Igor--Hurricane 2010

It's comming
I'm not scared... but prepared
Got my lamps, candles and flashlights
Yeah, I'm gon' be alright

Books to read should the power fail and food to eat if I feel the need
And can not leave
My home for a while

But something's missing
Something isn't right
As I sit here pondering into the night i realise... I'm alone

No one to hold
No one to love
Just here in solitude
Just me, and myself... to wait out the wild winds and rain
The thunder and lightning
I'll be by myself... alone... and cold

Storms remind me that I'm not loved by anyone because that's the time you want to cuddle up and feel that you will be safe
Wrapped in the arms of another
The warmth of two bodies laughing in the dark
Whispiering tales after the lights go out
In eachother's arms, together you breathe and everything will feel calm
You'll feel at rest and at ease as your hearts protect you from danger

But here I am
Just me
That's all
With no one to call that will just hold me
No one to call not wanting to make love?...Surely not they just want to fuck
All these numbers in my phone yet I have no one to call

Why is it always on stormy nights that I'm reminded what's wrong with my life

And though alone, my heart is full

Alone is never an empty void
Its space is filled with depression , self loathing, sadness, emotinal blindess and other morbid things that bring you to tears of silent dreams of becoming another being, worthy of someone's love and not the person you actually are
Not the person who can't seem to attract more than lust from anyone who dares enter the space you call alone
They just fill it up by becoming another truth of the object of desire that you are by far in comparison to the intended man of substance who's heart they should want to massage into higher states of love

I want to throw my phone out to sea
Star over
There must be someone out there for me

But try as I might I cant let these people go
Users
Abusers
Stealers of the aura of the part of me that could be loved
For each moment of lust the man I believe I am gets swallowed in all the things that make up the nothing I call alone

Still i keep them
I need them to feel alive
It's an ongoing conflict between my fear of being by myself and my need to feel loved even if it's only in my head

So... I shake my head and sigh
And wait for the storm to arive

This hurricane will come and go
And afterwards I'll still be here... I know
But another part of me will surely die
Because I will not survive the hurricane inside
Samuel Alexander