I Didn't Want To

I didn’t want to do it but...
They laughed at me
Taunted me
Said I was nothing and shovelled disdain at me

I didn’t want to do it but...
I felt them trample on me
Fists pound against me
Burn me with their eyes ablaze with contempt

I didn’t want to do it but...
The left me out in the rain
Buried me in the snow, alive
Held me under salty sea to see if my lungs could swim

I didn’t want to do it but...
I was told to step aside, I was in the way
Something was wrong with me that couldn’t be fixed or changed, that only they could see
I was labelled a waste of space, beneath them, till I was lost from their sphere of sight

I didn’t want to do it but...
Everything they gave me ate at me
It sung to me on winds of darkness and covered me beneath the soil of shame
They turned my seasons into constant rainstorms with the jagged ice of their scorn pelting at my skin
And as my blood seeped out it burned with the disease placed inside me from the words they gave, the names I owned only on their tongues and not my own

I didn’t want to do it but...
Here I am
Walking up to the alter knife in hand
Ready to destroy something that can’t be allowed to thrive
Something that smells of the stench of uselessness
Is sticky and gooey from the tar of distress
Something that weighs me down with each step
This thing that they have turned their backs on,
Turned their noses down on
Whipped with their air of superiority, and stomped with feet of ‘I’m better than you’
It has been stabbed with beams of repulsion from their eyes and crumbled under the strength of their normalcy
This thing I have is called ‘different’
I’m not like them and even though I can’t see it, it must be true.
They can’t be all wrong… can they?

No

So I dig deep inside and scream out in pain as I wretch that which is unclean from deep within me
On the alter it is laid and as I scream to the creator to rid me of this abomination I stab it repeatedly
Over and Over as a cry, unearthly, it leaves me until it is bleeding lifeless across the church floor

The deed is done

Is this an Omen of good things to come or has something bad begun
Something that can not be undone
A series of murders to commit
More blood more death
Each person that sent me to this alter this day shall swim in the blood that they made me create
Die at the hands of the me I wouldn’t be were it not for them
And through it all I feel not a thing
My soul no longer cries
My essence no longer cries
My heart no longer cries
I no longer cry

And even through all the bodies I can still see the one
The one on the alter that I wretched free from deep inside of me
I wade my way towards it and try desperately to resuscitate it back to life, but it is to no avail
How could I have done this
Let this happen
Let them do this to me
My essence destroyed by my own hands and all this vengeance did nothing to return it to me
They say some things never change and some things do
But I can’t confirm cause I can’t even remember if I could feel at one time
Because, now,
I only know emptiness, I can’t feel it
At my own hands
My aura was on the alter laid and it’s never coming back to me
My hands are bloodied from a fate was than death
How, How, and How

My blood is on their hands,
Their blood on mine
Now
An empty
Shell
Walks through the land

I didn’t want to do it but
They made me.