Sunday, 22 September 2013

This Is A Dream

I once penned the phrase 'what if my life belonged to someone esle'
And at first all I got was hate
People saying how could you say that
Mostly Christians on their crusade to say god really loves you
Don't feel that way and it will all get better
And so on and so forth predictable to the letter and I thought
What bullshit
Like they never doubted themselves
Never questioned existence and thought why god, why me
Always turning the eye to the truth that sometimes you do think this god thing is a falsity
But yet... here I am, thinking I cant be me and the real me is out there
Trying to find me
Searching, hunting, but it doesn't here me calling
Well, the truth is, it thought I was someone else
And the me i should be is in their body
Bringing them the joy and happiness that I wont ever be finding
So I'll swim in my place, and say once again, but differently
This life is a dream, this person can't be me

See I know the real me wouldn't want to die
The real me wouldn't live under a rain cloud, that follows him around, making puddles on the ground, for my feet to splash in
Constantly drowning my aura in a dampness of sadness
Leaving my clothes dripping in a depression
Never to dry, never to find or know a compassion that would make me think this life is worth living--I have something worth giving
Only to know what it feels to have wet clothes of darkness weigh me down, until my entire body sinks further
into the puddles
from my rain cloud
And all around me the sun shines because this rain cloud is mine alone
This wet cold world is only my home
And I yearn so much to find a way to be free
That I come to only one conclusion,
It's more than clear to me
This life is a dream, this person cant be me

Each breath that I take is filled with a toxic air, that fills me with despair yet keeps me alive so I can bare
This tortuous existence
This thing that I must partake in
They call it life, but I call it pain, misery, strife and war between me and the me I know I should be but am not
The me full of hope, shining with light full of love, and I wonder how he found another shell to live in
Another set of lungs to belong to
Another set of lips to kiss with
Arms to hug and feel the touch of another that makes them feel connected and joined to something more, something beyond anything I can comprehend or think of
Guess that's why I cant say what it is
But I can say, that I in know way, can ever explain, what it feels to not be so insane
I'd like to take a stab at normal
Whatever that may be, is it like, or is it more of, or, oh what can it be
All I know is what I am now, and what I will always be
Lost in an abyss of eternal distress, thrown amiss into the seas of everlasting darkness
Only to float ashore to solid ground constantly cracked by the quakes of disaster, and it's only me they're after cause, I, me, am only worthy of destruction
But there may be hope,
Close my eyes, click three times and firmly shall I say
This life is a dream, this person cant be me

So rather than hate being me I've accepted this person cant be me
By doing that it's okay to hate
Okay to not love
Okay to be in complete and total disgust and despise what the mirror reflects on my eyes each day
I can laugh at the patheticness of a man that I'm not connected to because the real me, he's out there, calling out to me
He wants to be found
Wants to be me and come to the home that it has never known, while knowing all along, that something wasn't right
That it was mine
And the person it was with, didn't fit, cause it belonged to another
It must find its correct shell and be whole for the first time, it wants to be mine... all mine
And I can do away with this person I've become
Cause this shell is just that
And once I remove the filth of this nothing I am, the real me will find me
Together we shall go free into the world beyond this one and for once, I'll know happy
I'll breathe clean air and my aura will dry in the sun of hope and love
And light shall turn my grey clouds to white, floating in clear blue skies above a head filled with joy
And we will both look into the face of god and say he didn't win this time
There will be no more laughing like in 'someone else' for we've undone the damage you've done
Found eachother regardless of your efforts to tell us we don't belong and beyond the boundaries of this world we have become one
The inception has been undone
I know this life isn't real and when I depart from this world, death shall end the dream and bring back to reality
The mirror shall finally show me
A bullet to the head
it's over,
Cause this life is just a dream, this person cant be me

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