They just fill it up by becoming another truth of the object of desire that you are by far in comparison to the intended man of substance who's heart they should want to massage into higher states of love

I want to throw my phone out to sea
Star over
There must be someone out there for me

But try as I might I cant let these people go
Stealers of the aura of the part of me that could be loved
For each moment of lust the man I believe I am gets swallowed in all the things that make up the nothing I call alone

Still i keep them
I need them to feel alive
It's an ongoing conflict between my fear of being by myself and my need to feel loved even if it's only in my head

So... I shake my head and sigh
And wait for the storm to arive

This hurricane will come and go
And afterwards I'll still be here... I know
But another part of me will surely die
Because I will not survive the hurricane inside
Samuel Alexander

I Am Ready

Sometimes I wonder... Is it me
Is there something that I've done
In my past life... In this one
Or some evil future that will soon come to pass
What did i do to deserve what I have, or what i dont have

I'm ready to give my all
Depserate to hand over my will
At the point where nothing and anything could stop me from taking my own life if it would give me the chance to be the one in someone else's hands
An object of obsession and devotion and all the good and bad emotional avenues of expression that creates the sensation of love

There is nothing I wouldn't give
No act so hanious I wouldn't commit
No amount of self deprication I wouldn't subject myself to
No embarassment I wouldn't bare
I would relinquish all that makes me the person that I am
I would destroy the aura of what I've become and turn into a completely knew being if I knew for sure it would bring love to me

I'm ready to accept all that it is
The ugly and beautiful and comprise and the undifined places both in light and dark that love will take me
All I ask is that they are willing to do the same for me
I guess it's asking for too much to be loved
Maybe I should just stick with someone to love
Someone for me to throw my all into even if I dont get it back
But even that is denied to me
Love actively hides and runs when I come in its direction
Though I've prepared myself through the lonely nights and all the pain I've felt inside to be open for it to come in
In any form love should choose
In any place it should choose to appear
Whether through storm or light of day
I'm standing armed to recieve love right here... now... today

But alas... preparation clearly doesn't matter
And I fear I'll be alone here and the here-after
But I know I'd win it over if it slowed down only just enough to at me look
Cause then it would surely see
That I am ready for love
Samuel Alexander

Meet Me

Will you meet me in the middle
At the end of where we begin
When yesterday and today are one
At the space where here and now becomes after
Where the end of heartache meets it's mend
At the point just between emotion and crying
Will you meet me at the transition between where I was and where I am
At the small place between contentment and devistation
When self doubt ends just before inner strength steps in
At that split second in time when winter meets spring
Where the robin gets it's inspiriation just before it sings
At the moment before sunshine turns to gray and falling leaves
Will you be there at the transformation between sleep and awake
At the moment just when a moving path becomes a dead end
When the terminoligy of drop turns into fall
At the turning point of where we are - the space of change from where we've been
When time hits the space when it moves from like to love
At the void between journeying and the start of the end
Will you meet me at the place between awearness and a dream
At the moement in time before left and right becomes between
When sound and silence meet
At the point when closing turns to shut
When night disapears before the start of day
At the space when a hug turns into loves embrace
When you become me just as I become you
At that sudden change from love to hate
Will you meet me in the middle when you and I became us
At the place where our love began and live in the moment before start is end

Samuel Alexander


Live is evil backwards and live is to be alive, so what does that mean, seem, oppose, suppose, whatever's clever to endever in this world it is what it is -- even when it isn't it changes like blue skies turn to night... you thought I'd say cloudy but there's more to change than just the obvious routes and ways to say and comprehand the knowledge that is power and weakness -- all in the same wondering who to blame for the insain that's really okay, not certifiable so our denial of insanity is really acceptance of all the things that dreams are made of... conceptual intillectual, directional, infection always somewhere around nowhere... inbetween there and here, not being anything tangible yet in my hands I can feel it though it simultaniously slips through my fingers like water -- I shoulda coulda never thoughta ways to make it be more than what it's not, while being what it is -- isn't it that while still being this? oh yeah, ah huh, mm hmm and just enough of every nothing when up is down, but down is in the center, a vortex so complex it distracts from the fact that everything is every-seems and together yet apart and switched around so there is no singular meaning for everything even though there is... nothing is the something of the empty space that is full and it comes right back to the thought at hand... Live is evil backwards and live is to be alive so maybe life is evil and living is sinful, whatever I suppose, I don't know, but I do... yeah I do
Samuel Alexander

To Chocolate With Love

I sit here and think of how I feel
Mind's a pace heart's a racin' or should that be the other way around
But that's how you get me, all confounded and confused, and loose in speach yet clear of mind as time travels through me while I travel through it, to a place of halucinatory sinful acts that enact a story so complex a love that could never be matched, a celebration of a union so beautiful and amazingly great, as we partake of eachother, how you feel against my lips, in my finger tips this is, never a hit or mis it's a hit hit breathe it in and back again, let it grow while it flows into oceans, who knows, where it's goin where you'll take me no make me or break me just create me, in a love only for you the things that you make me do the laughter you bring, the emotions you send between the oceans on a love barge of new and inventive ideas how things suddenly apear, life could never be better than when the two of us are together forever we never thought we'd ever have each other but now, I got you and you got me lover, I swear I could never love no other, Mary Jane, MJ, marijuana we are lovers, you and I
Samuel Alexander

Life As A Movie

Life sucks ass... no orgasms involved
It moves from one tragedy to the next like a good movie dissolve, with a rippling effect as the next scene moves from the back to the forefront... fooling us into believing the next act will be better 'cause we are lost in the space of the fade-in, then find ourselves anticipating the next fade-out
But instead... get a sudden cut -- giving the cinematic experience a confusing pace
Too many jerky pans and misuse of steady-cam when it should be handheld to give it a more natural feel
Unsure if these reels hold the film of a movie or a series and before it can be figured out... there's another choppy cut and a zoom-in to the brilliant enactment of your awful existence
No cuts -- just endless streaming of horror that you can't turn away from, then...
A sudden zoom out to poor focus
The screen is hazy and unclear
Your acting can't be seen, only a text that says 'good times' and as quickly as it came... it's gone
The good times got little screenplay... were out of focus
And after this final transition the quality is digitally enhanced to perfection and there you are, filmed in your best close-up -- in an orgasmicless life-sucking-ass situation
Back where you started in artsy -beginning is the end- scene
     Roll credits
          This movie's done

"Who edited this shit" and you realise you were the one...

Now ain't that a bitch.
Samuel Alexander


I woke up this morning feeling like I could fly
Feel the air on my face as through the clouds I rise
Flapping my wings propelling to new heights
Hear the whistling of the wind... I continue to climb
With the lift beneath my wings I level, spread them far and glide
Over mountains and oceans surveying the beauty of life
In the wonder and art of the sprinkled evening sky
Overhead looking down as across the lake the moon shines
Sparkling and shimmering on ripples through the night
The magnificent splendor passing the horizon at sunrise
Flying through the rainbow after rain leaves the sky
And soaring through clouds scattered cross blue skies
Breathing the free air as I continue my flight
The soothing colors as I beat while the sun rest its eyes
I woke up this morning feeling like I could fly

It's All In The Mind

I’m feeling depressed but it's all in my mind
So my mind is depressed so does that mean that I...
Am not -- could it be that it isn't what it seems
Could there more to what I see than what I feel… hear… or believe

If it's all in the mind than is everything really something else
If happiness is a state of mind then what happens if to everything this rule is applied
If life is what you make it then what happens if all things are governed by this statement
Hmmm... I wonder

So if everything is what I make it then nothing is what it is
The intense emotion felt when a mother first looks in her newborn’s eyes, when giving this rule could equally be none existent, since it’s all in the mind
The connection you feel to your friends and loved ones is merely phrases on the wind, since its all in the mind
The heartache we feel at the loss of one close to us
The pain we feel at the betrayal from a lover
The anger we feel when someone does us wrong and the weariness and struggle of weathering life’s storm
Are merely just words and empty expressions
Because… if applying the rule ‘it's all what we make it’ it becomes clear all of these things aren’t real… don't exist

We always say these phrases when times are down, but if everything lives according to these expressions, then everything in life is solely of our own artistry
All of our emotions become null and void because it's all in our minds… it's all what we make it so nothing is tangible
Nothing can be held in our grasp because if it is all of our own design, then it all amounts to nothing
Just stuff on top of stuff that we create to make our days go by so that we can feel better
So the happy people can feel better by telling you life’s what you make of it without ever considering the reverse can be said of their contentment

So if this rule applies to everything then all of life’s experiences can be molded and changed
Are lucid and fluid and every and anything amounts to a lack of solidity
It's all just stuff floating around waiting for us to take an ‘it's all in our minds’ stance and change it
So I’m feeling depressed but its all in mind my mind
So my mind is telling me I'm nothing

Friday, 15 June 2012

Ratings are Overrated

Fuck... Oh shit there goes my PG13 rating.  Consider me rated R.  Yup and only in the first sentence.  Yup it's been a while but now that I'm back this ratings thing is bothering me.  What is, the country that shall remain nameless, issue with bad words.  Or words that they deem too inappropriate for the ears of the under eighteens.  Yup you heard right.  Once you go up to R all teens or children not of legal age are excluded.  I can firmly attest that this makes sense because as a teen i never used the words fuck, ass, shit, bitch, or cunt.  Hell i didn't even know what this words meant until after the age of eighteen.  Yup so i totally fucking agree with the ratings system... not.

Here's why.  I love children's movies.  I know I'm way to old but they are freakn hilarious.  They are good fun but it's funny what things slip in.  Most of the jokes are adult jokes cleverly disguised in child dialogue.  But i digress, my point is they usually have explosions, high-tech weaponry, death... Up, comes to mind, Bambi, charlotes web, the lion king, the pacifier, the list is endless.  It gets better... Lets jump up from G to PG-13.  Okay we've got all the spiderman movies, push, sherlock homes-the new ones- transformers all of them, the transporter, all of the Xmen, iron man, okay i'm stopping here.

So far we've covered death and extreme violence.  And i haven't even made it to made for kids, not teen, movies like spy kids, and the like.  Bombs explosives, death, and so on.  But all of these movies, i own hundreds I'm just to lazy to list all the ones that make PG-13 or lower, have things in them that the ratings system should concerned about.  Why is violence so accepted but a curse word is not.  You're only allowed one fuck and it absolutely can not be used for sex otherwise you're now a rated R.  That is all it takes.  Is something wrong here?  Yes

When you watch made for teen movies like saved, 100 girls, not another teen movie, beautiful thing, quincenarra, like it is,  home room,   and the  like... movies that star teens or young adults, and deal specifically with the issues of coming of age and questions that they deal with all have to be dumbed down language and content wise to squeeze in through the ratings.  Otherwise teens cant see them in the theaters, granted with downloads and black market and ticket sellers who don't care about age this is hardly a problem.  They will see these movies.  The issue is they should be able to see them in teen form.  Without the removal of bad words, the fight for as much reasonable sexual content or conversation the ratings will allow. 

As a teen i pretty much bypassed all teen movies.  I cursed, didn't drink, talked about sex and loved action.  The problem with the made for teen movies specifically, not the major block buster like the recent superhero movies, transformers and so on, they didn't allow them to delve in deep enough.  They couldn't, due to restrictions, touch the struggles i was really feeling, holding, experiencing during my own coming of age.  All the coming of age films were trapped in this ratings deadlock and as a result i found them lacking.  In a round about way it forced me to watch more indie films so it had it's pluses but still, when i watch a teen movie, it should BE a teen movie.

So back to the point, a lot of the block busters that do make it through tend to have some sort of violence guns and all sorts of other things, and the only difference i can see between a bourne movie, and say a transformer movie, is the dialogue.  Violence is violence.  Death is death.  Explosions are explosions.  If a teenager can deal with death and violence, then surely something like cursing and sex, two things they are doing, they are emotionally able to deal with in a movie.  And i'm not talking sex as in raunchy soft core redshoe diaries show time variaty.  I'm just talking simple conversation, or more than a kiss, the things teens regularly struggle to find answers two.  So i filled up my movie days with predator, beverly hills cop, the die hard movies, kung fu movies, and all sorts of things my mom had no problem letting us watch with her.  Thank god she never took the ratings stuff seriously.  Otherwise there would be loads of good movies, bad classics, not all classics are good... that i would've missed.

So why is violence okay and language not.  Why is it that teens we are trying to get to make good adult choices cant have such material in their movies but watching people get killed blown up and guns and all the other things in the PG-13 and under movies is okay.  I blame the small sect of conservative hypocritical christian judgmental assholes.  Yeah i said it.  It's so bad that in one PG movie they had to change a teacher's girlfriend to fiance in the dialogue to get the movie through.  I watch the commentaries on all my dvd's so that's where most of my info on ratings comes from.  Straight form the struggles of the producers and directors of said movies.  But coming back to the point this dialogue change is ridiculous.  Seriously adult males or women aren't allowed to date.  Are we trying to teach our children that every one we date skips over the dating phase and goes straight to marriage?

But yes it's their fault.  Why you may ask.  Because they like violence.  How do I know.  I was raised in this atmosphere.  Sodom and Gomorrah, god destroyed.  Egyptians, god flooded them.  You don't love me anymore, Noah build an ark the world is getting flooded.  The walls of Jericho came down.  He tested Abraham by asking him to kill his own son.  Christ, gods son, was crucified.  Steven was stoned to death for his faith.  Jobe was tested until he ultimately had nothing and died.  Paul was beheaded.  Jonah got caught in the midst of a storm and swallowed by a large sea creature, at least he lived.  Cane killed his brother.  David had a soldier killed so he could have his wife, bethsheba.  We all know how the ten plagues turned out.  Lots of death and the final plague with the first born sons was the worst.  And to be free from such plague slaughter a lamb and wipe the blood over your front door.  God wasn't beyond sacrifice, this is what lead to the whole cane and able dispute in the first place.  An argument of blood versus produce sacrifice.  I'm sure most vegetarians would also agree picking sides was wrong.  Accepting both offerings would've been the best thing.  But there was no real death or violence involved in unearthing the vegetables.  The killing of all newborns by the king when he heard that a savior of the people would be born.  Hmm i could write an entire blog about the uses of death in the bible to prove a point.  Fire from the sky hailed down on his people the same ones he freed from Egypt when he felt they had forgotten his love.  Then there's David and Goliath.  Okay I'm really stopping now.

Yes we can say all of these things were done, written in order to help one learn from past mistakes.  Or help ground the rules of a faith.  But in essence, in it's bare minimum what it says is if you don't follow me you die.  It's not that complicated.  But that's not my point for this blog.  My point is it's okay to show such violence, such dangerous action, and other such things in movies for teens and under because the christian world is extremely numb to such things.  They eat sleep and breath violence through every page of the bible, but sex.  Um yah way to many rules about that.  That i really don't have the time for.  Sexual conservatism, and an aversion to swear words is all new.  It's something that evolved as people became more prudish and wanted to find ways to force all of humanity to be the same.  But even the new age church used to kill both men and women as witches and satan worshipers if they dared speak up against something inherently wrong in the church.  And clearly they were right because a lot of those things false witches were burned for they don't do anymore.  

So I'm a big hater of one group deciding to dictate what it is that i can and can not watch.  It's just like my blog 'I wont deep throat your agenda' don't shove your ideals down my throat.  If you have a problem with it don't watch it.  But you only have yourself to blame when you preach there's too much violence on tv when you set up a world where violence is much more acceptable than a few bad words.  Apparently it's the word fuck that will kill all of man kind and not the guns, weapons and gadgets that are in these PG13 and under movies. 

This particular country that shall remain nameless is so backwards in this area.  This is why i love south park the TV musical.  Terrance and Phillip worded it very well when they said "america has obscene acts of death and violence on television all the time.  we cant believe a movie with a little fowl language would piss you off so much."
It doesn't get any more clearer than that.  Someones priorities are all out of whack but they made the bed so now they can live in the violent tv infested universe that they created.