Monday, 17 June 2013


I climbed the mountains and fought the fight
In the light, in the dark, the battle moved on
Learning maturity
Rules made... some broken
And then I hit it
That space that makes you look back
That point in your life when it's all supposed to make sense
You look back and can say "yes"  I did good
And all I could do was shake my head and cry
Drown in the abyss of the person I'd become
The person so far from what I thought I should be
And as my tears fall into the darkness and the inevitability of me drowning in a pool of my own disappointment surrounds me I realise... this empty void of failure that is me is endless
There is no top, no bottom, no sides
Just a universe expanding into infinity and folding back in on me at the same time so I'm consumed with a fire of all the things I wish I weren't
And as I self-reflect at this junction in my life and wonder if it's worth saying
Telling of the things that envelope me knowing some people will pass this rant by
Care nothing for the thing that makes us human, me human, and feel no need to connect to that which brings us all together as one
As I wonder on this I realise... I have no answer
I only know that I'm unhappy and each breathe takes me further towards discontentment and I see no good in the me I've become
Just a sad lonely shell of a man that is so far from where he should be at this stage
Who is this man?
What is this man?
Who is this man?
And why does he always want to cry but smiles all the time through constantly dry eyes
What happened to his soul and is there a way to get it back
Is there a way to return to the days of old when...
When what...
Was I always this way
I couldn't have been
There must've been a time when I had love, joy, a passion inside that shun bright enough to keep hope visible in the darkest of darks
And through all my ponders and wonders and realisations that solve nothing, I think how did I make it this far without knowing I was dying
How did it get to the point that I've forgotten how to heal
Who was I
What have I become
I can no longer consider myself a who because I've moved from human to thing
What was once a he has become an it and turned who am I to what is it that stares back at me
No longer human am I
I am depression
Disappointment and Self Loathing
All these things and more
And with each second passed since that day that should've brought much joy, I float ever so purposefully down the dismal street of reality and further away from the fantasy I created for myself
All the truths they came to me
The day that I hit thirty