The Passing of the Joint

I watch the fire rise, with a child on my back

Feel the heat as the wind wafts it against me

And I think... This shit is awesome

Vindicating

I feel release with each deep breath 

As the black clouds enter me it's like poison to cure poison

All the shit the world done to me is canceled out and with each exhale I breathe out the evil inside

Inhale

Exhale

Inhale

Exhale

Inhale

Exhale

Exhale

Inhale

Exhale 

Inhale

Exhale

Inhale

I look high into the sky and the clouds slowly retract

The beauty of black and fire-orange are on a smooth track back to the ground

My awesome-shit feeling is returning to what it was before awesomeness

I notice for the first time tears traveling up into, not down, from my eyes

My soul is slowly retoxifying with all the things it started off cleansed from

The fire is slowly shrinking down to its source and the weight of the world flows back into me

My reversing tears become heavier and heavier as my body burns with a rage that seems more than mine

As the fire reaches it's source it disappears from view and then there is only smoke

The only noise is the raging beat of my heart

Then there is a crash, the sound of shattering glass

From the abyss a bottle flew out to me and my right hand extends to catch it, a rag was attached to it burning in flames

Abandonment returns to me

The burning rag connects with my left hand, 

Lighter already ablaze, rolling it backwards with my thumb and the flames seem to be sucked back into the bottle

Left hand goes back to my side as I bend down and look behind me, a bit to my right 

On the ground is a black bag and paper rises

I repackage the bottle in the paper and place it into a six pack holder

Water drops covered my tattooed arms and rose back into my eyes filled with the abandonment it would soon lose

Then I stood up again, water rushing into my eyes

Staring blankly into the abyss and then another crash

A bottle hurled towards me and with this one came disappointment

The tears going up into my eyes sent a reverse chill down my spine

A cry that started of loud then soft returned to my mouth

And then backwards, into the bag, the bottle was put inside

Just like the one before it

Now with disappointment and abandonment heavy on my heart

I wipe my dry arms and they become wet then tears rise back up to my eyes

There is a reverse gasp and backwards sigh then another sound of shattering glass

A bottle flies out from the abyss into my hand

Betrayal flew back into me this time

Overwhelmed me, consumed me

It wasn't there and then it was and this time it took me a bit longer to put the bottle back in the bag

My hand was shaking after the flames went out and I continuously reverse rolled the lighter wheel

I got the feeling that if I didn't get passed betrayal all would be lost

I reversed wiped my eyes and unlighted the rag again

Then two more times before I dipped to the bag to my right and put the bottle inside

Three tries it took before betrayal could be destroyed

I seemed to stare much, much longer this time

The weight of betrayal was the heaviest of them all

“I’m taking back my life!”

Fuck this life

Fuck this shit 

Fuck it all 

I can do this

I heard myself say followed by the elation of just loosing something, being freed from something

Then the sound of broken glass, another bottle in my hand

Then defeat swarms over me

Broken dreams and shattered hopes

The smoke had gotten down to nothing now

No signs of there ever being a blaze so high it could put out a forest

Another bottle back in the bag but this next crash sounds much faster after I stand an into my hand flew another Molotov Cocktail

Then it returns 

That feeling of being alone

The space that was empty and free when I was inhaling smoke was now filled up with all the things I came here to let go

I inhale a puff of smoke and my left hand moves to my side as a butt flies back into it

I take a few backwards puffs of the joint in my hand as tears continue to climb back into my eyes

My splif rises in size as thoughts retract into my mind about the life I'm about to take back

How I'm going to set the dumbasses of life on fire and reclaim what's mine

Last puff retaking, blunt unlighted and placed back in cigarette case 

Bag over my shoulder and the journey away from escape begins

One foot behind the other I walk away from my place on this cliff, another joint in hand

Tears still flowing back into my eyes

Each step taking me back to my civilized life

After a few minutes I reverse into a store for babies

Walk to the counter, get money placed back in my hand and remove the child from behind me

A child in a backpack type carrier I just unpurchased 

I gave the baby boy to one of the shop attendants while another helped me put the item back in it's box

Then I took the boy in one hand and the box in another and placed it back on the shelf

Then backwards out the door I went till I came across an alley and the sounds of sniffles turned to cries

I walked down a quarter of the way then rested the baby on the ground 

By a few worn out shoes and used matches

The child was crying loud at this time as I reversed back down the alley and just as I turned back onto the street I thought

"What kind of dumbass would leave a child out here, abandoned, alone to die?"

And onto the main road I continued, one foot behind the other as the cries that lured me to the child slowly died

Then I came across a woman sitting outside her apartment building

We hugged and then I said, as I sat on the steps beside her

"Give your disappointment to me"

She said, after taking the joint from my hand,

"And all I got was 'I'm disappointed' in you

A helper to those in need

I've given more than I am

Tried to prove myself to them

They wanted a doctor a lawyer

In their eyes I"m nothing

They told me I'm a disappointment to the family"

She said as the joint passed hands again.

"They weigh success by money and fame and not accomplishments or quality

My parents just disowned me

Why am I crying?

Why am I staring at my phone as if it will talk?"

After seating I passed the joint to her

"No really I want to know.  I am crying right now so at least you wont be crying alone."

I said as I got up from the steps and ended up in front of her

"Just let me be

You don't really care

What does it matter you cant help me"

I heard her say and then I said

"Are you okay?"

I started to back away again

Leaving the sobs that brought me to her behind

Moving further from my final destination

A few more moments later after I turned the corner that lead to my home,

I turned around and now I was walking forward

There was a boy I was heading to

He was smiling through his tears

A teenager years younger than the woman I'd reach after him

We hugged and cried 

We unembraced and I said "give me your betrayal"

He said,

"Thank you for listening

Thank you for caring

I really needed someone to talk to

My sister betrayed me and now I have no one to talk to so thank-you

Now I'm stuck in an abusive house

After therapy he took me on a male 'bonding' drive and delivered on his promise

She took their side and told me I made it all up

My dad smiled through the whole therapist sitting

I became the blame for everything that happened

I couldn't believe I was in therapy 

We ended up, my parents and I, in school therapy, then transferred to real therapy

He talked to my mom and convinced her I was just acting out

My sister went straight to my dad

I made her swear on her life not to repeat it

I told her not to tell anyone unless she was sure they could help

I told her what he said he would do to me if I told

I told my sister everything

My father raped me”

There was more than a long moment of silence

You can never tell if silence is going backwards or forward

The joint had passed hands a few times through this story, just like with the woman

And as it came again from his hand back to mind, I realized my eyes were dry his eyes red with pain

I'd missed the point later where in the middle of his story I began to cry

And after a few more reverse joint shares I heard myself saying

"Do you want to talk about it."

The tears were going backwards into the child's eyes at such an alarming rate, yet the boy was silent as I slowly got up from beside him

He handed me back my joint and I reversed away watching him grow smaller on the park entrance bench he was sitting on

I backed in on the entrance, next, and kept up my pace one foot behind the next

Soon I reversed upon a tree and gave an older man a hug

I said "Give me your defeat."

He said,

"There isn't much more I can say except recovery is bleak

I've been defeated by love

I gave everything

Gave him my heart

Sacrificed my friends for him

I came out the closet for him"

He inhaled smoke than passed the joint back to me

"Why does love do this?

My whole world and everything I new is gone

I'm broken in so many pieces I don't know what to do

I'm still madly in love with him and I know I should move on but I cant

Yeah, I know it sounds pathetic but it's the truth

The shame of it all is I stalk him, follow him, I'm obsessed with him still

He's completely disowned me and my friends wont take me back

My boyfriend of ten years just left me for some girl he just met, now their married and expecting a baby”

I took the joint back again and started to head backwards from my first new friend for the day

I was overwhelmed with some serious shit

The only thing calming my mood was this splif 

And I was determined to follow through with my plan

I couldn't back down

Today was going to be the end and start of something

I could feel it like the smoke reentering my lungs

I backed out of the park on the other side and went across the street, then up to the third floor of my building

I walk backwards till I'm facing my door

Once inside I place the bag by my couch and then head to the bedroom

I reverse into the room and take of my clothes 

Pick up the towel strewn across the bed and wrap myself in it

The interesting thing about getting undressed is it's the only thing that looks the same in forward and reverse, other than silence

I back-out into the living-room

Take my place on the couch and proceed to unroll a few joints

Some for the journey over and some for the return

Not knowing I'd use them all before the end

Then up from the couch a few drying movements with the towel as I unwrap myself 

Reverse into my room 

Drop the towel on the rack and then get into the shower

I couldn't tell that the water was rising until the shower reached its start and out of the shower I went

Leaning against the mirror, hands on both sides, I looked in

All I could feel was the weight of loneliness and emptiness that surrounded me

Inside and out it devoured me

I picked up my empty glass of scotch and refilled it with my mouth

Poured it back into the bottle on my bedstand, put on some sweatpants and headed out to the bag by the couch and one by one removed each bottle

Refilling the tube of gas and thinking today I'm going to take back what's mine

Destroy all the things life gave me and told me was mine

I was going to find my life and say goodbye to my past

Today life was getting its ass kicked and I was going to scream into the flames of destruction "I’m taking back my life!"

Defeat was not an option

That was the thought running through my mind as I put back together the rag I tore up for the bottles

I refill my second glass of scotch back into its own bottle and start to unsmoke the remains of last night’s joint

Head back into my room with all the things life inflicted on me

Loneliness

Defeat

Betrayal

Disappointment

Abandonment

I put my half finished blunt on the side of the ashtray and my half glass of scotch beside it 

Get into bed under the covers and watch at my alarm before my hand swats it and it starts to wring and then there is silence

No snoring and peaceful sleaping

And I think, “I can stop this”

But I remember the day ahead

Remember that sometimes we can’t fight for ourselves

We need someone to take our place

And I think of all the lives that will be freed with each bottle I throw 

Sending the burdens of the world up to the sky

More than my life can be saved today

And then... time freezes

This is the moment

And I let it pass 

The alarm went of

Fast-forward in time

Poisson to cure Poison 

My lungs redetoxified

I bomb life's ass five times

Watch the flames of freedom rise

Look into my babies eyes
I shall name him Marius because he survived

And man this shit feels good.