Forest

Photo by Noel Zepeda

I'm crying on the inside
Cliche, I know... But its true
Inside me is a forest of depression
Its beautiful, magnificent full of everything my heart desires but doesn't need
Trees of sadness, birds of anger, chipmunks of pain, butterflies of hate
Wild mushrooms of destruction, raw berries of denial
Foxes and rabbits, beavers and dear
Plant life of all kinds all renamed and labeled in strife

Then there's water, tears of depression
All mine, my creation
Falls from the sky on cue to keep this forest alive... Help it thrive...
It flows into rivers full and clear with fish to be eaten by the wild bears
Divides into sections due to the beavers dams
Makes random puddles that float amongst the grass
Sometimes it pours and other times it drizzles and sometimes it rains though the sun has risen
Though on the surface it looks wonderful and grand
Nothing is as it seems for this surface is me

I'm looking out on the real world and see nothing but despair
Each tree, each bird, each person, all beliefs, just appear, to me, to be, just different forms of misery
so I smile and hide and cry on the inside as I fall apart
As I loose hope and darken my heart

I see me lost, alone, destroyed, going nowhere cause everything around me is trying to destroy me
Making me realise that I hate me
Hate who I am
Where I live
How I look and see nothing but pain, how I can only see how worthless I am
How all my relationships are doomed to fail
And my friendships... Who knows... Would I even be my friend
If I wasn't me... Maybe

So I smile, I laugh and I play
Try to ignore that my soul isn't fading but already lost, destroyed and withered away
My eyes blackened by how much I hate me but to the world they look bright and shiny and full of hope
I cry enough to keep my inner world alive
Feed it with the grey world I live in on the outside
Nurture it with each breath knowing that no matter how hard the rain may fall
My forest of depression will grow, stand tall
In this forest I rest my head, I sleep where my feet land
Depression is my home

Yes, I know its beauty is a farce but its all I know
So I'll cry and cry and cry, though you'll never see it
Cause if I stay In your world I know I'll take my life
But my forest is real to me, here I am alive