Saturday, 1 October 2016

Betrayal

I came upon a pool of water, it seemed so calm, serene.
Something was saying it wasn't safe I turned to leave but then my heart said
"You can swim.  Dive in"
So I did
The water felt cool and calmed my soul then the voice said "deeper" and so... I dove
Into the cool blue I swam then blue turned to dark
I went to swim back up then the voice promised sweet things were waiting at the bottom
It said "Here I'll help you breathe.  Go just a bit further"
Down I went until I couldn't see my way.

Now the water is cold

A chill runs through my body
I know this can't be safe, but the voice eggs me on so I swim on through the pain
Bumping against things that hide in the dark
Scraping against jagged rocks that cut to the bone
To the soul to the very core of my being but something says "keep going, keep on swimming.
I promise it will be worth it.  Endure the pain."
I say "you promised I'd never go through this again"
"But you survived the last time trust me, it won't be the same.  This time you'll win
Come out stronger than before. Swim. Swim just a little bit more"

So on I go my soul bleeding into the deep
My confidence destroyed my self-worth depleteded
And just when I think I cant take no more, I float in the middle of nowhere... no ceiling no floor

My tears wash away in the ocean of my tormented soul
And here I am broken my heart has failed me once more
It cowers away in silence ashamed that it was fooled
That once again the pull of something more was too great for common sense to rule
We moan into the deep hearing the echo of our pain
Me and my heart at the same place once more, in this love war loss is all we gain

Eyes about to close, this time will be the last time that we are fooled by even the slightest of hopes that happiness was in our grasp and then... we see it
A light above, So far far away

We mend our broken pieces of pain back together and go up, up to the light
Up to the ceiling above us to broken to think we are even worth saving
Our everything destroyed
Nothing matters anymore

On the surface once more the game played, at its end
We wonder how we made it out alive, more broken than before yet here on dry land
Obviously we aren't worthy of the greatness that other people have
We are nothing worthless and deserving of death
So I start to walk home, ready to give up on it all
The living-dead after the suicide of my own heart
But, through the glen and trees the sound of water, it calls to me
I find myself beside a river again
Sensing a familiar pull of danger again
Beautiful as it is I know this is wrong.
Something is not right
I must leave this place
And just as I'm about to leave that feeling of goodness calls out to me again
Tells me love is around the bend again just give it one more try again
"No" not this time again then my heart says, ever so warmly again
"You can swim.  Dive in."

Sunday, 21 August 2016

My Heart and I

I followed my heart through hell and it left me there
It promised at the end it would better
Told me that I'd come out of the fire new, reborn, a better me than the me that I was transformed into a being far greater than anything I could see myself being
It sung sweet melodies of strength through pain and hummed a tune of torture so agonising it was actually music to my soul
And when I questioned its motives, how it lead me astray before and I came out, well... not so good, it smooth talked me
Sweetly caressed my fears and made my doubts disappear with words it knew I wanted to hear
Lies It knew I'd make myself believe and follow it into the dark in hopes of the life I'd recieve
Good things come through trials they say so I followed
Endured the pain of burning flesh
The fear of endless darkness and paths of jagged rocks that pierced my skin
The heart knows no bounds and I lept with it into the treacherous beyond
Deeper and deeper with only its smooth sultry voice as my guide to the other side
And at the deepest of deeps
Where only the sound of my breathing echoed in the caverns
My body ragged and torn
My soul broken
My will shattered and my faith in all things at its end I heard a laugh
A sound of pure glee, almost psychotic even, manic
And the more I listened the more it seemed that this laugh wasn't glee
It was the sound of success, accomplishment
Here in the deep my heart was laughing at me telling me how I was so easy
That I never learn and thus was fooled by the same game once more
Then it was gone, no doubt to return again with promises I'll believe again
And then I'll find myself here again
Mad at myself for believing again only to be lost again in a situation specifically designed for me to fail at again and again until my failure becomes the norm
I followed my heart through hell and it left me there to realise I'd never really been gone.




Sunday, 8 May 2016

Unseen Touch



Familly members Youngest to oldest and sons. Mother's Day 2016 mom was awarded mother of the year award at her/our church New Testament Church of God Miracle temple Bermuda. And this is the fifth poem I've done for her and this time I had help. I posed the first phrase of each stanza and asked for sentences of any kind and promised I would rework their ideas to fit poetry and sell exactly what it was they were trying to say. The first two siblings after my brother couldn't think of what to write so I had to use some creative skills and morph their exact words from phone conversation into something uniquely them. All in all. I think it came out well. Hope you all like it.

Anthony (second son)
Joan (sister)
Charles (brother)
Phyllis (sister)
Marie (sister)
Bertha (sister)
Kenneth (brother)
Wallace (me)

If I knew that after today, I’d never see you again, 
I'd thank you for believing in me
Encouraging me to strive towards my best. 
Tell you It was Daily Bread on drives from Dockyard that introduced me to my favourite scripture (Hebrews 11:6).
Thank you for all the words and phrases you’ve made up in my lifetime, oftentimes without knowing that fueled countless jokes
Endless laughter.
Remind you that you are one of God's greatest gems 
my Mommie Dearest, one of a kind
there's no one more special.

If I knew that after today I’d never see you again, I don’t know what I’d say. 
There isn’t anything I could say that I haven’t already said. 
And that is saying something.

If I knew that after today I’d never see you again, I wouldn’t be able to think of what to say. 
I’d want it to be personal and uniquely me so you’d know how much I care.

If I knew that after today I’d never see you again, I’d let you know my life would be bleak without you in it. 
Thank God for a sister like you

If I knew that after today I’d never see you again, I’d think about how you love to make pound cake 
Call me when it fell. 
I’d save the day with my super human baking powers and behold 
The next time
Perfect pound cake would be made. 
If our mother were alive still, you’d call her 
But clearly you recognise I’m just as good. 
Maybe even better. 
I’d let you know that I value that you value my advice.

If I knew that after today I’d never see you again, I’d tell you how lucky I was to be blessed with a sister like you.
Who likes to have fun playing group games. 
Is so loving and kind and giving towards others. 
I’d tell you about the love I felt and shared in your presence though I didn’t always verbalise it.

If I knew that after today I’d never see you again, I would be confused, 
quiet. 
I’d think about events gone by, 
Christmas, Cupmatch, church invites. 
No more pollymeat, a childhood nickname
Lost but not forgotten 
I’d use the time to be silent
Remember all the good times shared.

If I knew that after today, I’d never see you again, 
I’d take you in my arms and hold on to you 
Real, real tight. 
I’d experience your touch one last time.