Monday, 29 April 2013


I look at the two of you together and all I can I think is ‘why’
Why them and not me
Why does that person get to hold your hand when you are the one destined for me
Why are they the one in your arms at night
The one who’s receives your kisses
Why can’t I know what it feels like to have you in my arms
Take me to places that were designed for only us and swim in the seas of something more than love
Why aren’t I experiencing that connection, the healthy infatuation, the jubilation and sensation of being the one you designate your pet name to
Why can’t I have the joy of finding one for you
How could the universe be so cruel as to put me in a place where everytime I see the one destined for me, it is latched onto something it doesn’t want but pretends to want, more than me
Why do I yearn for that which is mine but somehow can never really be mine
Why do I send myself spiraling further into bitterness when I see such displays of false love, and try to will myself into another dimension where me and this type of person can happen
Your smiles enrage me
Your touches enflame me
Your public displays of infection set my soul ablaze because I know the truth of the situation, that it is all a fabrication so that you can pretend you don’t want what you want… and that is me
Me watching with eyes of want and longing and hating myself for succumbing to the need to have what I know you can give
On the dance floor hip in hip I watch as the two of you make music with your bodies, to confuse and misdirect the world towards an idea that your love is real
Your unit is solid in the way that jello turns from boiling water to solidification in the fridge, only to melt back into liquid under the magnifying glass heat of keen observation
Yeah… I see through your farce yet still here I am
Wondering why
Thinking why
Wanting to remove my why and change it into you so instead of “why them” it would be “you” and me
Together eternally, blissfully, a unit real and true
One that speaks to the real you but it will never be true, cause the charade is the reality for you, and the truth is something you hide in the shade of your public existence
But through all this it still comes down to why
Why them and not me walking beside you down the street
And then it happens, the glance, the stare
The moment they disappear into a store and you feel the need to linger, roam outside the door
I pretend I don’t know what’s coming but I’ve been here before
Casual noncommittal conversation
Number exchange
In my phone I save it
And you pretend I’m just some guy you know when your girl walks back out the store, and I nod say goodbye and move on
Wont let you see the sad look on my face as I realize why it’s them and not me
I delete your number and sink back into my bitter ‘why’ state
I know why
It’s because I refuse to play your game
Be the one to hurt her heart while you toy with mine
Go fuck with another person’s life
Then I see someone else, displaying all the signs
And I think
Why god oh why