Sunday, 19 February 2012

Rambling Heart

Sitting here thinking I should be happy
I'm alive still... of sound mind and somewhat healthy
But sad is all I feel
I'm living a life I wish wasn't real, and as I reach inside my soul to find something that will give me new meaning and hope to swim through the oceans of depression to dry land, I realize that I cant
It's impossible
Illogical... undeniably inconceivable and certain in its certainty that I am unhappy
Alone in this world

                    No one to hold me, no one to comfort me, no one to cry with, no one to die with
                    Just me, and myself and I, together, forever, to never travel with a forth companion... just by ourselves into a world that has no love for us... so we give up
                   Or we try to give up
                   But sadly we can not
                   For we are eternally, emotionally, subconsciously and consciously bound to a reality that makes us believe that we deserve love

                                           I believe that someone will find me
                                           I believe that the universe will guide me
                                           Towards the person who will compliment me, complete me, shape and reform me into a unit that's made up of two entities, stronger than just the one, bonded by trust and love
                                           But I also believe that love has deserted me
                                           I feel that the universe has intentionally forgotten me
                                           So by myself I sit and cry, and ponder, and decide, that I've had enough of this conundrum of loving love and hating it at the same time
                                           But alone is so... I don't even want to think about it

I want my rhymes to sing,
I want them to breathe,
I want them to flow on the notes that robins sing in the springtime
To fly on the music of the humming birds wings
To chirp with the morning frogs hiding in the trees
And harmonize with the singing crickets, to soar on the breeze high through the clouds, of mountains, to flow in fountains, and be heard in the rippling of a brook, and be caught in the spray of a water fall
I want them to be fresh as the dew drops on a leaf
And fall when ripe like apples from the trees
But they don't, they can't, and won't
They refuse to be anything more than the usual, factual, not too intellectual ramblings of a man hanging by a never ending thread of loneliness
A man wishing to wake up and see it's all a dream and have someone laying next to me, instead of a cold pillow that brings no comfort no matter how hard I squeeze
It just reminds me, binds me, confines me, to the obviousness of my situation
That I've finally realized exactly what I want, what I need and will never receive, unless I just give up retreat and cut myself off from the world... so cold
The world that holds what I need, but if I go out there I'll drown in all that I want, not need, and end up falling for something that's not enough, not right, just wrong, and try to hold on cause I want so bad to be needed by someone more than a friend
But if I hide than this person I'll never find
But if I look I'll settle for whatever I do find
I'm stuck in the middle, in that place where both left and right are quite different but the same
Alone and miserable if I stay
Alone and miserable if I stray
Alone, plus alone, equals me, singularly
All I want is to be in a space where something flowed from my mind and infected my fingers to write words that will uplift the minds and hearts of the nations, and become contagious to all who come in contact with it, with an undeniable sense of wholeness that refreshes even the most hardened soul

But today won't be that day

So here I am trying to be happy, and I find, the more I write about love, the more it evades me
So here I will stop
Yes here I will stop

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