Tuesday, 15 April 2014

Sociopathic Love

You did this to me
Yes you, you did
And you stand there smugly looking all innocent as you chip away more of the me I was
Laughing on the inside like you didn’t do this, create this

Delicately, deliberately, stealthily, with amazing accuracy, you snuck inside and intertwined your lies with my truths under a guise of love that you gave with no intentions of continuance
It was fake
Used to find that spot you could manipulate
A place only someone like you could find and penetrate with the ease of a dancer after a lifetime of training.

You knew I was strong and you never prey on the weak
You like the joy of intercepting something and infecting it with your beautiful poison till it becomes a part of them
They forget who they are
I forgot who I was, and turned into this person who waits on your every need
This person convinced that I am the one

The only one who truly sees and understands you
No one can love you like I can you say, time and time again and I believe--because you worked me over so good
It started of magical
Gifts and trips, and hugs and showers of love that you rained down on me as if each day would be our last

The center of your very being revolved around me and I in turn sold my soul to you not knowing that you had no soul

I fell for it
Hard, as the pity conversations came, about the messed up childhood, and the ones before me who just didn’t get you
How your heart was shattered and you didn’t see a reason to live until…
Until the day you looked into my eyes and saw a light that made you believe in life again

I wanted to heal you
Wanted to save you
Lift up this person that life had dealt a bad hand serve them a better deck
Show them there’s hope yet and remove the gloom and doom from their heart
Then there were the arguments
Just little things at first
A burst here and there followed by forgiveness gifts of teddy bears and a glimmer of that person you were when we first met
I stay cause I know I can bring him back--the one I fell in love with
I convince myself you’ve just lost your way and I can help
You told me I could help like no one else could
Yes. I can save you

Then… no more love, hugs and kisses

No more words of how great I am for you
The small fights turn into fistfights and then the guilt trip of ‘your just like the rest. You don’t understand’
But I’m better than them.
I can save you
Yes I can
I say to myself and clean up whatever mess he made
My fault for why he got angry at me this time
It’s always my fault
But he had it so bad, such a tortured life and soul, I can’t be mad at him

And you give me so many apologies
The make-ups
The fake-ups of a love that isn’t there
Just the joy of knowing that you’ve broken me down so far I’ve convinced myself that this is love, and I can bring back the one who made me love them
The one who constantly blames me for everything that goes wrong
House not clean
Food not hot
No hello when you entered the door (I must not forget next time)
Coffee too strong in the morning
And if I hadn’t been late with dinner the other day you wouldn’t have chucked it in the trash and made me do it again

So many things I do wrong
It’s my fault you’re so angry
My fault I keep ‘walking into doors’ and ‘falling down stairs’ my most common cover-ups for the times I fail you
But I can save you
You said so
You say it every time you appologise and magically that person I know you really are rearises, and the joy of our beginnings is mine once more

I can free that person from the dark place
I have the key
I just haven’t found the right hole just yet
But I’ll do it for you
Cause you love me
And I’m your savior
You told me so

Yet, there you stand,
And me
Blood trickling from my lip
Looking at you looking at me like you didn’t do this
Like you didn’t take a strong person and turn him into someone his friends don’t recognize
Confused him so much he thinks this person is him but to you

I’m a mission complete

A successful campaign to break me down because you have no moral ground
Your life exists through the breaking down of those who are strong
Exposing their inner need to help, and to heal, and using it to turn them into a receiver for all your hate in the world, for the world, and against the world
It makes you feel good
Makes you happy
Sends blood rushing through your veins that you could alienate me from my friends and family
Cut me off from the world just like you are and control my every move
Makes you feel a sense of pride to know that I’m constantly convinced it’s all my fault
That I’m not good enough to fix you
But you aren’t really broken
You are devoid of anything and all that is human and thrive off of the pain and control you can inflict on others
On me
And just before I walk out the door
Crying, a bloody mess, at the end of it all
I just can’t take it anymore...
You pull me close
Take me in your arms
Tell me your sorry
You’ll do better
And say all those things you know I want to hear, that sound sincere and alleviate my fears that this isn’t where I should be right now
Each word is laced with venom, entrapment, the knowing of exactly what to do to placate your slave and keep me doing your biding
But I don’t hear it
The cold feels like warmth
The words of evil melt over me like butter
I fall into your soul again and forget that you don’t have one
Your kiss feels like our first as you walk away
Leaving me to clean up the mess you’ve created
I pick the broken wine bottle up of the ground and completely miss the symbolism to my shattered life
(It was my fault after all)
And instead of being mad
I sigh take a deep breath and say
‘He wouldn’t get so mad at me if he didn’t love me’
I know I can heal this man.

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