Circle

I'm in a place
It's familiar
I've been down this road before
I've been through the same dores
Made this same decisions
Choices arise and I try to convince myself that this time I will decide
Differently
I battle with myself over the obvious conclusion
I talk logic and try to reason with my inner voice
But no matter how right I may be
That one voice that says 'do it' keeps calling to me
It overrules my obvious and supported doubts
It laughs in the face of facts
Stands firm in a sea of truths
Is a rock that can not be moved by the waves of reality
It knows what it's doing is the way and is resolute in it's certain
This voice can not be swayed
And after many tries to convince myself with the obviousness of the disaster ahead
I do what I did before, and does it work out
It doesn't
I have failed
And here I am again in that oh familiar place
Putting up the good fight to not continue this destruction
But again I fall into the circle of madness
I will never break free
I will....
I dunno I just will

Sometimes I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder why tears fall
Why the sky is blue and the grass is green
The difference between the wind and the breeze

Sometimes I wonder why hearts bleed
Why the ocean flows and the birds fly
The difference between elevate and raise

Sometimes I wonder why souls shatter
Why clouds float in the air and bees buzz
The difference between we and us

Sometimes I wonder why love dies
Why robins sing and babies cry
The diference between me and I

Sometimes I wonder why I wonder
Why I ponder, why i feel so low
Why my pain only grows

Sometimes I wonder why all things are and what it would be like if they were different.

Unspoken

I get so... you know
And it gets like... yeah like that
And then it turns into.... yeah
But it's more like that and not so much this
It's just that sometimes...
Well I dunno it's just so...
Sometimes I fell like I could just...
Then other times I don't want to be all...
But every now and then it takes over and I feel... you know
Like this, and that, all bottled up together within itself so it's like this but then again it isn't
Because it feels so, like, um, well, it is yeah that's it.
So yeah, that's how I feel today
You get me.

Change

There are so many things I thought I'd never know
So many things I thought I'd never experience
So much of the world to see that my eyes would never see
Emotions to feel, and pain to heal and joys and dreams that all become real
Things on top of things that are so distant to me
All things I'd thought could never be
Than something changed and there was you
And no, I still don't know anything more than I did before
But the difference is now, I believe
I know I will experience them all
In time

Alone

I'm sitting he on my bed
Alone just thinking
That yeah I'm alone just thinking as usual
No one to shout at me for running late
No one snoring beside me driving me insane
No one to share a slice of toast with
No one to fight over the last bagel in the fridge
It's just, this word alone filters through my entire being
I eat alone, work alone, sleep alone, live alone,
I write alone
And if words are my mistress, poetry my love, I have no one to share it with
No one to force to read my unpublished works and help me perfect my craft
No one to cry with me when i'm hurt
No one to experience my joy when i'm lifted from pain
It's just me as usual and i find i dont want to do much anymore
And should someone come my way
I cling to them in the most depressing ways
And they never like to read, aren't interested in what I write
Wont chill with me in public usually and would much rather hide in the confines of their homes
Keep it a secret
And i'm so desperately alone that even though I know this relationship is doomed to failure
I compromise everything to make it last, I don't care what it takes I'll make it work
Even if i have to sell my soul to the underworld to make it happen
And then it fails again, and yes it really is me to blame
And now I find myself here wanting to do it all over
Maybe next time it will work
But reality has set in for me
And i've decided to let this word alone run right through me
Embrace it claim it
No more sacrifice
I wont cling for a love that I know wont survive
I will wait for something thats just right
So here I am alone, by my own divine decision
I know it's the best thing
I know it's the way to go
But...
I'm falling appart
Dying inside
I'm alone
Cold
Empty
Slowly being destroyed
How could something so right bring me so much pain
If it's better this way
Why does Alone fell the same... As when I am not alone
It hurts too much

Poetic Soulmate

I've been mindfucked
Violated in the worst kind of way
My brain impregnated by the words of a woman
The ideas of someone who knows just what words to use to hit the spot
She slides her lyrics in-between the lines of my mind and fills all the spaces
The rhythm of her poetry pulses against my cerebellum and has me screaming for a deeper insertion
How does she know what words to say
How is it that her pen writes this way
It finds the deepest corners of my mind and caresses their darkness into the light
With just a touch, and a whisper,
Each word,
It lingers, and my brain tingles with delight
Then she thrusts more phrases into me, oh just right
She knows how I like it
This woman, she has saved me
Her lyrics have made me realise that we are one, and that I am not alone
Across some plain of destiny she speaks to me in a code that only I can understand
My suicidal thoughts, and pains are all laid bare in her stanzas
With each comma she takes a moment to thrust more of her music into me
I'm afraid that she knows me so well
But I just cant get enough of the oohs and ahhs and whatnots that her words seem to make my brain feel
Each stanza takes me higher
My entire being spasms to the rhythm she takes me on
She is in control
I become lost in her style and can no longer distinguish my words from hers
My fingers from hers
Each stroke of her pen sends bolts of electricity across my mind
The sound of her voice reading her own lines is oh so sublime
And as she gets into the hardcore thrusting exclamation points
I want more,
Speak to me, speak to me, breathe your truths into me
Entice me with the sudden dips in emotion
Spank me with your fullstops, and smack me in the face with your straight up honest style
Take me on a hardcore ride through exotic, lyrical, wordgasmic, mystical, it's supernatural, unnatural how her words speak my heart
How each letter she types presses on the strings of my tears
And as they come together to form full sentences I know it was meant to be because the sentences breathe and swim on the notes of my fears
My pain is shared, my joys and hopes and dreams laid before me
It's all there, line by line
And there's no need to try to fight it as she straps on her sword of inspiration and shoves it into me I scream out for more
Don't stop, I need your words to fill me
Reach deep down into my core
And the more she feeds me I precum in anticipation of what being a slave to her art makes me
With each thrust I let go more of myself
For I know I'm safe in the world she has created for me
In the texture of her words I find a place to call home
I'm not alone as long as I have her art to guide me
Oh man I'm getting real close just thinking about the next time we meet and she injects me again, impregnates me again, seeds me with the juices of her genius
The depths of the intellectual connection we have cannot be explained all I know is I need her rhymes
Like I need air to breath, cause this mindfuck is that intense
Don't know how much longer my brain can handle it
Her truths are mine, my heartaches my joys, and the secrets I hide, she finds them
It's hidden in everything she writes like each word is just for me
She gives it to me raw, unsheathed
Yeah I know that's risky but I trust her with everything in me
Oh man my brain is tingling, it's almost at the brink, god I can no long think
We cum together,
God damn my mind is left wide open and gaping
Cause that was some thick ass lyrical shit
Her words are that good I keep wanting more of it
No one else can do it quite like she can
And the real fucked up shit about this mindfuck is that my soul mate isn't a man.

Creation

I see my eyes in you
My soul my breathe, my love in you
I see my laugh in you
My joy, my compassion, my heart in you
But something is different, yet still the same
Something has grown something has changed
Evolved into something much more spectacular
A part of me yet, somehow special and unique
And although I can still see part of me shimmer in your eyes
The beauty you will become is in you hands now, not mine
But part of me will live on forever in you
The joys of parenthood

My World

I don't live in a world where it's okay to mistreat women
Where it's okay to treat them less than a man, less then human and think we are justified in that decision
After having to fight to vote, and for education just as they did we should understand how not to treat them,
But apparently it doesn't work like that,
We deserve pity and special treatment and not them

I don't live in a world where it's okay to hate on another culture
To train my children to only like one race
To teach them not to bring 'them' home to date cause they ain't done nothing for you but cause you harm
We got to stick together and look out for our own--they say
But all I see is us, bringing ourselves down
Shutting down all things different because of our former repression
But you know what there was the Holocaust, and women being burned to the stake as witches
And humans destroyed for not being crhistians
We should know how to not hate and discriminate on any other race
Purely based on the same fact that, that was what was done to our race
But apparently it doesn't work like that, only we deserve special treatment

So yeah that's my stance
I don't do double standards
I don't live in a world where it's okay for us to scream injustice every moment we can
To hide behind the guise of slavery and never take responsibility for our own actions
Being womanizers is a form of oppression
Teaching our youth to hate a race before giving them a chance is racism no matter how you justify it
Feeding into hate of any sect, whether white, Asian, black, African or other, is discrimination no matter how you word it
We always say do unto others as you would have them do unto you, but how can this be true
When we eat, sleep, breathe and harp on something so deep, that we manifest all the things done to our ancestors onto the world
We become what they were to us and discriminate right back and consider it just
Well what's right is right and what is wrong is wrong
And if it was wrong when it was done to you I see now way how it could be right when you do it to them
But whatever, I guess that's why I don't have many 'black' friends
Because I don't live in a world where I can hide behind my ancestors hardships and use it as a scapegoat to impose that same hate and discriminate on all those around me
So hate on these words and call me a sellout, that's fine
You live in a world where you can pretend that hate can be justified
I refuse to be a part of perpetuating injustice
Don't like it, whatever, fuck it, just deal with it
I will treat everyone equally until they show me they deserve otherwise
Because fair is fair, and everyone deserves a chance to earn my trust
I don't live in a world of hate,  I live in a world of...
If I have to say it then obviously we don't live in the same world

Mornings

The sun shines and the birds sing
The scent of morning air
The feel of warm breeze as it comes through my window
Spring is almost over and summer is near
And so the seasons change
And with them so should I, but I can't
I just know as the rays dance across my face and head
I really just want to stay in bed

Religical

I'm back into this posting swing again.  This one may or may not upset people, but as usual I dont give a fuck.  So now that we've gotten past that bit what's up with people feeling they can push their agendas down my throat and then getting mad when I foil their plans by killing them with kindness.  Sarcasm is your best friend when you desperately need to put someone in their place without stepping over the boundaries of decency.  If you're going to be evil you might as well do it with class.

So who am I picking on to day.  Religion.  Yes I said it.  It's okay for you to try and have me join your cult, but let there be a bad word in a movie and oh no, we cant have that.  You can blast your gospel music, but let me have my R&B, or country, or anything not gospel playing just loud enough for you to hear, and I must turn my music down.  Everything from, anti abortion, to anti gay, to anti anything that isn't christian. How much intolerance can one sect of people have.  And more importantly why do they feel that they, out of the multitude of religions out there, have the right to force all humans to be exactly like them.  Who could be that supreme and dictatorial that they think only they are right and the whole world must bend to their will.  This is why religion gets removed from so many places where it could be useful.  Because of this annoying superiority complex that it has.

It drives me nuts.  I happen to be in therapy.  Yup I admitted it.  I'm chemically imbalanced.  To what degree is my business but in Bermuda this is what I come up against.  Why dont you come to church and give it to god.  You dont really need that if you just come to church.  My friend got put in therapy and it done nothing for her but Jesus rearranged her life.  Christ can heal you.  OMFG.  I'd spell it out but if I use the word fuck and god in the same sentence people might try to exorcise the demons out of me.  Oops I think I just did it... oh well.  And on that not if I have to see someone type OM(little g)G one more time I'm going to blast their little g with my that's lame-o laser gun.  But back to the point, I have a problem.  And I have decided how I'm going to fix it.  Who are you to think that you can tell me that your way is the only way.  Not another option, but the end all to be all and is one hundred percent foolproof.  Sometimes I wonder if the word support means anything to people who's sole mission is to convert people, and bring them over to the light.

Here is a prime example of what you're up against on this island.  It's christmas dinner.  The designated church person gets asked to say grace.  Now bare in mind that all of the family was raised in the church so wether we still go or not doesn't diminish our base christian values.  So they begin to say grace. and I quote:
Dear father thank you for bringing us here today.  Let us remember why we are here.  To celebrate the birth of your son and how he came to set us free.  How it is his love that has kept us and provided for us to this day.  Let us remember that by you through him we are able to be here today to celebrate his love and your love for sacrificing him for us.  And if there are any here that do not believe let them know that it is never too late to come to you.  Let this day remind them of your love and let them not forget the true meaning of christmas.  May the see that through you all things are posible and that they too can receive the many blessing you have to give to those who follow you.  Thank you for this food we are about to eat and the hands that prepared it.  Amen"

Hmmm (rolling eyes).   See a problem? I do.  Why the hell did the grace only get one sentence.  And at the end no less.  Why did the simple blessing of the food turn into a lecture on the true meaning of christmas and again a call to christ.  Apparently their christian agenda was way more important than the fact that the family which to no fault of our own, has their own separate adult lives so we only get together on holidays and special occasions as a whole unit.  That is what this is about, it's about us as a family coming together and having fun both christian and non christian and getting along harmoniously.  Why does everything have to be infused with christ and why do they have to alienate people who dont fall in line with their beliefs.  Just thank god for the food, mention how it's nice that the holiday has brought us all together again, and don't try to call me to christ when i'm really here to mingle with family that I hardly ever see.  This is what I look forward to these gatherings for and to have someone try to overshadow the happiness and joy of the occasion with their 'religical' religious and political agenda is just a fucking kill joy.

So you dont like gays.  Well I dont' like pretentious assholes.  But you dont see me trying to ostracize all idiots into a box and force them to be like me, or destroy them.  You don't like people who don't marry before sex, um well whatever.  That's your damn opinion.  Some people actually like to know what they're getting into before they get married.  That is their choice.  Some people like to move in with each other before they get married.  Why... they want to know if they actually can live together before taking the leap of living together forever.  Who are you to judge that type of decision.  It's so frustrating that all they ever seem to do is hate on anyone who doesn't live by their annoyingly self imposed strict guidelines of how a human should be.  And yes there are those new age christians who aren't all self-righteous assholes.  So before the whiners who always say they aren't all like that get all moody and mad.  Obviously I'm not fucking talking about you if you aren't like that.  So just roll your eyes, shrug your shoulder and move on.  Just call me another bitter non-christian and stop trying to school me on things I already know.

And if I'm bitching about my job and how life sucks, please keep your you should be blessed that god gave you a job.  God woke you up this morning and that's something to be thankful for type of comments to yourself.  Anyone who read my 'waking up is not enough' blog knows my sentiments on this.  I'm so sick and tired of them telling me what I should and shouldn't be happy about.  If you want to be happy that your life sucks but god woke you up this morning so it's okay, fine.  You do you and I'll do me.  And that is another issue right there.  The complete inability to let bygones be bygones.  If I'm an atheist, jew, muslim, whatever that isn't christian, thats my god damn right.  Yup I used god's name in vain and I'm still alive.  We should be all allowed to believe and think what we want.  And somehow do this and peacefully coexist.  And if I have to watch another christian video about all the satan signs in music videos I'm going to just scream.

Here's what bothers me about that.  They say this that and the other about all the hidden symbols and so on videos and clothing lines blah blah blah.  But someone has to buy these christian dvd's dont they.  Someone has to by tickets to the arena where these dvd's are being made.  All the shirts and other paraphernalia associated with this 'our hip hop stars are evil and sending subliminal messages' stuff are being sold aren't they?  At the end of the day, if there is no evil to sell, then there is nothing to scare christians into following christ and furthermore, there is nothing for them to invest their money into to keep this fear machine alive.  If all of the superstars aren't evil undercover satan worshipers than all this coverage and stuff you're feeding into their heads just disappears.  In essence they are doing the exact same thing they are claiming the stars are doing.  Using subtle tactics to get their audience to be further submerged in what they say is the truth.  Using the exact same methods to different ends.  Evil is as evil does.  Why spend so much time trying to destroy other people who have chosen their path and are doing well at it, when what you could be doing is instilling hope, love and equality into your own sect of the world.  Why is everything built on fear and the pulling down of other people so that we the christians can rise as the chosen into heaven.  Again it's more pushing of the 'Religical' agenda.

It just doesn't make sense.  The entire basis of the religion stands on things we must do for after death.  What we should do to be better over there.  To get to heaven you must, if you do this you will get in, we must try to live according to god so that, and so on and so forth.  What about now.  Why is everything I do based around where I will be after death.  Why is that always the ulterior goal.  What about life now.  What about a better tomorrow.  What do I as a human in todays world care about the afterlife.  I wont be alive there.  I am living now though.  Why aren't there rules that aren't revolving solely around death.  Why do I have to constantly be reminded of the threat to hell if i dont live by your rules.  And what god would condem his followers to hell purely because they decided that church just isn't for them.  Nobody could be that cruel.  But he has to be in order for religion to work.  Besides when has fear tactics ever really worked anyway.

Again this hate thing.  If it's supposed to be about love show me.  Show me that you are willing to help love, care and support anyone no matter what their beliefs are.  Teach my how to be a just, moral and fair person regardless of if I do or dont think god exists.  Let me see you be nonjudgmental to your fellow man no matter if they fall into categories you claim diserve condemnation.  I'm not interested in what you say, but what you do.  Show me the love.  Live in the way you think a good upstanding citizen of society should live.  If you are that full of christ-love you should never have to tell me.  You should never have to shove your belief system down my throat like it's your penis.  There should be something in the way you walk, talk and cary yourself that just gives of an aura of 'hmmmm I want to know how this person does it.  I want to be like this person.  I wonder how I can better myself in such away.'  Live your life in a way that makes me want to come to you, aspire to be you and you wont ever have to tell me what you believe because I will come and ask you.  Just stop pushing your 'Religical' agenda.  Christ himself did an equal amount of doing as he did teaching, and was by far way less judgmental than most people, christian or not, are today.

Furthermore, back to the grace incident, the word christian cannot exist without christ.  Hence before there was a christ there were no christians.  That even a five year old could point out.  So although it is one of the oldest religions.  It is pretty far away from being the first.  So that's food for thought for people who think it is most definitely the end all to be all.  Also i'm not sure what religion it was but christmas was originally the celebration of a pegan son god, I'm leaning towards egyptian but I honestly have no clue.  So this whole jesus is the reason for the season stuff, just admit that's what you believe and let it go and again stop with the forcing it down the entire worlds throat.  Every christmas gets flooded with all the taking christ out of christmas christian backlash which quite frankly makes me roll my eyes.  Just let go and let live already.

I just, to be quite honest, wish it was more show and less tell.  There's too much hate verbally and when that doesn't work they take action.  Because their way is the only way and if all humans cant see this then we are just idiots.  With all the different languages and cultures it's kind of disheartening to know that if it were up to them none of this stuff would still exist.  We would all be the same.  All humans would be zombies for christ.  What kind of human race would we be if nobody was different.  I just dont get this obsession with everything having to be the same.

So now that i'm running out of things to hate on I will say this.  Yes I do believe in god.  Yes I would consider myself a christian, and yes I'm well aware of what this entails.  But no I will not force others to believe like me.  I will not look down or judge people because of their sexuality or different cultural beliefs.  If anything I want to know more about different cultures.  Knowing why people do what they do may only enhance my own beliefs.  It's a much better route than immediately thinking they are wrong and I should bring them to my side.  It is faith based after all, and isn't that the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.... or something or other.  Faith is just that. Faith.  Which means I can have faith I will be a famous author someday but that by no means makes it a reality.  Still I can believe in it until I die even if it never comes to fruition.  So me being a christian I'm perfectly capable of accepting the fact I have no real proof what I believe is right and therefore cannot expect or think myself supreme enough to force the world to agree with me.  And you know what... I'm okay with that.  I do my best to love everyone.  To be as fair as I can.  Am I perfect, far from it, but again I'm okay with that.  But I have friends that believe in god to serious extents, I have atheist friends, and so on and so forth.  And you know what we get along sublimely because we agree to disagree and just once I'd like to see a christian fully embrace the only god can judge bullshit the spout and actually act upon it and stop hating

And now that I'm rally at the end, those chain mails that have stupid qualifiers at the end like '99 percent of people wont forward this but if you are not ashamed to admit you love god..." are you serious.  Delete. I love, love LOVE god and I never forward these.  Don't try to guilt trip me into doing the right thing.  If you don't trust in my good human nature enough to forward on an inspirational message then why are you even sending it.  I hate how they try to impose some sort of guilt for people like me who actually would send it.  I may have a friend who really needs to hear whatever these messages may say, and although I will admit it may not be the best approach, I never forward these as I already said.  Don't try to force me into your world, especially considering i'm already in it.  Back again to fear tactics and pushing their 'Religical' agenda.  Guilting me into doing what you think is the right thing, to me, is just wrong.  There are loads of people out there who's hearts are in the right places.  Most of the most decent and caring people I know dont have much to do with god, so if they get one of these why should they have to put up with your agenda.  Why cant they just forward it on to people in need without you trying to make them feel bad cause they don't love god.  Now they have to delete the last phrase to make it safe for all their friends.  Which no-one should ever have to do.  It's either a good message, or it's not.

But anyway, I guess I'm so fed up with being a christian and having to always fight for the underdog.  Fight for the equality of all mankind.  Having to argue with people who are supposed to be on my team.  I'm just tired of pointing out flaws in reasoning, and again wish we could all just live in life.  I am a christian, I do believe in god, and I don't need the entire world to agree with me in order to do so.  My heart is in the best place it's been in years and I hope that it will linger here for a while and I don't get lost in the muck of reality.  And I will do my best to become less judgmental with each day and redefine myself as a christian and not become a stale and mindless zombie.  I am trying to grow and not just follow.  So I guess my question is are you.  Or are you just another 'Religical" asshole.

Someone Else

What if these hands I have aren't mine
These lips, these eyes, my arrival to life
If I didn't write with my right but instead with my left
If the secrets I hold aren't mines to be kept
What if my life belongs to someone else

If the loneliness I feel isn't mine to bare
If those I love are someone else for to care
If the tears that I cry in solitude each night
And the ones inside belong to someone else's plight 

Am I wrong to believe that this being isn't me
What if my life belongs to someone else

If someone else got my height, my goals and love
They hold my success, my money, my trust
The unbroken solidity of a family home
The joy, contentment and lack of feeling alone
If all the goodness and greatness I should have had
Was given to them, a mistake at God's hand
They should be me, and I should be them
What if my life belongs to someone else

How could this have happened, why can’t it be fixed
How could the creator make such a mistake as this
My house, my wife, my familly, my kids
My laughter, my joy, my hopes, my dreams
My skin-tone, my friends, my unbroken family,
My body, my contentment, the gift of sanity
My place in life was given to another
My heart, my soul and even my lover
The career and success that is rightfully mine
Is held in the hands of another man, another's life
Still it isn't their fault
Someone else is to blame
In the heavens above
We all know his name
He fucked with my life
Gave me misery and strife
Knowing all along
That what he did was wrong
But the all mighty is always right
So I can’t blame him for his own blight
But I know it's his fault
And I demand justice
He's shit on the wrong man
And he had better remedy this
I don't care if you are the almighty and divine
Give me the life that you know is rightfully mine

But my pleads are futile
I'm swimming in denial
God will never answer though he knows he's wrong
And somehow I think I’ve known this all along
That my shitty existence was intentional fuckery
And God is up there having a blast just laughing at me
But I know I’m right as sure as sure can be
My life's fucked cause God gave it to someone else but me

I Wanted

I wanted you to hold me
I wanted you to kiss me
I wanted you to connect with me
I wanted you to want me
I asked for all these things
I gave you everything
And all I wanted in return
Was for you to want me and you to be--I wanted so much for you and us...

I wanted you to love me, but you gave your heart to someone else.

Rhyme

I was going to write a rhyme
That kept in perfect time
It was going to be sublime
Forever etched in the tapestry of time
It would take your mind to new heights
Give the wings of your soul the lift to glide
Inspire you enough to say
Damn that poem just blew me away
I was going to write beautiful rhyme
But the lyrics seem to have escaped my mind

A Good Day

Today I'm feeling pretty good
It doesn't happen that often
So while I'm shooting through the clouds of bliss I will take a dive into the seas of happiness and swim out into the deep ocean of contentment
Yes that's the kind of day I'm having
The type of day that makes you think maybe life isn't so bad after all
The type of day you keep looking for life to put a pebble in our path to trip over stumble and fall
But it never happens
Things run smooth and you happy cloud never turns grey
You find yourself wishing all days could be this way and just at the moment when you're about to give yourself a reality check you stop, breathe, exhale, relaxe
Today you refuse to let reality sink in
You will believe that tomorrow and the next, then the next day will be the same way
Today you are on such a high nothing can bring you down
You flying balloon is impervious to harm and through the sun shiny atmosphere you soar
Today it is so clear, and you find yourself totally removed from fear
Only joy is in the air
Yes that's the type of day I've had
And this time even life wont bring me down
Today I'm feeling pretty good

Me Is Okay

I've wondered down the long road that is the journey of my life
Turning off at the wrong exits with signs that lead to more distractions
Signs that say, this should be the love of your life
This should be the career path you choose
These are the friendships you should make
These are the friendships you should loose
These are the things you should stress about, worry about, cry about, laugh about, get angry and mad about
Following directions on billboard signs trying to find the life they advertise
Reading the propaganda of all the things that I should be when never considering I am already on the right path made from all the things I’ve experienced thus far
All the mistakes and pains and choices I should have learned from
I ignored them to continue looking for what the road signs of my life tell me I should be
Looking for what I've been taught... what I believe should be the me I aspire to be
But something in me has changed
Something in me has arisen
I've hit a roadblock
Crashed and burned for the last time
And as I sit here burning in the fire I realise I am still alive
A phoenix born out of its own devastation
A new creation and now I see much more clearly
Now I realise I don’t have to worry
Things may be said about me, some truths some lies, but I’m alright
I have made some mistakes but I’m alright
I've been misguided by myself and others but I’m alright
I've hurt myself and others too but I’m alright
I've been stomped on and defeated at times but I’m alright
The person I am
The person I’ve become
Through all the good and bad I’ve done
The me that stands here now today
This being is more than anything can say
I realise everything that encompasses me with all its complexities is what makes me the perfect being I am
I will walk forward embracing my scars as the marks of someone who has survived
I will take each step of achievement as something that I worked hard for and believed in
I won’t sweat the little things and I won’t let the big ones overpower me
No longer will I feel that what I am is not enough
No longer will the exits and detours and distractions on this road fool me into believing that I’m not meant to be who I am
This road holds all the things that made me and many new things that will create more wonderful experiences to add to the evolution of me
This road carries someone that is fantastically beautiful just the way they are
So I’m going to release all the things that made me feel that being someone else would be better
Let the tears of confusion and disillusionment escape me and cleanse my soul of the things that once blinded me
Release the self made shackles of my former beliefs and look at the shell that has always been there and accept the wonderful truth that the universe has revealed
I'm going to empower myself to move forward and no one... not even myself will steer me wrong again
Cause now I can look at my reflection and say
Me... is okay

Chocolate Brownies

Hmmm
I’m eating a brownie – but not just any brownie

That dark chocolate mmm, you look so good to touch, can’t wait to put you in my mouth
The perfect combination of chewy and cakelike, melt on my fingers but come of when I lick them, deliciously divine
A hybrid brownie
Make me want to take forever to make this feeling last, but I don’t stress
No matter how slow or fast you melt in my mouth, move on my tongue
I know what this buttery-sweet-chocolate-creation has in store
A feeling that could last a few hours or more, if I got my balance of chocolate just right
It’ll hit in a while, probably around an hour
Than I’ll be swimming in seas of chocolate

The taste of the brownie, the timing of the chew, the deliciousness of the moment at the time it was devoured
Was only a precursor to what is now coming on as I sit here typing, writing, slowly, I’m climbing
Higher into the sky on chocolate wings, through chocolate clouds, on a chocolate high and I know this feeling will last for hours -- much longer than a small chocolate hit
A few puffs and it’s done… the flavors had its run
And yes the chocolate was good, but I need something a little more Hardcore!
So um up on this ooey gooey brownie tip
This is so good it seems to last so much longer than the seconds and minutes and hours that we use to describe the human limitations of time
Cause time almost comes to a stop when this brownie hits my mouth

These brownies are special, they can do wondrous things
Like Jasmine and Aladdin you’ll be flying on magic carpet, Jeanie in the bottle, high in the sky give me three wishes if I rub you right dreams

One -- take over my mind, open it so that it can be free to swim across the rivers of new and creative ideas
Two -- take me higher and higher and higher, and make it last longer than a regular roll up and smoke it chocolate explosion
Three -- let others experience the joys of what special brownies can bring
More than red and white, falling down the chimney, you need to loose some weight, put the gifts under the tree, eat the cookies fairytale dreams, back up the chimney and leave

Mmmm I guess I blended just right
Cause damn I’m feeling real good, real nice, ready to take…
My mind on a spiritual ride… I bet you thought I’d say ready to take flight
But why take flight--Damn! I’m already soaring high
And there’s no signs of coming down soon…
Man at this rate I’ll hit the sun, the moon, have jager bombs with the stars at night
Take shots with rays on beams of sunlight
Right now I am invincible,
Or at least it sounds good to say it, out loud
But whatever, who cares, I’m done, it’s time to stop
Especially because I’m running out of halfway decent, good but not really,
Awkward sounding, okayish, kind of, sorta, maybe they're rhymes
Inspiration has come to the end
My pseudo-genius has up and died
Like a pie I’m so baked
I’m on a chocolate brownie high

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Saved

I live, I breathe, I feel, but can not heal
I have faith but no belief, hope clouded in despair
I have strength though my body is limp
I see light though I live in a tunnel of darkness
I write to inspire but it's really just an outlet
I sing cause I'm happy though really to stop myself from crying
I wear a warming smile though my soul is continuously frowning
Yes everything has changed since the lord found me
I've been re-birthed, renewed, rescued, resurrected from my sinly grave
Praise the lord, hallelujah, Amen, finally I am free
Then why do I still feel the same

Freedoms Song

I'm in a place that I can’t escape
Even though I hold the key to open the door, as I step through I just find myself in another space-- the same as the space I’m trying to escape
But just across the room, I see another door—and yes the key unlocks it
So through I go expecting something more, something new, something... My heart drops to the floor as my eyes behold a room identical to the room before
So again I turn the key, yearning to be free
But find myself, yet again, in another duplicate chamber

This space I must escape grows with each key turn, each progression that I make
Chambers upon chambers, a maze within a maze
And everything about this space that I try to leave behind
Grows with each new room and my despair is multiplied
And though I’m sinking into a well of saturated madness
And though I know each door will only bring me more dread
Though my logic tells me to throw away the key… I can’t ‘cause I know out there freedom is calling to me
It's singing my name in a key so sweet
A never ending song pulling me along
I must reach it, I know it's behind the next door
But alas… here I am… in the same chamber... once more

There is no escape from this place
There will be no release
But the song keeps getting louder saying “come to me, come to me”
Over voices saying go left and voices saying right
Voices saying do this and others saying not tonight
A crowd of people influencing me, pulling me this way and that
I must break free from the noise, freedom lies behind this door next
But in this next space I sink deeper into the maze

But freedoms song is still calling, that one lone voice above the crowd
It’s so loud I must press on, must continue, can not give up, must run, must run
Must go through this door, must navigate this maze
God why wont this crowd shut up
It's way too loud, I cant hear myself
Can’t find my position, got lost in the space
I must escape--Must escape--Must Escape--Must Escape!
I know if I find the room from which freedom sends its call
My voice will be found and that room will be the last of them all
I will open every door, will continue, will press on

I will not let this maze defeat me, now a new voice says I’m crazy
But I’m not… I'm determined, determined, oh god, make it stop, I cant get out, I cant get out this door has to be the one,
Why does this room look the same?
What’s wrong with this key?
This space is so familiar--the walls, the paint, the smell, the sound--I'm going in circles my voice will never be found
Still the torturous song of freedom continues on so loud

It's laughing at me, mocking me, enjoying my pain, my frustration--the agonizing torment of falling for the same trick over and over again
Well, keep singing your jesting tune
I’ll prove you wrong, I'll win, I'll win, I'll find myself in the next room
Trust me you’ll see… No longer will your melody haunt and mock me
‘Cause this time it will be different
This time I will take my time… open it slowly, slowly, slowly just a bit
I’ll do it much, much slower, than I did before, and take a peek--just a slight glance, in the crack of the door
That's all I’ll need 

Just a glimpse

Nothing more
Maybe I’ll catch the song before it leaves the room
Maybe freedom’s trying to tell me I'm to hasty, move too soon

So I take a peek inside and I cant believe my eyes,
I shut the door… 

Throw the key cross the room… 

Sit in the middle break down and cry
I had just witnessed myself, peeking out the next door, across the room, from behind
I now know why I can’t escape this space
I'm trapped inside my own mind

Emotional

Emotionally drained and filled with emotions
Emotionally exhausted
Emotionally driven
Flooded with emotions
Consumed with emotions
Hiding emotions
And sharing emotions
Emotional Decisions
Emotionally overcome
An emotional creature am I

Journey With Me

Lets travel through time
Journey through space
Take a ride through the ins and outs and in-betweens of what it means to be an us,
A you and me,
A unit of creation that defies all explanation
A conundrum of all the good and bad, the ugly and breathtakingly sublime yet disturbing, up and down yet all around but somehow still grounded... yes--still grounded cause we are together
Joined by something, united by fate... nah it's more than that it's a divine accident
That's what makes it special that it came unexpected
That it just fell into place on it's own unassisted
If the best things in life a total mistakes then we must be a catastrophe
You and me, man we are so... you know... and it's just... like, ah huh, you know what I mean
That thing I don't need to say,
It's internal and physical, and mentally unbelievable the levels in which we connect... join, bond, gel, meld, inseparable, unmeasurable
If one plus one is two, then you plus me equals us, equals we,
We may be a two but our math adds up to one
We defy all the love poems all the beautiful sonnets
No words in any language can describe the amazing power that flows between us
The electricity that sparks every time that we touch
The desire and want for each other as we move in the art of passionate, erotic, hypnotic, exotic, intoxicating, explosive, dynamic, love making
Whether naked or clothed, god I hope you never let go
Hold on to me, feel my heart beat in sync with yours
Cry my tears and I yours
Feel my pain feel my joy,
Massage my heart in your hands and I'll fertilise your love with my love, reinforce it with all that I am
Hold nothing back
Give each other all our trust,
Go into this journey not without fear but with a courage that will help us conquer anything

Dry each other's tears of sorrow and fertilise our hopes and dreams and everything with tears of joy and watch them grow through the years and blossom into trees, that grow a fruit organically designed and enriched with all our pain--our hurts and shames and happiness and sunny days so that we may eat it all and let what we've shared together enhance what we will experience in the future

Put your hand in mines and I'll put mines in yours and let us go forth into the unknown with nothing but our love for each other to guide us
Let us drown in the river of all the things that love can bring and not be afraid when it seems that we might take our last breath,
Cause we know that our bond is strong,
Our hope will bring us floating to the surface for air no matter how far we may sink cause we are blind to how bad things may get
Love has given us the strength to move mountains
Get out of the way world--nothing can stop us with our weapons of mass destruction we'll crush all obstacles in our way
Slice the thorns of prejudice with our sword of companionship
Kill the hindrance of jealous people with our poisonous darts of hope
Stab the evil of haters with our daggers of faith for what we have they will try to tear apart
But no one can destroy this love, more than heavenly ordained, more infectious than the sins any demon can create
And when our time is done, our love will still live on for eternity even beyond the grave cause our souls are so strong they will never let go
Yeah, I'm gloating, but I know there's others out there who know the joy of looking into someones eyes
Over and over and continuously being surprised by what you see
That's how they've got me
I'm forever looking at love like its the first time

I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder why I try
To be more than what I am
To be better than what I seem to be
When the entire world keeps saying you should be happy with who you are
If that's the case how than will I progress and move on
Farther into life
If I'm okay here, I'll have no drive, no need or any care to become a better man
Because the man that I am will be just fine
I'll have no need to fight, to grow higher in humanity
So I'll just sit here going no where
Not doing my part to better the world I live in
Because I'm content
I'm jus fine, where I am
So I'll be happy going nowhere
Being nothing
Just wasted space
Sometimes I wonder why I try

Steeped

I hear the whistling and know it’s ready
I pour the water into my favorite mug—the one that says 'another cup of weed please'
Dip in two bags of caffeinated tea and watch the effects
The color slowly changes in beautiful swirls with each dip
The longer I go through this process the strength of the mix will increase
The darker the water signifies more flavor and as I smell the aroma of this wonderful infusion I know that something divine has been created
This teabag, this tea, this entire operation reminds me of life—more accurately myself

I go through life mad at the downs
Having hallucinations of being attacked, possessed by satan—singing gospel tunes to keep him at bay and extinguish the room’s rising heat
I fight against visions of murder and the joy I would feel looking at the pools of blood beneath my bare feet—how the blood would electrify through my soles and breathe in me like life
I think about how I’m almost at my prime with no children, no education… nothing to show for myself except the dreams lost, hopes shattered and the rubble left behind in their wake
How I am stuck in a maze clouded by my hate of who I am, the dislike of my lot in life, and the struggles only I seem to have
Going through this thought process makes me angry and takes me further into my depressed world
A realm where spontaneous crying will make me certifiable
Where my cheery disposition is only a form of hiding—hiding from the world I don’t wish to be in
I’m suicidal not in denial—just pretending to be because aren’t you supposed to deny when you’re crazy

Why am I inflicted with nightmares of the violating kind—both physical and of the mind
Nightmares of being chased by enemies out of sight but never out of mind
I look in the mirror and I’m repelled by me
During self-analysis I’m repulsed by me
If I had the nerve to kill myself Id try but I’m too crazy 

Too paranoid to follow through with my mind
I flit in from mass murder to suicide in incoherent verse and hope that the poetic minds will read between the lines and make my lines rhyme
But I can’t deny the fear that rises each time I write and hope that my lack of confidence will be overrun by subliminal genius
And now comes the time to bring this back to the steeping of tea that is me

After all that’s been said now it must reconnect to the beauty of the infusion carefully at the beginning explained
My turmoil is the hot water, me the bag, and the entire process is life
On first glance I’m just leaves trapped in a bag but on second I am the seeds of creation
I can only become beautiful once put through the hot water
The more I’m tested the better the flavor and I will become stronger
It’s clear that my trials are designed to make me grow

So as life steeps me and I swirl through its hot water of tribulation, I should be thrilled with the revelation that I am a teabag
Beautiful and unique
That my qualities will be released with the trials the universe sets me and I will be a better creation
But soon all the bags flavor will be sucked out as the stirring spoon presses it against the side of the mug—another cup of weed please
The bag will be thrown away and the mixture will be drunk
Or maybe it will be left to steep a little while longer, the heat subsided, the mixture chilled to become cold as ice
Either way all my turmoil will be digested, grown inside and a new depressed me begun

A normal person will look at their bag and see the necessity of being steeped
But in the end more bags will be created
Each bringing forth the beginning of soon to be saturated torment
Yes a normal person would see, but normal I’ve never claimed to be
I’d rather be destroyed than steeped

War

Some days I just want to bash my head against the wall until I bleed out and die--drowning in a pool of red after I collapse
But the smell of my liquid revives me, so I live on, breathe on,
Life wants me to live and stumble into insanity
I can not decide if I stay or go
Life is in controll.

Statement

If home is where the heart is, and my soul with in me lies... Then during the day I am nothing but a heartless soul

Dream

I closed my eyes and dreamed my entire life had changed. All my hopes and dreams and wildest fantasies were true. I had everything I needed and all worries had been destroyed. I thought at last, finally, heaven has found me... and just when I felt it was too good to be true I suddenly realised that this dream was void of you. So I openned my eyes.

The Power Of Love

Miscommunication
Lost in translation
I don't know what happened
I can't explain it
All I know is you're gone... just gone
And I know somehow it's my fault that we are no more
Our line has been disconnected, our time is over and done
With a simple phrase you decided to terminate, destroy, obliterate the music that is... was us
How could I have been so stupid to have said...
I cant remember... what it took to make you say enough is enough but I fear this time it will be for good
You wont come back like you usually would

I'm a fool, undateable, destructive, combustive
Happiness glows and prospers only to explode in my presence
Love grows and blossoms only for me to pluck it out at its roots
My world turns black as I envision life without you
I need you more than words can comprehend

As I sit on the beach and listen to the waves moving against the reefs I don't find solace in nature

Why wont they call me?

Why is my message box still empty?
Don't they now my life is incomplete without them?
That my world doesn't exist without them here to love me, hold me, comfort me
How could they leave me alone
Sitting,
Waiting,
Knowing what it would do to me-- don't they care at all?
Was what we had a lie? 

As the tears begin to fall I rest my phone on a nearby rock, pull my knees into my chest and let the waves of emotion wash over and drown me to the symphony of the ocean crashing upon the shore

I rock back and forth with the sound and let the tears drop as my body seems to be lifted and transported to a place of clarity
A place where all emotions go when they need a place to hide and call home
Where they can grow into a solid idea that takes you to a plain you never thought possible, that can hold more pain than you can store and transform it into something that even a child can comprehend
I now have a vision and with this thought I pick up my phone and begin to type
After my last word is written I send it knowing I am still temporarily blocked--they wont immediately receive it.

I remove one shoe

I think of the smiles we shared... how just thinking of you warmed my heart

That funny noise you made when eating
The way you laughed at my jokes especially the bad ones

I remove my other shoe

I think of the conversations we had

How you engaged my mind, made me a better man
Helped me learn myself better as I grew together with you
How in your eyes I knew I'd only find the truth

I removed my shirt

I remember how my being bipolar wasn't an issue

How you kept me grounded when by depression I was surrounded
Knew when to ignore me from when to deal with my moods--that were usually dark yet still you gave me your heart
All of you was mine as we travelled through the years together
I released myself bare
To you I was naked
My soul in its most vulnerable and purist form and though psychologically damaged you supported me through it all
You took my cold heart in your hands and massaged it back to warmth

I remove my pants

Your hand in mine kept me firm in reality

Being in your arms was all that I needed to survive, to thrive, to make me value life--and even though you knew how low I was on the inside you persisted in giving me your strength, saving none for yourself
In a sea fraught with peril you were my lighthouse... my rescue... my saviour... my help

I remove my boxers

I never knew how great love could be till you

Never trusted anyone with my secrets but you
Never dreamed I'd reveal my inner demons... my perceptions, evil visions, delusions that seem so real
Never dreamed I'd give the darkness inside me, all that I am and let my tears be cried in your eyes... my heartache held in your pulse
I became more than me
I was transformed into a better being
I became something much greater, from a me to an us... by your power of love lifted from the depths of the deepest well to swim in waters melded with my tears of pain and yours of hopes and dreams
I could never thank you, repay you, or appreciate enough what you've done for me

I place my watch by my phone

I think of how hard it must've been to survive so long with someone as depressed as me

To live in the dark caresses of my mind and survive
To keep me afloat when I'd rather have died
To not be destroyed by a misplaced word
God some things I done, I said, how could I have been so stupid
And now when I need you most you're not here to save me
Our wireless confrontation has left us with incomplete information, now lost forever because you have severed the connection
Cut me loose with one phrase, "I can't do this anymore," and left me screaming, "Hello," at the dial tone
The warm salty air against my body takes me to that place again, where all emotions go

I place my folded clothes and shoes beside my watch and phone ignoring the light saying a message has been received

With each breath I take a step--feeling the sand on my feet... soft and soothing moving between my toes

With each tear I inch closer to the waters start--each drop drowning further the sadness of my heart
The water is warm and soothing to my skin, encouraging me to continue--so further I walk in
To my knees, then my waist, then up to my chest, then into the deep I swim to where I can not stand
The sky is so blue and the water so smooth
The beach seems so small compared to when I was there
I breathe the warm air and smell of the sea and think of the last words he said to me, "I can't do this anymore," and realise I cant do this to him
Bring so much pain
Shower their joy with my rain
Force him to live in the shadows that encompass me and expect it not to weigh him down to the ground--to drown in my soul with hopes that one day he'll be enough to make me whole
Each day that he strives to heal my life slowly and surely who they are is dying
Our love is stronger than all of creation
Our love defies all rules of nature
But at what cost comes my survival?
Is another persons life for mine a worthy sacrifice?

As I wade in the ocean further out into the deep I question how much their love means to me... and how I would destroy him as he gives for me, to survive

He gave everything for love and as more tears flood my eyes I realise that for love, 

for them to live, 

for him, 

I would die

So I submerge and enter the dark

Wind

Today I am a lost howl on the wind

The wind and I sound the same so you think I am part of the wind and not human,
So my cries are heard, appreciated, but unanswered,
Mistaken for the music of nature,
Leaving me unsaved and still hurt

Mine

I see with my soul what my eyes can't identify
I hear with my aura sounds to complex for my ears
I feel with my heart what my hands can never touch

I envision with my mind... No-this truth is mine... I'll keep it inside

Escapeless

I went through the light at the end of the tunnel now I'm in barren wasteland.
Light and dark afford me the same comfort... Misery in different forms

I'm Not A Black Author

Okay.  You're probably looking at the title, then looking at me and thinking, 'okay where is this idiot going with this'.  Well if you made it this far you're already three sentences in so you're doing better than most.  Now as a black author I come up against a whole bunch of annoying, stupid, and just unnecessary stereotypes.  I get told what type of pen name I should use, what style I should write in, what poems I should write.  The list is endless of all the things I should be because I'm black.  Add in my sexuality and now I've got even more things that I should be, but that's not for this blog.  The problem that I have with all these barriers that are being put on me as a writer is that they all come from black people.  Yes I said it.  My own race is trying to shove their blackness down my throat and force me to write the same crap they all are writing.  Not that I have a problem with that.  But there is only so much drama, drugs, sex, church, gangsta street life, church, sex, drama, gansta street life, drugs.... did i mention drugs, drama, sex, church and Gangsta street life.  I've basically had enough of being told what is black and what is not.

I write lots of poems, some about love, some about suicide, some about life, and others purely for entertainment.  I'm forever being asked, only by black people, to write some erotic poetry.  I roll my eyes at this.  Not that I dont have steamy poems, I do.  But even my steam is written in the same lyrical style as my suicide pieces.  It isn't raunchy for the sake of being hardcore and sticking to my blackness.  I guess I've just reached a point where I just get so tired of hearing my people do poems, about sex, drugs, crime and the like. There are other things in life to write about.  And don't try to shove your black agenda down my throat and get mad when I choke and spew my obvious indifference to your comments all over you.

Same goes for my novels.  As the repeated list above states.  I have been told by many a black reader that my books either dont have enough sex scenes, or dont have long enough sex scenes.  Either way there isn't enough of them.  And my first book has been getting less and less sex scenes in it with each rewrite.  You may ask why, because to me it still read to much like 'those' type of books.  I set out to write a book that had sex, had a gritty urban feel, but also managed to have a actual plot with characters who started out at point A and ended up at point B.  It is by far my worst attempt but you live you learn and I'm on to book five.  I'm well aware that the tone of the books reads somewhat like erotica, but it's a conscious effort.  When you sit down and chat with your friends there are certain things we all say that readers can immediately relate to because their real life conversations are like that.  But I go out of my way to make most of my characters mixed race, have no church at all if I can avoid it, and limit the sex... and make sure that sometimes the things that happen when they're naked are so distracting the fact that they are fucking kinda gets lost in either the humor or the emotion.

Sadly, doing this, and trying my best with each book to infuse more plot and less albiet more descriptive steam, makes me not black enough.  I need to write books on the lines of 'my husbands mistress' or 'sisters from the hood' or 'we still gangsta' to be black.  I need more sex, more cursing, shitloads more drama that does nothing but make the book as useless as a soap opera.  And somehow find a way to infuse more church into my book.  I need more ghetto slang which I have none of.  Basically I need more stereotypical black stuff.   The same for my poems.  They're too dark, too depressing, too real, too deep, too truthful.  Why cant you just write about sex.  What the fuck for?  All the rest of you are doing it.

The real problem I have with this is that writing like this perpetuates the same things we are supposed to be fighting against.  How can we tell other races that we aren't all ganstas, and drug dealers, and thugs, if all of our material displays a hyper sensitive version of all these things.  If I was a white man who had never seen a black person and all I had were these books and movies um, yeah... looks like hoodrats, gangstas, and ghetto chicks to me.

So who else do we have to blame if when we are in the position to write and produce things for the world all we seem to produce is the same stereotypes we are trying to bring down.  This is precisely why I dont watch certain movies, Tyler Perry comes to mind.  Because they are capitalizing off of the worst of one culture and hyper extending it beyond what it even is in its true form, and we the black people go and watch it.  And as one of my friends would say, watching and reading these types of books is misleading because most black people don't act like that, though admittedly a lot of them do think like that which is why they find such movies hilarious.

So yeah.  I want my books to be just borderlining real plot and the free conversational and humorous style of the black erotica type novels.  Why... because I can get some good humor out of it, some sex, and a serious plot line.   So the books wont be serious reading.  On the other hand they wont fall directly into the black author niche either.  I want them to read it but I also want people who don't read that stuff to read it and not become overwhelmed.  So when you say I'm not a black author, that my shit aint ghetto enough.  That my erotica isn't quite potent enough and my poems just aren't streetwise enough.  I say you know what... I am black.  So by default everything I do is black.  So if you've got a problem with what I write, than keep your agenda to yourself and fuck off.

I'm not a black author, I'm an author who just happens to be black.  And I refuse to let my race define my art and if you dont like it, I just don't give a fuck.

I Didn't

I didn't want to be here again
I didn't want to feel these feelings again
I didn't want to fall into this place
I didn't want to share my life, my space
I didn't want to have you in my arms
I didn't want to feel the warmth of your touch
I didn't want the feel the softness of your skin, to feel you breathe, and moving in sync with me

I didn't want my body to meld with yours
I didn't want our two parts to form something whole
I didn't want to let down my guard
I didn't want to feel the warmth in my heart
I didn't want to feel so joined with someone I wished we'd never part
I didn't want to feel so lost in you,  to drown in your soul, to give you my all

I didn't want someone to make me want to live again
I didn't want someone to become more than just friends with
I didn't want to feel the hurt and pain
I didn't want all the excitement this connection can bring
I didn't want to again feel the need to let go, of everything,
To become so vulnerable, and free
And ready to experience all that love can bring
I thought I had shut that down, destroyed it, forever, but now, you are here
And I'm drowning in my fears in a world full of things that only brought me pain
But now I'm head deep and lost in your soul there is no escape,
You have me,
I'm yours

I didn't want to say I love you again
I didn't want to hear someone say it back again
I didn't want to give up my trust and put it in your hands
But as I hear you say those words to me, my heart smiles and beats so harmoniously, with yours
I'm glad I got everything I didn't want again

L-O-S-E-R

You ask me to spell my name and instantly I reply
My name is spelled, l-o, s-e-r, a-m-I
Usually I cant spell to well
But unfortunately this time I got it right
I'm just a particle of sand in this land
A lone leaf falling from a tree
A discarded item once needed now forgotten

I am without a friend to be mine
A friend to travel through the realms of time, together
I'm not wanted no mater how hard I try to be that which another would want to be theirs
I'm broken and no one cares to fix me
Desperately seeking someone to complete me
But I'm not important enough to love
Or so it seems
Because... if I was... than I wouldn't be-
-Here, so distraught
Here so lost
Here feeling like I am nothing, something less than nothing,
I am tears that fall unseen
I am broken hopes and neglected dreams
I am everything that could've been great but was not good enough to make the cut
So I got tossed to the side and carelessly dropped
And now my pieces are put together all wrong so when you look at me you just see something misshapen, not human, an unidentifiable being
When you look at me,  that's all you see
So how then can I see myself as more than, better than, other than, different from, I'm not really sure because what I could be, I forgot
I just know what it is that I have become
I'd spell it out for you but that's already been done
Worthless, useless, a waste of space, a disgrace to the human race, with no hope of escape, so I must sit here and endure the pain of knowing
That in the eyes of the world I am just mud to be trodden upon
An inkblot on the canvas of humanity
Sometimes I wonder why someone doesn't just extinguish, exterminate, disintegrate, obliterate my existence
The only conclusion is I'm here for their amusement
But that's okay
Over the years I've gotten used to it
For I live a loser's life

Why I Write

You ask me why I'm a writer, a poet an author and there are so many things I could say
I could say how I feel compelled to do my part
How each word I put on paper brings new inspiration
How I hope my words will stretch across the globe and sooth someones soul, let them know they are not alone
I could say how I'm driven by the complexity of words and sound in motion
How each sentence and phrase plays in the movie of my mind and paints such vivid pictures
How it's easy for me to cry when it's hidden in my words
How it helps me to cope with the harshness of the world
Allows me to be me without falling appart
Yes I could tell you a plethora of things to explain what comfort, for me, writing brings
But those are all the things you expect me to say
And although they are all true, they aren't the real reason
Truthfully, I write because I can.

Truth Discovered- written with Soulistic Poet

http://soulisticpoet.blogspot.com/

Breathing is something I do everyday

It comes naturally 

I do it subconsciously without even thinking--it just happens

But today... I dunno... breathing seems like a task

Every time I inhale it feels like I'm swallowing a thousand pins and a hundred needles

With every exhale it feels like I am releasing fire--It burns so badly

I thought about holding my breath, but the heat will leave me in ashes and the pins and needles will leave me bleeding

Bleeding from the inside out

Now my pain has gone beyond merely breathing and has become internalized and my whole body is affected

I feel like I have been injected with a poison that works so slow it will take a whole lifetime to destroy me

So I continue to breathe and question my existence wondering if this is all life should be

Wondering if everyone else has been injected, or is it just my life that has been poisoned 

I see the world walking by innocently, smiling, laughing, loving, hoping...feeling

Damn, am I the only one that's dying this slow and lonely death, or is everyone else hiding their truth behind their smiles

Smiles that they try to shove down my throats along with their religion and other beliefs

Trying to force me to be fake like they are hiding my pain and the harsh realities of life behind a veneer of sunshine

No... I don't think i'm alone

I'm just real, true, honest and not ashamed to admit how I hurt I am and how sometimes, alone, I cry

The more I think about it, the more it occurs to me, that there is no one on this planet who is as brave as me

I face the truth of my poison without pretending it doesn't hurt

I look depression in the eye, as dark as it is, and remind it that I'm the only fearless one left

Unlike the rest I will not pretend you don't exist

I will embrace that battle before me and go in knowing that it may be my last fight

I will fight

I can not and will not hide behind the falsity, the blasphemy of denying life and all of its harsh realities that attack me both by day and night

I am stronger than you and when life rages war against the world you will be amongst the first to be destroyed and I will trample on your remains

Then take your crumbled remains and lace my weed with it

Roll a blunt so big it would make Bob Marley jealous.

I will light your ass on fire 

Inhale the shame you tried to make me feel and exhale a smoke of "fuck you."

No more than that, a ‘fuck you right up the ass’ of the depression you tried to make me feel was of my own doing

Yah karma just came back to haunt you in the form of me and now you’ve been smoked and I'm getting high of my victory 

You thought you had me but your ashes are now my satisfaction 

I'm on top now biotch!

I exhale again

Letting out the tears my fucking eyes wouldn't allow me to cry,

Exhaling the physical pain I felt each time you showed up with your best friend anxiety.

I blow out the memories, flashbacks, and dreams you haunted me with at night

I cant believe I ever trusted you or even believed your lies

You tried to make me feel that because I faced my pain and allowed myself to be truly enveloped in all that was me, that i was nothing, less than nothing, not even anything

And I believed it all because I thought you had my best interest at heart 

But with each inhale of your defeat I find more clarity and maybe even peace but for now... I will put my mind as ease, 

By fighting my lesser demons, 

I will build my strength up for the end of the war

I will practice my round kicks in the face of betrayal and mistrust.

I will give ungrateful Love two upper cuts and blade to the chest, piercing its heart, 

The same way that it pierced through mine.

And with my long sword I shall remove the arms of false security that you used to bind me instead of comfort and console me

Then with my hidden poisoned darts I will shoot your feet so you will never walk over another persons soul like you did to me

Your mouth, a straight jab then I'll pull out your tongue so you can no longer spew the disintegrating acid you call love, oh but dont get exciterd 

There's much much more to come

For I have become a fucking assassin, 

I am full loaded, 4 m-16, 3 riffles and 2 45's. 

I am on a mission, to torture, murder and destroy the false hopes of friendship and family you gave me

I am determined to prove I can survive this thing called life on my own, fuck what you heard this man is an island

And I’m on fire and now nothing can stop me

Nothing is safe from me, 

You made me this way 

Into this perfect killing machine

By filling me with all your negative, destructive, loveless, rotten and molten destruction

But you did not succeed, 

I'm still standing here, 

I'm still alive, strong and breathing and I will find the truths in life because although all you did was lie I've learned that it is still out there 

It's just not in you to find

So I will seek this truth relentlessly, 

Fight your lies tenaciously

Shoot my truth finding bullets endlessly.

For I have fallen for your lies for way too long 

And I've given you power because I became too lazy to give a fuck.

But now that I've accepted your presence, no longer deny your existence, I will not just give a fuck, but I will do so murderously.

I will strike hard with alarming accuracy 

And I will never fail to hit my target and will leave you behind in the same cloud of doubt misery and untruths and lies you threw at me

You are now the only one left standing underneath the rain of the hate cloud you tried to put over me 

But I have now become waterproof in my rain-suit of finding truth

And as i use all that you taught me to pave away into the light 

I will not fear the dark, 

I will embrace the fight and thank you for all the shit you done to me 

Cause if you weren't so fucked up than this new super and awesome being I have become would not be
Your fucking me over only gave the me the power to fuck you up

So you can blame yourself for the creation of your own demise 

See in the end I will just look you in the eyes, spit my new found truth in you face, let it burn like acid and end your miserable existence

No longer will I inhale blades and exhale fire 

No longer will others have to pretend you aren't real

No more fighting my life away, 

For there will come a day when the truth will set me free...

Leaving me ready willing and able... 

Death is your destiny and murder is my mission

So with one last breath inhale your blunt of lies and exhale a smoke truth.

Today Something In Me Died

Today something in me died

It was that part of me that wanted to believe in life
Though it could never quite convince itself that it was true
And now, even pretending, it can no longer do

Today something in me died

A hope that was never quite there but still a part of me
Something that yearned to believe its existence was worth being
But with a wave of its hand life swatted it out, and now... it is no more

Today something in me died

That piece of the puzzle that didn't quite fit
It held a bit of happiness amidst all the hurt and pain and rain
The ray of sunshine cracking through the clouds but now that piece is missing

Today something in me died

A song that tried to impress itself on my mind
Work its way through the noise and voices of anger and hate to break away and be free
But now its song has been swallowed up--by the noise--destroyed

Today something in me died

My soul... the voice that completed me and found all those things I mentioned previously when I was too far gone to find them
It kept me alive when times got to much and the waves of emotions threatened to devour me and plunge me into the bottomless pit of insanity
Now without it, what am I, but incomplete

Today something in me died

And it's not coming back...
It's lost and now I am left here... just blood and bones in a shell of something that used to be human
It was extinguished like the blowing out of a candle and where there once was light now there is only black

Today something in me died

It used to keep me warm, keep me moving, keep me in synch
I could feel it in my chest, pulsing through my body,
Cool, smooth, yet also electrifying
But where there once was a beat there is now a dead space
I shout my name and it comes back to me
Echoing in the hollowness of where my life source used to be--now empty
Where warmth once lived there is now a frosty cave and I fear that it will never again be the same, because cold ice liquid now flows through my veins
I... have been... forever changed, because

Today something in me died

Hopeless

I dont feel like being alive today
I'm not sure what else I should  say
I could explain why
But why?
I could say I'm suicidal but I already expressed I dont want to be alive so why say it twice
I could say that being human is a curse, but then people would start to worry and comment on how things will get better
It's just that I try to do my best
Do all I can to be a good man and be fair in most things
Do I stumble and fall... yes, but I try not to let it get the best of me
I feel like I'm constantly battling life and life is always wining
I'm loosing a piece of my soul with each step
I breathe in the breath of someone who is forced to fight a loosing battle
I'm so tired of getting nowhere and doing everything to be somewhere
Walking the same spot
Underneath a rain cloud that only pours on me
Everything seems to happen to everyone else
But here I am under this cloud, soaked to the bone
Freezing and cold and all alone in a world that has no place for me
A world that constantly takes things from me and doesn't give back
A world that is selfish and asks me to sacrifice my soul only for it to throw me further into my hole of depression
A world that just doesn't want me
So yeah fuck life today
And fuck the world
I don't care what they think or how they feel
Today i'm being honest with myself
I'm being real
And I've had one of those God's fucked me up the ass again today days
And when I screamed he said shut the fuck up bitch and take it like a man
Yeah that's the kind of fucked up day I've had
And how was your day today

Absence of I

Me myself and....
No we mustn't say it
That word must remain hidden
That letter stricken from our memory
Because we, together, can be an us so clever, and do it all with out ever having to mention him
For we are strong, funny, rude and unique
Sometimes a little depressed but when we are at our best we can bless the world with words of interest that can sooth the soul and make the most saddest of hears realise it's not alone and find hope
Hope in our words and inspiration in the verses that we create
The emotions that evoke out of us are motivational, sensational, confrontational and good conversational works of art
And as a friend we may not be perfect but we do the best we can
Putting our friend's hearts before our own at times
Committing selfless acts of kindness that need no payment in return
Because that's what friends are foor
To give for the sake of giving and friendship being the only payment needed
Yup we can do without that other guy,  yup its just you and.... oh he almost slipped in there again
So lets just say me and you instead
Swimming in the seas of our depressive head
A unit of imperfect harmony
Sometimes up sometimes down
And often mad at the world and smiling when we would rather wear a frown
And other days just mad at the world and cursing our existence
You know even writing this.... oh man there it was but it was caught just in time
You see what was supposed to come out was that even poetry depresses us at times
But through the storms, and rain, our lives has been raised
Survival has found us even through the most devastating trials
Happiness still aludes us, sanity too
But that's okay as long as you got me and.... um me got you
Another lucky save that was but yeah we don't need nobody but us
And inside ourselves we will find a love that breathes in the words that we write
An anger that is never hard to find
And every now and then
Through they hazy mist of our existence
Love breaks through, and heart can be seen
So fight on we must
Live on we will
Travel through the seas of life on a ship built by our own hands
And even if we crash we know will get back on track
Because we are invincible
Me myself and.... shhhhhh don't say it
He knows who he is.

Stubborn Heart

I've put my heart in a bottle and wrapped it in hate
I saw no point in sending you something special
In any case all I have is myself
Just an unworthy man, who knows your far beyond his reach, out of his league
But my heart it beats for you
It bleeds your tears when you cry,
It breaks when your heart aches and feels the pain that lies deep down in your soul
All it wishes is to make you whole, but to you I am glass
You only see whats behind me and don't know how my heart yearns to beat in synch with yours
How it is connected to your being
It can not see a world with me that doesn't include you
It cries out for you buy day and night
Each beat sings your name
It brings you into my dreams--the only place where your heart and it can meet
I try my best to tear it away from you
Replace you, destroy all memory of you,
But the more I fight my heart the more it insists that I'm nothing if you and I are appart
It wont accept that you dont want me
No matter how painfully obvious it is or how lonely and depressed it makes me to yearn for that which I can't have
If only I could reroute my hearts path
Why is it refusing to listen to me
It's mine
I should control it
Why cant I stop it from wanting you
Why do I cry at night at the thought of you... knowing that you see right through me
Dont even give more then a 'hi' and a slight nod when we speak
The kind of noncommittal action you give a bum on the street
But it's enough for my hearts wings to flutter
To it you said hi on the winds of love
I just don't understand why I love you so much
This infatuation is taking over and ruining my life
I'm going crazy, cant think or eat right
My whole world revolves around what you're doing
Where you are, who you're dating now, and what it would be like if the person that received all your love were me
What it would be like if I was the friend who's shoulder you cried on when you had a broken heart
But I'm not that close to you
So I just watch you come and go as I sink deeper in my hole of lust for you
My heart has locked itself to the idea of having you
And there is no escape now
And I can no longer stand the pain
I have to kill the pounding in my chest
It's been too long since my heart spoke to me
It only has time for you,
I have been lost and forgotten
So I'm plucking out my heart and stuffing it in a bottle
Yeah how do you like it now
If you want her you can have her, and I'm stopping it air tight
I hope you die before reach her
And I'll grow a new heart that loves me and cares about my feelings
And I hope you die slow so you can feel the torment you've brought on me
How it feels to yearn for something that can never be
So for now I may be heartless
But my wounds will heal
And tonight for the first time
I'll sleep in silence