Everything is red and made for lifetime tv romcoms are trying to start a chick flick world revolution
Hearts and balloons and hugs and smiles, it’s like Christmas times ten
Cringeworthy
Just ugh
And while everyone is trying to make up for the first six weeks of failure
42 days of chances to prove love have past and wasted
I’m walking into work, just going through the motions like “Fuck I didn’t even know it was Valentine’s day today
That sums up my very existence
Fuck my life sucks
Fuck adulting sucks
Fuck Depression, anxiety, failure, disappointment, self-doubt, imposter syndrome, it all sucks
And love
Fuck love
I try to tell myself it’s just not my time
I rock, surely I am worthy of love
Yet here I stand alone on this day, questioning how this happened
How I ended up alone and they, well, didn’t
Is there something fundamentally wrong with me
Something deep in the core of me
Can I pluck it out and remove the glitch that makes the me I am unmatchable
Is it my beliefs, my dreams, my attitude, my walk, my skin, the tone of my voice
Can I change it, rearrange or simply burry it
Burry it so deep I forget it’s even there
Would the man I become then still be the type of guy that forgets V Day
It’s hard to believe that I am just fine when the only evidence of greatness exists in my own mind
That’s when I remember it was me that did this
Me that decided I would no longer chase
No longer be so desperate I’d take whatever showed Interest
Chose to not even begin if I sense an end is eminent because not trusting my instincts is what got me in this situation of me being alone, again on this day
I was the one who decided that the outcome of not settling for whatever wanted me was better for my mental wellbeing than the present depression I find myself in
Still it’s hard to believe I’m worth anything when I’m here, alone with my thoughts, unhappy and stressed with a voice saying it is me and not them
I’m the problem
I’m to blame
I’m the one who pushed them away and I’m only worthy of the leftovers of life but even they don’t seem to want me
I know this isn’t true but knowing and feeling aren’t the same and the emotions of worthlessness threaten to drown me in their waves
But this time… This time will be different
I’ll ride the waves and endure the pain because the end game is worth more than todays permeating pain
I’ll buy myself some ice-cream and set my win down on the table and tune in to Netflix.
I’ll settle on the Thai drama Sotus because it reminds me that when the odds are stacked against us
And we find ourselves trapped in an impossible situation
When heartache steps in and the chance for love has dissipated
When all hope is lost, our world turned cold and empty
There’s no umbrella for the rain a connection can still happen
Fate will find a way for two souls to blossom together
So I’ll raise a glass to acceptance of the good and the bad and the ugly
To the life I chose and have faith in the process
That being the best me will attract the greatness I deserve
That every nervous breakdown, bathroom cry, and bouts of depression are just a precursor to the explosion of my true awesome
As this vanilla, chocolate chunk caramel swirl melts into my soul, I’ll embrace the journey I chose to finally be whole and accept that the reason my greatness wasn’t seen, was the one person who had to see it wasn’t looking for it, and that person was me
Tonight I raise this glass filled with wine and tears and drink to being okay with the man I am,
Even if my light still can’t be seen, knowing that one day it will be if first I just believe
So here’s a toast to the fucked up mess who deserves it the most.
Happy valentine’s day from me to me
I love you.
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