Pieces

Another lost love just broke my heart again
Left me shattered again
No longer whole again
And as I cried and went through the usual
How could I be so stupid again
Let emotions blind me again
Fall for the same lines, lies, eyes that swear to tell truths in misleading words that they hide behind again
I decide this time it will be different.
I won't do it the same as before, walk back down that road of it must be me self-loathing pain again
Because if it is me, then something must change

This Is A Dream

I once penned the phrase 'what if my life belonged to someone esle'
And at first all I got was hate
People saying how could you say that
Mostly Christians on their crusade to say god really loves you
Don't feel that way and it will all get better
And so on and so forth predictable to the letter and I thought
What bullshit
Like they never doubted themselves
Never questioned existence and thought why god, why me
Always turning the eye to the truth that sometimes you do think this god thing is a falsity
But yet... here I am, thinking I cant be me and the real me is out there
Trying to find me
Searching, hunting, but it doesn't here me calling
Well, the truth is, it thought I was someone else
And the me i should be is in their body
Bringing them the joy and happiness that I wont ever be finding
So I'll swim in my place, and say once again, but differently
This life is a dream, this person can't be me

30

I climbed the mountains and fought the fight
In the light, in the dark, the battle moved on
Learning maturity
Rules made... some broken
And then I hit it
That space that makes you look back
That point in your life when it's all supposed to make sense
You look back and can say "yes"  I did good
And all I could do was shake my head and cry
Drown in the abyss of the person I'd become
The person so far from what I thought I should be
And as my tears fall into the darkness and the inevitability of me drowning in a pool of my own disappointment surrounds me I realise... this empty void of failure that is me is endless
There is no top, no bottom, no sides
Just a universe expanding into infinity and folding back in on me at the same time so I'm consumed with a fire of all the things I wish I weren't
And as I self-reflect at this junction in my life and wonder if it's worth saying
Repeating
Revealing
Telling of the things that envelope me knowing some people will pass this rant by
Care nothing for the thing that makes us human, me human, and feel no need to connect to that which brings us all together as one
As I wonder on this I realise... I have no answer
I only know that I'm unhappy and each breathe takes me further towards discontentment and I see no good in the me I've become
Just a sad lonely shell of a man that is so far from where he should be at this stage
Who is this man?
What is this man?
Who is this man?
And why does he always want to cry but smiles all the time through constantly dry eyes
What happened to his soul and is there a way to get it back
Is there a way to return to the days of old when...
When what...
Was I always this way
I couldn't have been
There must've been a time when I had love, joy, a passion inside that shun bright enough to keep hope visible in the darkest of darks
And through all my ponders and wonders and realisations that solve nothing, I think how did I make it this far without knowing I was dying
How did it get to the point that I've forgotten how to heal
Who was I
What have I become
I can no longer consider myself a who because I've moved from human to thing
What was once a he has become an it and turned who am I to what is it that stares back at me
No longer human am I
I am depression
Loss
Failure
Defeat
Disappointment and Self Loathing
All these things and more
And with each second passed since that day that should've brought much joy, I float ever so purposefully down the dismal street of reality and further away from the fantasy I created for myself
All the truths they came to me
The day that I hit thirty

Why

I look at the two of you together and all I can I think is ‘why’

Why them and not me

Why does that person get to hold your hand when you are the one destined for me

Why are they the one in your arms at night

The one who’s receives your kisses

Why can’t I know what it feels like to have you in my arms

Take me to places that were designed for only us and swim in the seas of something more than love

Why aren’t I experiencing that connection, the healthy infatuation, the jubilation and sensation of being the one you designate your pet name to

Why can’t I have the joy of finding one for you

How could the universe be so cruel as to put me in a place where everytime I see the one destined for me, it is latched onto something it doesn’t want but pretends to want, more than me

Why do I yearn for that which is mine but somehow can never really be mine

Why do I send myself spiraling further into bitterness when I see such displays of false love, and try to will myself into another dimension where me and this type of person can happen

Your smiles enrage me

Your touches enflame me

Your public displays of infection set my soul ablaze because I know the truth of the situation, that it is all a fabrication so that you can pretend you don’t want what you want… and that is me

Me watching with eyes of want and longing and hating myself for succumbing to the need to have what I know you can give

On the dance floor hip in hip I watch as the two of you make music with your bodies, to confuse and misdirect the world towards an idea that your love is real

Your unit is solid in the way that jello turns from boiling water to solidification in the fridge, only to melt back into liquid under the magnifying glass heat of keen observation

Yeah… I see through your farce yet still here I am

Wondering why

Thinking why

Wanting to remove my why and change it into you so instead of “why them” it would be “you” and me

Together eternally, blissfully, a unit real and true

One that speaks to the real you but it will never be true, cause the charade is the reality for you, and the truth is something you hide in the shade of your public existence

But through all this it still comes down to why

Why them and not me walking beside you down the street

And then it happens, the glance, the stare

The moment they disappear into a store and you feel the need to linger, roam outside the door

I pretend I don’t know what’s coming but I’ve been here before

Casual noncommittal conversation

Number exchange

In my phone I save it

And you pretend I’m just some guy you know when your girl walks back out the store, and I nod say goodbye and move on

Wont let you see the sad look on my face as I realize why it’s them and not me

I delete your number and sink back into my bitter ‘why’ state

I know why

It’s because I refuse to play your game

Be the one to hurt her heart while you toy with mine

Go fuck with another person’s life

Then I see someone else, displaying all the signs

And I think

Why

Why god oh why

First Swim

I started of on a swim
Invigorating
No cares in the world
Didn't matter where I was going
Why I decided to swim that day
It only mattered that it felt so good
And there were others apparently of the same mind but I only focused on me

The longer I swam the more I began to think how much longer it would be until I met the end
The end of the journey I couldn't even remember starting
Then the why's and where's did come to me
Ideas that made me feel even better about the never ending possibilities of this journey
Somehow I knew that this was the start of something great
This was back in the days I could breathe underwater
A feet I would never again be able to do
But for now I could

The water was so warm
It calmed my soul
Lifted me to a place that again made me think of the end
If this felt so good would I take this onto dry land
What was dry land anyway
Where did this thought come from
I realized that my life existed only from the beginning of this swim
I knew nothing else but the warmth and elation of my journey
Maybe I was designed to swim for eternity
And then... there it was
A utopia
A sight to be worshiped
I had to reach this place
Enter it
See the wonders it held
I knew that this was my destiny
But all those around me seemed to feel the same

The race was on
I started to panic
What if i wasn't the fastest
The strongest
The bravest
What if no one else wanted to share this new world with me
And as I reached the orb of beauty, not first, I put all that aside and concentrated on breaking in
I had to get in
I just had to
And then it happend
The surface cracked and inside I went
And all those around me were trapped outside
But I didn't care
This was my destiny

Over thirty years have passed since then
I cant breathe underwater now when I swim
I'm depressed, miserable, alone and cold
But I know in the beginning I was warm
Sheltered from the world in my mothers womb

If I could restart that's where I would go
To the moment in time when it all began
Not some random place in time that I think would change the meaning of the word I
As it pertains to me that is
Because things have become so... well...
I don't even want to think about
LIfe just sucks ass
That's how good it hasn't gotten

But I wish I could go back
Do everything oh so different
But a redo is only a novelty idea
And I know no mater how hard I will it to be
The happy tadpole,
Again,
I'll never be
I can never begin again

The Passing of the Joint

I watch the fire rise, with a child on my back

Feel the heat as the wind wafts it against me

And I think... This shit is awesome

Vindicating

I feel release with each deep breath 

As the black clouds enter me it's like poison to cure poison

All the shit the world done to me is canceled out and with each exhale I breathe out the evil inside

Inhale

Exhale

Inhale

Exhale

Inhale

Exhale

Exhale

Inhale

Exhale 

Inhale

Exhale

Inhale

I look high into the sky and the clouds slowly retract

The beauty of black and fire-orange are on a smooth track back to the ground

My awesome-shit feeling is returning to what it was before awesomeness

I notice for the first time tears traveling up into, not down, from my eyes

My soul is slowly retoxifying with all the things it started off cleansed from

The fire is slowly shrinking down to its source and the weight of the world flows back into me

My reversing tears become heavier and heavier as my body burns with a rage that seems more than mine

As the fire reaches it's source it disappears from view and then there is only smoke

The only noise is the raging beat of my heart

Then there is a crash, the sound of shattering glass

From the abyss a bottle flew out to me and my right hand extends to catch it, a rag was attached to it burning in flames

Neglected

I am green
I am blue
I am the dirt, the roots of plants
I am viens and smooth
Hard and soft and many things
But mostly I am underappreciated
Used and wasted
Not loved by those who have me and cherished by those who don't have but want me
The remains of me can be found everywhere by those who take me for granted
Littered across the streets

I carry a lot of things both good and bad
Powers to heal and the strength to kill
Those who have me care not much for the have-nots
And those who have-not crave from my touch, my feel
So many things a bit of me can do, but most people just look and see right through
Take me into there hands, warm me, chill me, devour me, then forget me
I'm something that you need but I'm treated like something that you just have
Purchased and as useless as that pair of shoes still in the box in your closet

But I've gotten used to the neglect
Over the years all the services I provide have been reject by the minds of so many
But there was a time when people danced for me
Beat their drums for me
Sent their hearts up to the sky and yearned to have me in their presence
They worshiped and adored me
These days, I am the sister to air
Something you take for granted and only care about until it has been contaminated
Destroyed by your own means
And then suddenly you care when the quality no longer fits your needs
Yeah I am like air, underappreciated
I wish one day things would change
My name would once again be reverenced
The gifts and standards I provide be cherished
That I would be looked upon and seen, and not seen through
For I am beautiful
I am everything
I am water, the color of life.

Beauty Lost

Buy the time I got to Woodstock I was already there
We were ready, my partner and I, ready for the music to begin
I was ready for summertime, Janis Joplin
And he wanted to take a dip in the Water that was Sweet
Ready for Quill to dip into our ink
And soar through the Havens on Richie's wings
Climb to the tops of the highest Mountain
And be Grateful for the Dead loved ones that didn't live to see this day
We were ready to shed our Blood Sweat and Tears as the music touched our souls
And land safe through the journey via Jefferson's Airplane
Feel the fire burn inside us like Canned Heat waiting to escape
Meet up with friends and Family like Sly and the Stone
Bask in the glory of Gypsy Sun and party in the rain with Ravi Shankar

Oh yes we were ready
To spread the joy, the love
We didn't know how good we had it
How soon free love would die, be extinguished and we'd have to unroll our blunts
How having a partner would soon be forbidden as we shed our love for conventionalism

As our peace symbols hung from our necks and we took a look at our posters, Hendrix
We had no idea that after this weekend that this would go down in history
Both as a glorious invent in time and...
As the end
Peace, love and freedom, oh the unity... the celebration
The good times would pass away and as we said hello it would be really goodbye
And we would be so lost in the moment that the undoing of greatness will sneak up and catch us by surprise
And as we looked back Ten Years After,
On the Sommer of so much music, joy and celebration
The Who's and what nots of what we had will only be a memory
Peace, love, freedom, music... wont mean the same, it's impact will have change
Togetherness and unity will be up and gone
And the world will Hardin, souls will start dying
Gay love, no more
My partner, gone

But... By the time I got to Woodstock my hope was soaring high on the wings of a love that can't be described
But had we known such beauty would be the start of it's own demise
Would we have made the drive to Woodstock
Would we
Would we
Would we...
Have been there, year 1969

Call Me By My Name

On the day I was born... My mother named me
Not very ingenious, I know... But it's true
She did name me
And that's when it began
Life, growth, the journey towards becoming the me that I am today
It all started with a name
An identity given
But I havent heard that name in a while

See I've been called a few things
Labeled by society in many ways
Been called loser because I didn't fit in
Been called cry baby because I get emotional sometimes
Deserter because I didn't stay on the path chosen for me
Gay because I didn't display what you considered straight behavior
Weak because I didn't fight when told to
Dumb because I'm uneducated
Hopeless because I chase dreams I have yet to reach
Delusional for believing I can reach them
Mean when I am honest and you don't like it
A failure because I did fail at some things
Scum when I was drowning in life
Homeless when I lost it all
Depressed because I live with Depression
But I was still the same
It was you that had changed
You that didn't help me when I made mistakes and fell by the way
You who pounded me further into the ground with your words of hate, your actions of neglect
How you smiled at me and pretended to be my friend only to be the one to destroy me in the end

This is what happened to me beyond the day of my birth
I got named in all different ways based on how people saw me,
Where they found me
What I was in and how far they thought i was from what they wanted me to be
But that was never me
I have a name and it isn't any of those things
On the inside a power breathes that exists beyond the words, the ideas, the presumptions and assumptions that you placed on me and chose to name me with

Why do the people you love hurt you most
Why does this world, this place I called home
Drown me in it's evil and not bother to hang me out to dry
Because I haven't been washed and cleaned but soaked in the disgusting muck of betrayal
Now I'm all gunky and weighted down in the mud of the names placed upon me
Weighted with the sorrow and depression you put me in that was yours and not mine
Deflected your hatred on me because you were jealous of the way I chose to live
Jealous of the boldness in my step and the confidence in my breath so you pounded me until I was too flat to be of much use and then, finally, you named me... Defeated

But my soul still rose on the beat of the wings of my heart and glided on the winds of my aura and took flight in the clouds of inner-strength and soared through the skies of determination in my mind
Through all you're destruction I still did rise
And I am not what you named me
Loser
Cry baby
Deserter
Gay
Weak
Hopeless
Delusional
Mean
Failure
Scum
Homeless
Depressed
Defeated
These are not what my mother named me

So when all was gone I went to her
To hear the name that is mine
To see what I am through the eyes of the one who gave me life
Her heart has not forgotten me
Her love has not deserted me
The truth lies within her soul and I look to her for clarity
To give me what I know to be true
To hear the name I hold in my heart
Call me by my name--I say
And she smiles and says

I call you... Surviver
I call you... the dreamer of dreams
I call you... A believer
I call you... My heart
You are a giver of hope
You are a friend
You are Strength and Courage
You are a facer of fears, an accepter of imperfections
You bring life to words
Make phrases breathe on the page and then take flight and land in the nest of the minds who read it
Leaving them changed, different then before
You are Inspiration...

You are my son and you... Are a writer

Your Eyes

Your eyes they speak to me
They beg of me to take a dive
Swim in the depths of them
Find your soul and make you mine, intertwine it with mines and make an us out of you and me

They say things that only I can understand
In them I can drown and leave memories of dry land behind until we surface together on an island for two
I could spend everyday inside those pools of grey that remind of rain, water, the nectar of life

I want to be in you mind
Feel your thoughts as they connect with minds until there is no difference
They inspire me to see the beauty within you and feel the magic of your aura as it escapes and through you I become better
A heart so pure looks out me through such glowing pools of serenity that I loose myself so fully in the wonder of them
How could the essence of ones being and all it's complexity be seen in two forms so pure

Your eyes make me weak and I'm a salve to their beauty and I find I'm throwing myself at your knees
Offering myself to be the one you need from now, until tomorrow is now, and the next day is right now... again
I'll be your moment for the first time every-time because though time moves on, the beauty in your eyes will always shine and my heart will beat for you as long as you gaze upon me with such love

But you don't

I'm fabricating a relationship of wonder based on the wonder of your eyes
But they see only some other guy
He swims in your soul, knows your mind and I...
Well I have the fantasy of your eyes one day looking at me that way
So today I will watch you hand in hand with him, as you smile and say hi to me, and I'll imprint the memory of glow in your eyes on my mind
And lust to gaze upon them again till tomorrow
Tomorrow,
My fantasy,
Again,
Begins

Meal

Today I have been upchucked
Regurgitated
Eaten away by the toxic enzymes of life and pushed back out into the world
Changed
Different
Not the same as I was
Deformed and unrecognizable
But things could've been different
Today I escaped the depths of the belly of life
Was forcibly projectiled and again... I breathe
But I could've been vurped
Thrown up... Reswallowed... and sent back to be desintigrated by the evil enzymes of life
Then I would not have survived

Relationshipless

This is how I'm feeling today: Everybody but me.

I wrote this a while back but right now.  To sum it up in one blow: I'm talking to someone online seems like it might go somewhere, dunno what happened but we just stopped talking.  While talking to them someone else I've known for years pops into my world, also online.  Not sure where that went especially considering I went to visit them but who knows.  We are still talking so thats a good sign. In between stopping talking to person number one and reacquainting with number two I start chatting with someone else.  This also maybe possibly going somewhere but who knows.  The problem is the forth person.

For just over a year someone genuinely wanted to date me.  Under the pretense that when I was madly in lust for this person they weren't interested, plus the added bonus of me leaving the island I just sorta didn't think it was fair to start something that I knew I would drop as soon as I left this stupid rock I call home for good.  To be more honest we are still friends so I blew them of multiple times in the past year.

How does all this equate to a poem about being alone.... well all of the first paragraph happened since this summer.  Which means after not going for dating someone on the island for about six or seven months I ended up completely changing my view on this long distance thing.  And now I'm not leaving.  So I could've been happy with someone who probably no longer wants me because I was such a distant asshole and avoided all these online long distance dating fails: well possible fails.  All three seem to still be lingering on in that I have no idea where this is going phase.  On the other hand I'd still be so anti long distance had I not said no to person number four in the first place.

So in the new year with the new me why am I so alone, sad, and miserable   That evil word settle.  After reading this by a fellow google plusser I realise it's totally my fault.  I'm through with sending enough messages during the day to be a stalker.  Done with trying to keep in contact with people who always want me to speak first.  So over anyone trying to force me into their ideas of what a relationship should be.  I'm over thirty.  I'm done with the whole conventional idea of how I should behave or act in a relationship.  I make my own rules and there are loads of people out there who like people just like me.  Just the way I am.  With no objections and wont try to force me to buy them a birthday gift or a christmas gift or any other societal relationship norm type of present.

So lonely... yes... happy... definitly not.  Every now and again I do meat someone that I will temporarily stalk... probably only for a day or two.  I'm hopeful that I wont be alone and miserable forever and just when I think things might be looking good.... I meet another person who only wants to say hi when they do.  Only wants to meet when it's okay with them.  Say's they want to date but only wants to meet in their apartment during booty-call hours.  God what is it with these people and how do they keep making me think, if only for a week at best, that it's worth it to send them casual messages just to say hi during the day.  Only to realise that I could message them once a week and they would still only talk to me when they feel like it.

So refusing to put up with bull shit should make me happy.  No.  My phone is beside me and I'm hoping and praying that one of the above mentioned people will actually message me first.  Will actually start a dialogue first.  Will act, even if it's all pretend, that they genuinely are interested in me.  If I held my breath I would die but here I am still, believing that it might just happen.  Thats what it's like in this sad existence of mine.  I'm clearly not one of those people happy with not settling.  Happy with holding out for what I know I deserve.  And most importantly not happy with the thought that what I need I might've passed by for a reason that no longer matters to me.

It's funny how much things can change in one year but here I am.  Glad about my choices not to settle.  Confident in my decisions, but oh so desperately wishing that one day I will be wrong and that my phone will actually buzz with thoughts of me before I message someone with thoughts of them.  So I'm not happy, and chances are I will never settle.  So my soul will be at constant battle with my heart and my mind will continue to try to find a compromise to make them both swim in the clouded waters of my aura into calm clear seas of harmony.  But that is an impossible task.

So I'll down another glass of wine, and raise a toast to the unhappy yet good decisions of life.  And with each sip I'll drown away all doubt and my phone shall disappear from sight and mind, until tomorrow when I wake up and check it again for messages and then start sending out mines.  Day two will have begun and on day three I will harden as always and the messages will stop and I'll move on.  I'm getting colder with age but whatever... I'll take that if it means never ever having to settle.  Happiness is overrated anyway.