Sunday, 23 December 2012


Today I breathed....
Then again i did that yesterday
I walked, talked, ate, drank and then fell to sleep again
Today is just a day by a different name
A day designed the same
Made to create the pain and torture of the previuos one
A new day has started, begun and forward I must go

But why

Why do the same
Why live the way I did and cry the way I did and wish life would just swallow me up whole and push me into the abyss of long lost dreams of hope to be forgotten, why do these things as I did that day gone by
The day that was the same just with a different name
Maybe there is something in a name change
Today I shall be Joshua.... no wate Jordan... no Timothy...
Now lets see if things change
I breathe in the fresh air of the new me
Walk in the shoes of a brand new being
Changed, renewed, washed, clensed, revived
Shed the skin of my formerself to become someone else
But inside the truth lies
Inside I know the real me still wants to curl up hide and die, escape the pain that is the exsistance of me
He sees darkness through eyes that glow with hope and shimmer with the success of things longed for but never attained
Swims in cool waters longing for the warmth of a loving touch, a hand to pull me from the waves on to dry land into arms that heal me with their saving heat
Inside, Timothy, has not changed

His mind is still broken
His will shattered
His soul in pieces and he no longer has the heart to put them back together again
He is completely and wholly incomplete but as long as he's Timothy he can pretend
Pretend he's not this person and live a life free of depression and woe
But only he is fooled by this farce
For the name has changed but nothing else knew that it should also be changed
So maybe what's in the name is what we allow it to be

What's in the word, the phrase, the letters on the page and those that escape from the mouth only hold the meaning that we, them allow
So if Timothy is a mask in my mind, than the new name will just cover the old me
The me that is the same
So I breathed again today just the same as the day before
But if the name of the day is the only thing that has changed... maybe just maybe there's one last hope... one more chance to save myself from myself and be reborn a better self than I was before
I remove myself from the chain of names
Names begone
Leave me forevermore
So today becomes nameless and I, without a name, cease to exist
Now I breathe no more

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