Flushed

I breathe in anguish like oxygen
I exhale love like the wind
I digest pain like food and it breaks down into depression that my body uses for nourishment
But all the things that my body needs
Like hope, happiness, compassion and other pleasantries
It can not digest and use,
Is fully excreted
Discarded into the bowl of total destruction and flushed away in a swirl of forgotten dreams
Permanently removed to leave me so depressively
Then in again I breathe

Forest

Photo by Noel Zepeda

I'm crying on the inside
Cliche, I know... But its true
Inside me is a forest of depression
Its beautiful, magnificent full of everything my heart desires but doesn't need
Trees of sadness, birds of anger, chipmunks of pain, butterflies of hate
Wild mushrooms of destruction, raw berries of denial
Foxes and rabbits, beavers and dear
Plant life of all kinds all renamed and labeled in strife

Then there's water, tears of depression
All mine, my creation
Falls from the sky on cue to keep this forest alive... Help it thrive...
It flows into rivers full and clear with fish to be eaten by the wild bears
Divides into sections due to the beavers dams
Makes random puddles that float amongst the grass
Sometimes it pours and other times it drizzles and sometimes it rains though the sun has risen
Though on the surface it looks wonderful and grand
Nothing is as it seems for this surface is me

I'm looking out on the real world and see nothing but despair
Each tree, each bird, each person, all beliefs, just appear, to me, to be, just different forms of misery
so I smile and hide and cry on the inside as I fall apart
As I loose hope and darken my heart

I see me lost, alone, destroyed, going nowhere cause everything around me is trying to destroy me
Making me realise that I hate me
Hate who I am
Where I live
How I look and see nothing but pain, how I can only see how worthless I am
How all my relationships are doomed to fail
And my friendships... Who knows... Would I even be my friend
If I wasn't me... Maybe

So I smile, I laugh and I play
Try to ignore that my soul isn't fading but already lost, destroyed and withered away
My eyes blackened by how much I hate me but to the world they look bright and shiny and full of hope
I cry enough to keep my inner world alive
Feed it with the grey world I live in on the outside
Nurture it with each breath knowing that no matter how hard the rain may fall
My forest of depression will grow, stand tall
In this forest I rest my head, I sleep where my feet land
Depression is my home

Yes, I know its beauty is a farce but its all I know
So I'll cry and cry and cry, though you'll never see it
Cause if I stay In your world I know I'll take my life
But my forest is real to me, here I am alive

Prisoner

I'm attached, glued, pressed together, tied up and chained
Forcibly held, against my will, refrained, permanently detained
Cemented, stamped, imprinted, stuck, sealed,
To the earth, the ground, the planet, the soil, the sand,
To a place that rejects me yet won't let me go
To a land that hates me but holds me prisoner
Treats me like a disease, is infected by each breath I breathe
And I am affected by its hatred of me
I want to be free, but the world won't let me leave
It torments me with each step
Burns my insides with each breath
Does all it can to make me want to break away yet holds on to me so tight I can't escape
I'm a prisoner in my own skin
Imprinted by a life that doesn't want me
That I don't want to be in
My wrists, my hands, my ankles, bleed the blood of the person I don't want to be
Trying to escape this world that has chained me
A land that has no place for me and never shies away from telling me so... Letting me know
But I am human so here I must stay, until my time has passed away
I am chained, tied up, pressed together and glued, attached to this world by my race.

Flower

He loves me not--He loves me...

As my last petal is thrown aside I realise I've given up my beauty for someone else's happiness
I have been violated
Forcibly plucked and torn apart
And now that my job is done... there is no more use for me
I've been raped of my worth and now...
I'm just an ugly stem thrown aside

Clock

Ticktock Ticktock
The sound of the clock signifies the pace of time
The order in which things go
The rhythm and rhyme of life
24 hours... 7 days a week... 60 minutes to each unit of the hour but as the seconds tick in my head I realise that my time skips a beat
Me and the living-room clock are not in synch
Chaos rules my heart beat
A metronome of disaster pulls at my heart strings
The earthquake of my tormented soul doesn't know the pace to which the man-made clock goes
So as my aura bleeds the agony of my space and time... as sanity slips in and out on the rhythm of a swirling breeze... as love comes and leaves and heartache fills its place... as smiles turn to frowns and straight lines form circles that go round and round and bring me back to this living space
Where the perfect clock and my life's time piece click out of pace
I realise it's man-made just as I on that night, or day,  I cant say
We are both flawed... but my inner clock bends man's rules of time
It lives in a space where heartache can last forever and love flits in and out from petal to petal as fast as a honey bee
Where doubt is only a few steps slower than hope and the destroyer of dreams is at the same pace as faith, no matter how fast hope tries to keep faith afloat,
An impossible task with doubt just a few steps behind hope giving its strength to the destroyer of dreams
My clock keeps sadness on par with joy and my avalanche of emotions never know at which pace to go
But though quite different, the clock and I,  ultimately will stop keeping track of time
But a new battery will give the clock back its life
While I will be berried... forgotten... expired
My ticker can not be revived

Another Day

Another day to be me
Another day to live my life
Another day to breathe
Another day to just be
Another day to close my eyes and dream
Believe
Escape
Fantasize
Release

Another day to look at myself
Another day to want for something else
Another day to view life through these eyes
Another day to swim in the rain from my grey skies
Another day to close my eyes and dream,
Believe
Escape
Fantasize
Release

Another day to live inside myself
Another day to hide from the world
Another day to pretend the world no longer exists
Another day to retreat and deny life's truths...
Another day to close my eyes and dream,
Believe
Escape
Fantasize
Release... And refuse to open my eyes

Reflection

I'm lost, but I know where I am
Sad but my reflection is smiling
Lonely with someone beside me
I'm... Well I don't know really
I just know what I am is incomplete

Sunset

Photo By Noel Zepeda

I look out my window to see the sunset
Watch the splendor of the colors as they mold together
A symphony of vision that plays its music on my mind
Plucks on the heartstrings of serenity
Strums on the pulse of desire
Trickles through the windmills of my mind on the wind chimes of delight
Runs across the keys on notes low and high, playing chords of all kinds, on the memories of my life
All the good and bad moving together in harmony on a river where you cant tell its start from its end... each note belongs to the next... on the harps tune of experience
Then there's the moan of sadness smooth as water untouched, but with a calmness that rises on the heartbeat of hope, as the violins continue to rise with my emotional tides
Than a playful yet smooth infusion of spontaneity on the acoustic rhythms of Spanish guitar dancing across the footsteps of my soul

The percussions beat with the anticipation of the future, the anxiety of the past -- the hurt, pain and love of the present -- Running around the fields of uncertainty where the tall grass hides my paths from here to there, as the flute joins in to keep my hope floating --On the fast and twirling runs I find acceptance in the unknown as the trumpets sound to signify there's room to grow
I rise higher as the orchestra takes me on a crescendo and sore through the clouds on musical wings -- on an allegro of light and happy wind beneath my wings, I flap to the sound of joy each breath brings
Then there's a sudden cadence while the gong signifies lightening
I’m struck and fall to the ground in a long decrescendo….
Then a few bars of silence as I lay on the ground, before the violins return singing a sad tune in minor key, an Adagio that puts me at ease
Even though the chords of this tune may not be the best these violins blend well with the piano and prove there's hope yet
Then in softly comes the flutes on the winds of time once again playing the wind chimes in avenues of my mind
The percussions beet softly giving me the strength to get up and move along the rivers flowing with the melodies of the harp
The trumpets hum softly in the background and I realize, today the sky holds gray clouds I can not see the sun’s demise
And as this last movement comes to its finale, I still don’t regret my living in the west
I close my eyes and let the symphony re-arise as I look at the sunset on the music sheets of my mind

Am I?

Am I datable
Lovable
Desirable
Wanted
Needed?

Am I capable of being someone's better half
Soul-mate
Lover
Companion
Completion?

Am I not all that I could be, should be
Smarter
Softer
Harder
Happier
Sadder?

Am I not what you need
Solidity
Safety
Comfort
Support?

So many questions without answers or maybe they are answers in disguise as questions
A trick to fool me into believing the truths in the answers that don't exist
And... as I ponder the idea of 'am I' I realise that I'm blank
Just empty
Not an empty canvass to paint on
Not an empty void to be filled
There are no existing clever ways and perfect phrases to explain it this time around
The profoundness is in its simplicity
The idea so easy it's astounding
That it is so uncomplicated surprises me and brings new light and despair at the idea of simple
I will turn my question into a statement and amazingly... now... I have answers

I am not what you need
Solidity
Safety
Comfort
Support.

I am not all that I could be, should be
Smarter
Softer
Harder
Happier
Sadder.

I am not capable of being someone's better half
Soul-mate
Lover
Companion
Completion.

I am not datable
Lovable
Desirable
Wanted
Needed.

And now that I've made the switch the feeling is still the same... nothing has changed..the answers in my questions have been revealed and the truths I created to answer them destroyed
What  am I to do now that I can see the 'I am not' in my "Am I' datable?

Perception

Sunlight
sunshine,
sunbeams,
too bright,
blinding me,
need shadows,
need comfort,
soothing breeze,
damp air,
chilling darkness,
grey gloom,
black skies,
grey clouds,
need light,
shining bright,
too hot,
burning flames,
I need,
in between,
no light,
no dark,
comfortable,
neutralized,
not this,
another life.

Inspiration

Photo by Noel Zepeda

Sitting on a park bench just thinking about life
Wanting to write a poem but I'm not sure what to write
Hoping to be inspired, be struck with inspiration
That the universe will give me the seeds of new creation
People walk by me, some fast some slow
The sun is positioned so I write in my hands shadow
A lady walks by arm in arm with her mom
Enjoying the rare warmth of this seasons sun
All the trees and shrubs blow lightly in winters breeze
But yet my mind seems numb loosing itself with ease
The soothing sound of city traffic, the harmonies of chirping birds
And in the distance laughter and friendly chatter can be heard
The feel of the crisp clean air with every breath I take
That slightly chilled afternoon breeze calms as it hits my face
So many things going on around me as for my inspiration I wait
As birds fly overhead I wonder how much longer will it take
There are only moments left of sunshine before behind the buildings it dives
Surrounded by such activity I decide to take a break and close my eyes
It seems while waiting for clarity my sight was getting in the way
Now I see more clearly what this park bench means to me
I was looking much too hard, to far, desperation made me blind
But now that I've taken a step back, relaxed, I find my inspiration is life

God's Flight

If god is a bird he flies north in the winter and south in the spring... Leaving me in eternal cold
My life sees no summers and knows no springs
Fall enters on the eve of winters wings
I am chilled by the maker that shifts the stars and realigns the seasons into positions that constantly leave me with chilled hours
My heart has been burned by frost that bites at it by day and night

Rambling Heart

Sitting here thinking I should be happy
I'm alive still... of sound mind and somewhat healthy
But sad is all I feel
I'm living a life I wish wasn't real, and as I reach inside my soul to find something that will give me new meaning and hope to swim through the oceans of depression to dry land, I realize that I cant
It's impossible
Illogical... undeniably inconceivable and certain in its certainty that I am unhappy
Alone in this world

                    No one to hold me, no one to comfort me, no one to cry with, no one to die with
                    Just me, and myself and I, together, forever, to never travel with a forth companion... just by ourselves into a world that has no love for us... so we give up
                   Or we try to give up
                   But sadly we can not
                   For we are eternally, emotionally, subconsciously and consciously bound to a reality that makes us believe that we deserve love

                                           I believe that someone will find me
                                           I believe that the universe will guide me
                                           Towards the person who will compliment me, complete me, shape and reform me into a unit that's made up of two entities, stronger than just the one, bonded by trust and love
                                           But I also believe that love has deserted me
                                           I feel that the universe has intentionally forgotten me
                                           So by myself I sit and cry, and ponder, and decide, that I've had enough of this conundrum of loving love and hating it at the same time
                                           But alone is so... I don't even want to think about it

I want my rhymes to sing,

I want them to breathe,

I want them to flow on the notes that robins sing in the springtime

To fly on the music of the humming birds wings

To chirp with the morning frogs hiding in the trees

And harmonize with the singing crickets, to soar on the breeze high through the clouds, of mountains, to flow in fountains, and be heard in the rippling of a brook, and be caught in the spray of a water fall

I want them to be fresh as the dew drops on a leaf

And fall when ripe like apples from the trees

But they don't, they can't, and won't

They refuse to be anything more than the usual, factual, not too intellectual ramblings of a man hanging by a never ending thread of loneliness

A man wishing to wake up and see it's all a dream and have someone laying next to me, instead of a cold pillow that brings no comfort no matter how hard I squeeze

It just reminds me, binds me, confines me, to the obviousness of my situation

That I've finally realized exactly what I want, what I need and will never receive, unless I just give up retreat and cut myself off from the world... so cold

The world that holds what I need, but if I go out there I'll drown in all that I want, not need, and end up falling for something that's not enough, not right, just wrong, and try to hold on cause I want so bad to be needed by someone more than a friend

But if I hide than this person I'll never find

But if I look I'll settle for whatever I do find

I'm stuck in the middle, in that place where both left and right are quite different but the same

Alone and miserable if I stay

Alone and miserable if I stray

Alone, plus alone, equals me, singularly

All I want is to be in a space where something flowed from my mind and infected my fingers to write words that will uplift the minds and hearts of the nations, and become contagious to all who come in contact with it, with an undeniable sense of wholeness that refreshes even the most hardened soul

But today won't be that day

So here I am trying to be happy, and I find, the more I write about love, the more it evades me
So here I will stop
Yes here I will stop

Seperation

I am a leaf on a fruitless tree

Yearning to be more than I can be

Knowing that if I leave my branch I will die

That my roots have determined my barren life--a species that will be fruitless no matter how hard I try--to grow into something more appealing to the eye

But still I try... yes, I try

Until I fall to the ground and leave my branch behind

I was a leaf on a fruitless tree now separated from pain am I

D

Down.  Diminished.  Disintegrated.  Distressed.  Destroyed.  Demolished.  Disgusted.  Destructed.  Decomposed.  Deteriorated.  Decapitated.  Dismissed.  Depressed.  Drained.  Disabled.  Dragged.  Dropped, and dominated...

Disgusted with my life

Disengaged with who I am

What do you do when the problem is yourself

Twisted Trinity

There's me, myself and I.

All together... we... make an us.

Three voices uniquely their own agreeing and disagreeing on the who's and whatnot's of the us, we are together.

But through the many voices holding this organism in form, there is still only one entity and together all in one

A-L-L, O-N-E

Drop one L and he is alone

A-L-O-N-E

Subconcious Hope

Here... I give this to you

It is so cold and alone
Lifeless, forgotten, thrown aside, used and abused
Unidentifiable, nameless, lost and rotten
It used to be... so wonderful full and free... It believes
It used to hum a song so sweet and full of the nothings that bring such joy
But now it just moans and groans in agony of what it used to be
Only a distant memory, soon to become a fantasy, its destruction slowly happening, soon to be lost from reality