Pieces

Another lost love just broke my heart again
Left me shattered again
No longer whole again
And as I cried and went through the usual
How could I be so stupid again
Let emotions blind me again
Fall for the same lines, lies, eyes that swear to tell truths in misleading words that they hide behind again
I decide this time it will be different.
I won't do it the same as before, walk back down that road of it must be me self-loathing pain again
Because if it is me, then something must change

This Is A Dream

I once penned the phrase 'what if my life belonged to someone esle'
And at first all I got was hate
People saying how could you say that
Mostly Christians on their crusade to say god really loves you
Don't feel that way and it will all get better
And so on and so forth predictable to the letter and I thought
What bullshit
Like they never doubted themselves
Never questioned existence and thought why god, why me
Always turning the eye to the truth that sometimes you do think this god thing is a falsity
But yet... here I am, thinking I cant be me and the real me is out there
Trying to find me
Searching, hunting, but it doesn't here me calling
Well, the truth is, it thought I was someone else
And the me i should be is in their body
Bringing them the joy and happiness that I wont ever be finding
So I'll swim in my place, and say once again, but differently
This life is a dream, this person can't be me

30

I climbed the mountains and fought the fight
In the light, in the dark, the battle moved on
Learning maturity
Rules made... some broken
And then I hit it
That space that makes you look back
That point in your life when it's all supposed to make sense
You look back and can say "yes"  I did good
And all I could do was shake my head and cry
Drown in the abyss of the person I'd become
The person so far from what I thought I should be
And as my tears fall into the darkness and the inevitability of me drowning in a pool of my own disappointment surrounds me I realise... this empty void of failure that is me is endless
There is no top, no bottom, no sides
Just a universe expanding into infinity and folding back in on me at the same time so I'm consumed with a fire of all the things I wish I weren't
And as I self-reflect at this junction in my life and wonder if it's worth saying
Repeating
Revealing
Telling of the things that envelope me knowing some people will pass this rant by
Care nothing for the thing that makes us human, me human, and feel no need to connect to that which brings us all together as one
As I wonder on this I realise... I have no answer
I only know that I'm unhappy and each breathe takes me further towards discontentment and I see no good in the me I've become
Just a sad lonely shell of a man that is so far from where he should be at this stage
Who is this man?
What is this man?
Who is this man?
And why does he always want to cry but smiles all the time through constantly dry eyes
What happened to his soul and is there a way to get it back
Is there a way to return to the days of old when...
When what...
Was I always this way
I couldn't have been
There must've been a time when I had love, joy, a passion inside that shun bright enough to keep hope visible in the darkest of darks
And through all my ponders and wonders and realisations that solve nothing, I think how did I make it this far without knowing I was dying
How did it get to the point that I've forgotten how to heal
Who was I
What have I become
I can no longer consider myself a who because I've moved from human to thing
What was once a he has become an it and turned who am I to what is it that stares back at me
No longer human am I
I am depression
Loss
Failure
Defeat
Disappointment and Self Loathing
All these things and more
And with each second passed since that day that should've brought much joy, I float ever so purposefully down the dismal street of reality and further away from the fantasy I created for myself
All the truths they came to me
The day that I hit thirty

Why

I look at the two of you together and all I can I think is ‘why’

Why them and not me

Why does that person get to hold your hand when you are the one destined for me

Why are they the one in your arms at night

The one who’s receives your kisses

Why can’t I know what it feels like to have you in my arms

Take me to places that were designed for only us and swim in the seas of something more than love

Why aren’t I experiencing that connection, the healthy infatuation, the jubilation and sensation of being the one you designate your pet name to

Why can’t I have the joy of finding one for you

How could the universe be so cruel as to put me in a place where everytime I see the one destined for me, it is latched onto something it doesn’t want but pretends to want, more than me

Why do I yearn for that which is mine but somehow can never really be mine

Why do I send myself spiraling further into bitterness when I see such displays of false love, and try to will myself into another dimension where me and this type of person can happen

Your smiles enrage me

Your touches enflame me

Your public displays of infection set my soul ablaze because I know the truth of the situation, that it is all a fabrication so that you can pretend you don’t want what you want… and that is me

Me watching with eyes of want and longing and hating myself for succumbing to the need to have what I know you can give

On the dance floor hip in hip I watch as the two of you make music with your bodies, to confuse and misdirect the world towards an idea that your love is real

Your unit is solid in the way that jello turns from boiling water to solidification in the fridge, only to melt back into liquid under the magnifying glass heat of keen observation

Yeah… I see through your farce yet still here I am

Wondering why

Thinking why

Wanting to remove my why and change it into you so instead of “why them” it would be “you” and me

Together eternally, blissfully, a unit real and true

One that speaks to the real you but it will never be true, cause the charade is the reality for you, and the truth is something you hide in the shade of your public existence

But through all this it still comes down to why

Why them and not me walking beside you down the street

And then it happens, the glance, the stare

The moment they disappear into a store and you feel the need to linger, roam outside the door

I pretend I don’t know what’s coming but I’ve been here before

Casual noncommittal conversation

Number exchange

In my phone I save it

And you pretend I’m just some guy you know when your girl walks back out the store, and I nod say goodbye and move on

Wont let you see the sad look on my face as I realize why it’s them and not me

I delete your number and sink back into my bitter ‘why’ state

I know why

It’s because I refuse to play your game

Be the one to hurt her heart while you toy with mine

Go fuck with another person’s life

Then I see someone else, displaying all the signs

And I think

Why

Why god oh why

First Swim

I started of on a swim
Invigorating
No cares in the world
Didn't matter where I was going
Why I decided to swim that day
It only mattered that it felt so good
And there were others apparently of the same mind but I only focused on me

The longer I swam the more I began to think how much longer it would be until I met the end
The end of the journey I couldn't even remember starting
Then the why's and where's did come to me
Ideas that made me feel even better about the never ending possibilities of this journey
Somehow I knew that this was the start of something great
This was back in the days I could breathe underwater
A feet I would never again be able to do
But for now I could

The water was so warm
It calmed my soul
Lifted me to a place that again made me think of the end
If this felt so good would I take this onto dry land
What was dry land anyway
Where did this thought come from
I realized that my life existed only from the beginning of this swim
I knew nothing else but the warmth and elation of my journey
Maybe I was designed to swim for eternity
And then... there it was
A utopia
A sight to be worshiped
I had to reach this place
Enter it
See the wonders it held
I knew that this was my destiny
But all those around me seemed to feel the same

The race was on
I started to panic
What if i wasn't the fastest
The strongest
The bravest
What if no one else wanted to share this new world with me
And as I reached the orb of beauty, not first, I put all that aside and concentrated on breaking in
I had to get in
I just had to
And then it happend
The surface cracked and inside I went
And all those around me were trapped outside
But I didn't care
This was my destiny

Over thirty years have passed since then
I cant breathe underwater now when I swim
I'm depressed, miserable, alone and cold
But I know in the beginning I was warm
Sheltered from the world in my mothers womb

If I could restart that's where I would go
To the moment in time when it all began
Not some random place in time that I think would change the meaning of the word I
As it pertains to me that is
Because things have become so... well...
I don't even want to think about
LIfe just sucks ass
That's how good it hasn't gotten

But I wish I could go back
Do everything oh so different
But a redo is only a novelty idea
And I know no mater how hard I will it to be
The happy tadpole,
Again,
I'll never be
I can never begin again

The Passing of the Joint

I watch the fire rise, with a child on my back

Feel the heat as the wind wafts it against me

And I think... This shit is awesome

Vindicating

I feel release with each deep breath 

As the black clouds enter me it's like poison to cure poison

All the shit the world done to me is canceled out and with each exhale I breathe out the evil inside

Inhale

Exhale

Inhale

Exhale

Inhale

Exhale

Exhale

Inhale

Exhale 

Inhale

Exhale

Inhale

I look high into the sky and the clouds slowly retract

The beauty of black and fire-orange are on a smooth track back to the ground

My awesome-shit feeling is returning to what it was before awesomeness

I notice for the first time tears traveling up into, not down, from my eyes

My soul is slowly retoxifying with all the things it started off cleansed from

The fire is slowly shrinking down to its source and the weight of the world flows back into me

My reversing tears become heavier and heavier as my body burns with a rage that seems more than mine

As the fire reaches it's source it disappears from view and then there is only smoke

The only noise is the raging beat of my heart

Then there is a crash, the sound of shattering glass

From the abyss a bottle flew out to me and my right hand extends to catch it, a rag was attached to it burning in flames

Neglected

I am green
I am blue
I am the dirt, the roots of plants
I am viens and smooth
Hard and soft and many things
But mostly I am underappreciated
Used and wasted
Not loved by those who have me and cherished by those who don't have but want me
The remains of me can be found everywhere by those who take me for granted
Littered across the streets

I carry a lot of things both good and bad
Powers to heal and the strength to kill
Those who have me care not much for the have-nots
And those who have-not crave from my touch, my feel
So many things a bit of me can do, but most people just look and see right through
Take me into there hands, warm me, chill me, devour me, then forget me
I'm something that you need but I'm treated like something that you just have
Purchased and as useless as that pair of shoes still in the box in your closet

But I've gotten used to the neglect
Over the years all the services I provide have been reject by the minds of so many
But there was a time when people danced for me
Beat their drums for me
Sent their hearts up to the sky and yearned to have me in their presence
They worshiped and adored me
These days, I am the sister to air
Something you take for granted and only care about until it has been contaminated
Destroyed by your own means
And then suddenly you care when the quality no longer fits your needs
Yeah I am like air, underappreciated
I wish one day things would change
My name would once again be reverenced
The gifts and standards I provide be cherished
That I would be looked upon and seen, and not seen through
For I am beautiful
I am everything
I am water, the color of life.