Cry Of the Unseen

I am what's right in front of you, that you can not see
The one standing beside you, lost in your shadow
If I got trampled on, damaged destroyed
You wouldn't even realise, take notice I was gone

You tell me things but expect no answers
Spread words of kindness but they get lost in the air
Nothing you say with a note of care reaches me
Cause in your minds eye I am nothing, just nothing

I am that tangible thing thrown aside
The one that you touch, interact with, live with, breathe with
And no mater how real or present I may seem--nothing you do is ever meant to affect me

You look down from above and see only the ground--look at me dead-on, and see what's behind...
Where I stand... I reach out... My hand... For you to hold,
But you cant ignore what you don't see so my hand is just left here floating, just floating
Not knowing that it's been neglected cause how can it be neglected when to you it was never seen

I'm the one you donate to, to show your good will
The one you say you help, the one for whom you feel
But each day we talk, and eat, together we laugh
Or you laugh and I.. What?  I guess I just pretend

You don't see that I hurt, am pulled down by your words
Your actions towards me, your lack of reaction to things I do to you
But I guess nothing has transpired, in fact I know this to be true
Cause you never see me though I can see you

I am the one that cries alone in the sunlight
The one that sees only dark in the middle of day
The one who's darkness is illuminated by one candle, slowly fading away to remind me of my solitude
I am here for you to pretend to notice, but what's my name, say my name, i know you don't know it
I'm just an empty space where a person should be
In your eyes I'm the one that ceases to be

The one you pass by in an empty hall
The one who's voice is never heard no matter how hard I call, I cry, I plea
I'm the one who's heart you claim to love
But how can you love what you don't see, what isn't there
How can you understand something you touch but never feel
Something you hold but cant identify as real
Something so solid, yet it slips through your fingers like water
A pillar so strong but you step through it as easy as a doorway

There is no way you can ever know what it is to truly see that which your soul refuses to acknowledge is even alive, human, a being of substance
Yes, yes,  I am all of these things, or maybe not cause your essence gives my presence no validity

So I am that black hole that is full of all the nothing that creates all the things that people refuse to see
I am the voice that cries so loud it gets lost on the waves of the selfish and the proud
I am the tears that flow into rivers that only I can drown in as you walk above as Christ
I am the pain of a thousand years that is caused by each time you stare and see nothing but the atmosphere
I am the soul lost in the universe of all the things you don't even know you threw away
I am the blood that stains from being trampled to death that fertilizes the soil that grows the flowers round your grave
I am the heart that beats out of synch because it's been damaged by your lack of observation--your lack of upkeep for a entity that is dying

You destroyed me simply by not knowing that I am
I'd wish you a thousand deaths but it would be futile
I'd curse you, I'd stab you, I'd murder you, murder you
But it would have no effect, you wouldn't feel a thing, how can something you don't recognize cause you any pain

So into the darkness, the shadows of night,
And burning into daytime, under harsh rays of sunlight,
Is where I shall always go, where I reside
For I am, I am, I am nothing... I am nothing,
I am the opposite of here even though I am here
For you are blind towards me
I am invisible

Sigh's End

I look to the heavens and pray but all I get is silence and blue skies… sigh

Birds fly by beautiful cloud formations
The smell of sea air entices my senses
Trees flow in the warm afternoon breeze
A wave of nature envelopes me with each breath
But all these garden variety notions of beauty are only devices in which the universe uses to taunt me
Just reminders of the fact that my life is out of my hands
Someone else directs my path
I can only hope mines and his agree
But somehow I must have hope, must believe
That my feet move because of me
That my fingers work because I will them too
But there are times I still rely on the divine
When I need something, want something, am lost, afraid, emotionally drained, at the end of all hope
I need to hear a voice
Send me a sign there’s still hope
Write a message on the wind and send it cross the sky
Ride on the stars of night, over the waters reflection of moonlight
Slide on the beams of the sun, rise and fall on the beating of a ravens wings
Plummet on balls of white in winter
Drop from the sky on pears of water in spring
Streak towards the earth on jagged bolts
A message twirling on a funnel of wind
With control over whether
Command of all creatures
The creator of time
The changer of seasons
You can do great things, you can do small
All I ask is just one thing, answer my call
You don’t have to say yes you don’t have to say no
Just respond, just say something, anything, hello?
I need you right now, I’m falling apart, I can’t take it no more
It's over, I'm done, finished, destroyed
Ready to loose it all
Give up my soul
Selling it for much less than its worth
But before I do this
Bring existence to end
I might not have to, you can help, you-can—you-can
Just one little favor, just one small request
Just talk to me, speak to me, answer me, save me, revive me, inspire me, excite me, enlighten me, care for me, care for me, oh-please—oh please care fore me
Show me this one time before I end this life
Just one word from you and this I won’t do
Wipe the tears from my eyes
Give me hope again, faith again, love again, strength again, be my friend please be my friend
Ahhhh be-quiet—be-quiet
The song of the birds is driving me crazy
The sound of the waves
The green of the trees' leaves blowing in the breeze
Are all just distractions the noise is to loud
Nature is too strong
I can’t hear a thing
But it doesn’t really matter
Each beautiful flower
Each ripened fruit
Each tree, each root
Not now as I wait, I wait, I cry,
My prayer was lost before it hit the air
I tried to send it to the sky but it just hovered then died
At least that's what I try to believe
Before I end my breath
As I wait for my answer to stop this disaster
I have to believe you still want me to be
Or at least that's what I'm telling myself
Though truly I don’t believe
I know it can’t be true
The one thing I asked you couldn't do
It's clear now what must be done

As I look to the heavens and pray but all I get is silence and blue skies… no more sighs

Love

I’m looking for something, searching, hunting
I need this, want it deserve it
Or maybe that’s the problem, that I don’t deserve it
But that can’t be, I’ve played by the rules
Done my part, been through the ups and downs, heartaches and pains
I’ve grown. . .  matured, I deserve it, hell I’ve earned it

So I’ll travel far and wide on a search to find what my life is missing
Under the beds and in my closets
Over mountains and through the valleys but still it eludes me, taunts me, refuses to make itself known
It defeats me so I give up, and then I see it
To my left, to my right, above and below, everywhere
I’ve been waking up each morning searching for something that’s within my reach
So I do just that and reach, but it moves away
I run after it but it runs faster
I cry out to it but it ignores me
I pray and plead but it passes me by
Yet it hears the calls of others

Everyday people walking up and down the street
It’s in their eyes, they way they hold hands, the warmth in the smiles shared
The connection of hearts that joins their all and releases the vulnerability of their souls into the arms of the one they trust to treat it like a treasure beyond the limitations of this world
But here I am, begging, groveling at the mercy of its feet
While it smiles and laughs at me
Refuses to answer me and sends me spiraling down into an insane world of loneliness and emptiness
Floating down a heartless river of my own tears on my raft of hope that one day I’ll be heard
That one day the emptiness of my soul will join the river of my tears and flow into an endless sea of possibilities
But each day I believe it less
Heartache becomes the equivalent of happiness and my raft of hope crashes amongst the reefs of despair and the broken shards chip away at my resolve
Forcing me to realize that alone is my world
Empty solitude is my realm

But still I search for it, though it laughs at me
Still I believe in it, though it denies me the chance to call someone mine
To belong to another
To feel something so great words can’t define it
A connection so strong it reaches from this world to the next
Where your minds, hearts, souls and bodies intertwine in a perfect symphony that just glows and inspires all within its range

I want that feeling
I’ve done all I was asked
I’ve made my mistakes, and tried to make things right
So why am I here crying out with all that I am year after year trying to ignore the signs
Trying to ignore the laughter by shouting my prayers louder

But the voice in my head won’t go away
It's saying you’ll never find your one and only someone
You’ll live your life missing out on the joining of your soul with another
Still I can’t believe it
Not after I worked so hard for it
I deserve it, hell I’ve earned it
I'd give my life to destroy the conclusion that destiny is pulling me too
That love has decided I’m not worthy.

Mind Travel

I have dived into the darkest crevices of my mind
Traveled into strange lands with objects I long lost--Stored away in hopes I can retrieve them when I need them most and swam into even darker places
With the most disturbing information that I hoped never to see again, things I'd hoped Id forgotten
They flooded back to me tormenting me with memories yet oddly connected to the things I wanted to find
And as the darkness took me in, my breathing became labored and I thought hope was all gone
Just at that point when I thought I could never escape the long and winding roads of my mind and have to live forever in darkness
I hit the end... and then... there was light
I did not slip in to madness I have emerged just fine

Flushed

I breathe in anguish like oxygen
I exhale love like the wind
I digest pain like food and it breaks down into depression that my body uses for nourishment
But all the things that my body needs
Like hope, happiness, compassion and other pleasantries
It can not digest and use,
Is fully excreted
Discarded into the bowl of total destruction and flushed away in a swirl of forgotten dreams
Permanently removed to leave me so depressively
Then in again I breathe

Forest

Photo by Noel Zepeda

I'm crying on the inside
Cliche, I know... But its true
Inside me is a forest of depression
Its beautiful, magnificent full of everything my heart desires but doesn't need
Trees of sadness, birds of anger, chipmunks of pain, butterflies of hate
Wild mushrooms of destruction, raw berries of denial
Foxes and rabbits, beavers and dear
Plant life of all kinds all renamed and labeled in strife

Then there's water, tears of depression
All mine, my creation
Falls from the sky on cue to keep this forest alive... Help it thrive...
It flows into rivers full and clear with fish to be eaten by the wild bears
Divides into sections due to the beavers dams
Makes random puddles that float amongst the grass
Sometimes it pours and other times it drizzles and sometimes it rains though the sun has risen
Though on the surface it looks wonderful and grand
Nothing is as it seems for this surface is me

I'm looking out on the real world and see nothing but despair
Each tree, each bird, each person, all beliefs, just appear, to me, to be, just different forms of misery
so I smile and hide and cry on the inside as I fall apart
As I loose hope and darken my heart

I see me lost, alone, destroyed, going nowhere cause everything around me is trying to destroy me
Making me realise that I hate me
Hate who I am
Where I live
How I look and see nothing but pain, how I can only see how worthless I am
How all my relationships are doomed to fail
And my friendships... Who knows... Would I even be my friend
If I wasn't me... Maybe

So I smile, I laugh and I play
Try to ignore that my soul isn't fading but already lost, destroyed and withered away
My eyes blackened by how much I hate me but to the world they look bright and shiny and full of hope
I cry enough to keep my inner world alive
Feed it with the grey world I live in on the outside
Nurture it with each breath knowing that no matter how hard the rain may fall
My forest of depression will grow, stand tall
In this forest I rest my head, I sleep where my feet land
Depression is my home

Yes, I know its beauty is a farce but its all I know
So I'll cry and cry and cry, though you'll never see it
Cause if I stay In your world I know I'll take my life
But my forest is real to me, here I am alive

Prisoner

I'm attached, glued, pressed together, tied up and chained
Forcibly held, against my will, refrained, permanently detained
Cemented, stamped, imprinted, stuck, sealed,
To the earth, the ground, the planet, the soil, the sand,
To a place that rejects me yet won't let me go
To a land that hates me but holds me prisoner
Treats me like a disease, is infected by each breath I breathe
And I am affected by its hatred of me
I want to be free, but the world won't let me leave
It torments me with each step
Burns my insides with each breath
Does all it can to make me want to break away yet holds on to me so tight I can't escape
I'm a prisoner in my own skin
Imprinted by a life that doesn't want me
That I don't want to be in
My wrists, my hands, my ankles, bleed the blood of the person I don't want to be
Trying to escape this world that has chained me
A land that has no place for me and never shies away from telling me so... Letting me know
But I am human so here I must stay, until my time has passed away
I am chained, tied up, pressed together and glued, attached to this world by my race.