Sunday, 23 December 2012


Today I breathed....
Then again i did that yesterday
I walked, talked, ate, drank and then fell to sleep again
Today is just a day by a different name
A day designed the same
Made to create the pain and torture of the previuos one
A new day has started, begun and forward I must go

But why

Why do the same
Why live the way I did and cry the way I did and wish life would just swallow me up whole and push me into the abyss of long lost dreams of hope to be forgotten, why do these things as I did that day gone by
The day that was the same just with a different name
Maybe there is something in a name change
Today I shall be Joshua.... no wate Jordan... no Timothy...
Now lets see if things change
I breathe in the fresh air of the new me
Walk in the shoes of a brand new being
Changed, renewed, washed, clensed, revived
Shed the skin of my formerself to become someone else
But inside the truth lies
Inside I know the real me still wants to curl up hide and die, escape the pain that is the exsistance of me
He sees darkness through eyes that glow with hope and shimmer with the success of things longed for but never attained
Swims in cool waters longing for the warmth of a loving touch, a hand to pull me from the waves on to dry land into arms that heal me with their saving heat
Inside, Timothy, has not changed

His mind is still broken
His will shattered
His soul in pieces and he no longer has the heart to put them back together again
He is completely and wholly incomplete but as long as he's Timothy he can pretend
Pretend he's not this person and live a life free of depression and woe
But only he is fooled by this farce
For the name has changed but nothing else knew that it should also be changed
So maybe what's in the name is what we allow it to be

What's in the word, the phrase, the letters on the page and those that escape from the mouth only hold the meaning that we, them allow
So if Timothy is a mask in my mind, than the new name will just cover the old me
The me that is the same
So I breathed again today just the same as the day before
But if the name of the day is the only thing that has changed... maybe just maybe there's one last hope... one more chance to save myself from myself and be reborn a better self than I was before
I remove myself from the chain of names
Names begone
Leave me forevermore
So today becomes nameless and I, without a name, cease to exist
Now I breathe no more


I sent a message on the wind may it rest on your ears 
Sent a hug in the breeze may it keep you company 
Whispered a prayer in the sky may it shine down on you through hard times 
Sent you a bottle of my tears so when you cry you won't cry alone 
Sent a song with a bird that it may fly warmly round your heart 
A boat out to sea to save you right before you drown 
My arms I give freely in case you need help up off the ground 
My soul, my will, I breathe into you, so we'll never be apart 

All that I am, I give 
All that I will be is yours 
I'll protect you, feel your pain, feel your joys, travel with you through the rain 
And even though we are no more I send my heart with you, that it may beat on forever with yours 

I've taken my life so that you may live on 

I send my love from beyond the grave defying space and time 
May you find strength within my memory, for I am always yours though you are no longer mine

Sunday, 16 December 2012


I look in the mirror the same as I do each morning
Staring as if I could will something new into existence
Hoping today’s face and yesterdays won’t be the same
Maybe, just maybe, something has changed
I sigh and realize I’m in for more of the same
Floss, brush, rinse, repeat, my regular morning routine
But as I rinse and get ready for the second round
I look in the mirror see something and smile
Sometimes you have to look beyond what you see and as I look at my reflection I’m not surprised to find something pure, genuine, beautiful, and divine
Something that is but yet still isn’t mine
My mother

Every breath I take is filled with the love that she breathed into me
Every step I take is on feet made steady by her guiding hands when I was just moving from crawling to learning to stand
All the tears that I’ve cried whether times are good or bad
All the laughter, contentment, strength and good character are all things that I’ve learned and grown to understand with the passing imprints she left in the sand
Just long enough to leave their mark than disappearing with the waves after doing their part
To leave me alone, standing in awe of her awesome tides to go forth into the lands and create my own life
Love, heartache, friendship trust, charity, independence, strength of heart, everything that I write I create wit these hands, are a part of me now, forever, to the end, because of this woman I am who I am
So as I look in the mirror I see loves sacrifice
‘Cause she gave part of her to me so that I could have life

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Not Enough

We are everything together that isn’t quite here or there
We meld into each other so well, from the outside all is right
On the surface the waters are calm
My heart is yours
Your love is mine
Our all is each other
Together we are more than one… we are us
But something is not right
Amiss, a link that cant be found
A puzzle that appears to be complete but is only missing just one piece

We force ourselves to see a whole

Shove the key into the wrong door and as it opens we close the page on the thing we refuse to see
It lurks behind us 
Threatens to rise up and destroy us
But we have love to guide us
Love will destroy this evil and build a fortress against it
Set its soldiers to defeat it
Love will win
Love always wins

Then why do we still not fit

Opening doors with the wrong keys
And locking away the truths of our destiny
We will stop at nothing to keep up this farce
We are meant to be
Destined to be
Designed to find each other and sink into a love so deep we drown and enjoy the pain of constant suffocation

No one knows a love this strong
It conquers all

But in the shadows truth hides
In the parts of our mind we cannot access for it knows there it will always be heard
Always be free to slowly, methodically and torturously annoy us with what we thought we had locked away
Together in love we run
As fast as we can
Away from this truth for we have love
Abundant and overflowing
But we cannot out-run it
It hits us from the front and behind
Above, below and at the sides
Truth has us trapped
How did it finally catch us and what are we to do with it
Love help us, guide us, show us the escape route
There must be a way

Denial has always worked

We’ve been so good at it
Worked so well at it
Convinced our hearts our lies were truths and let love take us beyond what has now cornered our minds
Denial will no longer work
We must face the awful truths
We know what to do but all within us compels us to refuse
We’ve been here before and know love wont sustain us to the end

But why oh why cant it

It’s supposed to be the healer of all things
Magical, all powerful
Indestructible… that is what our love has been through the years
But truths denied are truths that refuse to hide
What do you do when love isn’t enough

Saturday, 8 December 2012


Today breathing is difficult
But then again it was yesterday
Breathing is laborious and with each sneeze my chest and head feel the pain of the existence that is my life
With each cough I realise the disgusting mucus of defeat that clogs my world and makes it difficult to inhale
Migraines pound against my soul reminding that all hope is... well that it never existed was never with in my reach
Beyond my grasp and moved so fast that it could never be gone, because hope... it was never had to be lost
My puffy eyes make it difficult to see the good things life has for me and cost constant irritation as i use the infected hands i coughed on to rub and ease their pain
This only seems to make them hurt more and tear up in the moisture that drowns my heart in hopelessness
The hopelessness that forces my heart to gasp for air as it tries to stay afloat
Heat washes over me in freezing temperatures forcing me to sweat out liquid that sends my body into confusion
My heart mind and soul are reacting to heat though it is freezing cold
Though they are dead from the feverish state life has put them in
My being for a day when oxygen flowed through its lungs, its body was at a constant temperature and eyes never threatened to irritate my existence
And just when things couldn't get worse mid cough the disgusting mucus that covers me in a film of hurt and hate that I cant escape gets caught in my throat
Life sends me into a coughing fit in order to allow myself to dislodge the none breathing state it has put me in
Life has made the cold to strong, to severe and its mission is to torture me
If I die its fun will be over
The cold is designed to remind me of the things I am and what I will never be and if I cease to exist lifes mission will be incomplete, over
No more control, no more life to alter, hold down press at the same time and delete
And as I go blue and ready to take my last breaths
To be free from my distressed breathing, drowning heart, mucous covered soul and burning eyes of shame, one bloody painful disgusting cough and my throat has been cleared
Life breathes a sigh of relief as I return into my sick state
With all the feverish symptoms life can now again use to keep me in a permanent state of almost destruction
So yeah breathing is difficult today
But life likes it that way
But even life can make a mistake and next time it may not be so lucky
On the other side the sickness of life will be gone and I will win and at last be free
Life will defeat itself
But maybe, just maybe, not by death
Maybe I will live