The Greatness Inside

It’s that time of year again when everyone remembers how to love
Everything is red and made for lifetime tv romcoms are trying to start a chick flick world revolution
Hearts and balloons and hugs and smiles, it’s like Christmas times ten
Cringeworthy
Just ugh
And while everyone is trying to make up for the first six weeks of failure
42 days of chances to prove love have past and wasted
I’m walking into work, just going through the motions like “Fuck I didn’t even know it was Valentine’s day today

Fake It to Make It

This year hasn't been the greatest

Nor this one just past

Or the ones previously and it seems I will be perpetually stuck here to continuously live the insanity and revisit the calamity of the catastrophe of this thing called my life

Considering how things are going I see no signs of change or things going in a direction that gives me hope to drive on through

Frozen

I'm in a rut,
Glued to a position cant seem to change my condition,
My purpose, the path I'm on, the direction I'm going
Continuously to be seen in a certain space my place in life determined by a will other than mine
No matter how hard I try to move in a way that's different from the predetermined direction I should be taking, nothing happens
I become motionless, frozen, incapable of changing course and the pain to do so seems great enough to do me in
I'm in a battle with my soul and the universe

Face

This is the face of a man who woke up the same as every other man... not dead
One who thought he had something to live for but found he had nothing worth dying for
A man who thought he had something for the world
To leave behind, to give a voice worth being heard

Lemonade

When life hands you lemons make lemonade they say
But life forgot the water, the juicer, the pitcher to put it in
You can't just up and make it without the tools needed
Everything needs to fall in place
The stars aligned at the right time to provide an escape from the madness of life
If only it were so simple to just wish something into existence
Wave a magic wand and poof, lemonade has arrived
Abracadabra I did it... wait, no I didn't

Beautiful

He calls me beautiful as if it were my name
In a tone so smooth it melts away the pain
Falls on my ear like birds on a spring day, keeping my heart in sink like the patter of falling rain
Cool, refreshing, invigorating, intoxicatingly sweet are all the things this one word brings
His voice sings to my aura and flies on wings of love, that even when it seems too much he gives more with no signs of giving up

Prayer Unheard

I sent a prayer into the sky, but I don't think God was listening
Didn't hear the desperation, helplessness of my condition
Didn't feel the hurt the pain, couldn't see hope as it went away
Nor see faith as it hid deep in the darkness of my heart that shattered my soul
Couldn't hear it crack nor feel the splinters that exploded like ball bearings in a pipe bomb
Into all the places there was light letting the shadows creep in leaving the pieces of my soul lost in the dark unable to rejoin with each other

Mission Incomplete

I thought about ending my life today

Put a stop to the pain

Make it through all the rain

I thought about ending my life today

Leave behind all the madness

The hurt anguish and sadness

I thought about ending my life today

But at the moment of execution

Came to a shocking conclusion

I thought about ending my life today but couldn't ….

I didn't love myself enough to follow through

©Samuel Alexander May 2017

Sharing

Swim with me through waters so pure,

in rivers and lakes and oceans of love.

Fly with me through the clouds, through clear blue skies,

with the eagles, the doves.

No Tears

Today I tried to cry and failed I didn't have the strength
Found I'd passed the point of no return beyond the deep of my emotional wealth

Knocked down the walls of sanity scattering the pieces of my humanity
To the furthest reaches of the land too separate to be made whole again

Swam through the darkest of darks leaving most of me behind
Walked into the light to learn that I only brought the will to survive

When Enough Is Not Enough

Have you ever felt you’ve given so much more than you had

The very air you breathe,

Down to your last breath

Sacrificed too many pieces of your heart

Sold too many parts of your soul

Felt like your physical strength was depleted

Gave up too much of your psychological well being

Rescued

I don’t know how you did it or even why you tried

What you saw in me was hidden much too deep for me to find

I don’t know how it got this bad, how things got so far gone

Why you came into my life to write all of the wrongs

I couldn’t see how bad it was, see the grey within the dark

Where my path had gone astray, a miscalculation gone too far

In a hole so deep and empty it became my truth, my way of life

What I was before… destroyed, the light left from my eyes

I didn’t see you standing there, couldn’t see you through the fog

Weighted down by my reality, I thought all hope was lost

Stolen Fruit

Where are the fruits of our hard work through all these years

What happened to our plans, our future, our dreams

The life we were supposed to share

The place we had to go

What did you do with the pieces of my soul that I gave to you so freely

Willingly on the hopes that together we would swim in the seas of love forever

Destiny

Take my hand,

Place it in yours and let the touch of our skin release our inner joy

Move it from me into you and you into me until it blends into a being made almost entirely of love

Sprinkled with lust and a dash of magical dreams that floats on the wind and is transported through our core and out through our pores

Use our hands to massage away the memories of when I was just a me and you were just you and let our connection bring the transformation from a you and I to an us

Use our thumbs to wipe away the tears of pain when life throws us in the rain

Our hands to hold the umbrella above us to shelter us from the storm

Let our fingers intertwine and the electricity ignite the passion of our destiny

Let our touch be enough and more than enough all at the same time and…

Cracked

Constant continuous cracks in the soul
Looking for filler, something, anything strong enough to hold together the pieces
Fix the fractured entity that lies deep within the wells of my inner being
The one no-one sees, hears, that exists just a few levels below my heart
The foundation of all that I am, shattered, again and again by the world, people, humans
Creatures just like me but not the same
Built the same but functioning on a different plane

Shore

I feel the warmth of the sand, moving between my feet
I turn and look behind me, see your footprints beside mine and smile
Bring my head back front, our eyes meet and everything melts away

In this moment there is just you and me,

Holding hands
Walking along the shore, feet in the sand
I feel your toes brush against mine, the sand meshing between our skin as you lean up just slightly to place other skin to skin... your lips,
on my lips, the sound of the waves as I close my eyes and envelope the beauty of the beach
The power in the ocean, as strong as the love in your heart that crashed against an unworthy soul like me
Swallowed me whole and sucked me into the wonder of you

Sleep

You slept on me

Simply pretended you did believe,

In the dreams I did conceive

Thought I'd be too blind to see

You slept on me

Told me you were down for the ride

Even walked right by my side

Your true intentions tried to hide

You slept on me

Told me that words were inspiring

While all the time conspiring

To kill the flame inside of me

Grey

I see things in grey
I breathe in the colour of neutral
Swim in the places we like to pretend don't exist, avoid, to keep up the pretence of normal
Delve into the thoughts that we try to hide
Release them into the wild and let the emotions run free
Free to become whatever they choose to be
There can be no light at the end of the tunnel without the tunnel so I shall flow into the deepest crevices of existence and experience all life has to offer
The good, the bad, the ugly, the evil and grimy and create a space that understands sorrow and pain so that at the end of the rain I can appreciate the sun that much more

Betrayal

I came upon a pool of water, it seemed so calm, serene.
Something was saying it wasn't safe I turned to leave but then my heart said
"You can swim.  Dive in"
So I did
The water felt cool and calmed my soul then the voice said "deeper" and so... I dove
Into the cool blue I swam then blue turned to dark
I went to swim back up then the voice promised sweet things were waiting at the bottom
It said "Here I'll help you breathe.  Go just a bit further"
Down I went until I couldn't see my way.

My Heart and I

I followed my heart through hell and it left me there
It promised at the end it would better
Told me that I'd come out of the fire new, reborn, a better me than the me that I was transformed into a being far greater than anything I could see myself being
It sung sweet melodies of strength through pain and hummed a tune of torture so agonising it was actually music to my soul
And when I questioned its motives, how it lead me astray before and I came out, well... not so good, it smooth talked me
Sweetly caressed my fears and made my doubts disappear with words it knew I wanted to hear
Lies It knew I'd make myself believe and follow it into the dark in hopes of the life I'd recieve
Good things come through trials they say so I followed
Endured the pain of burning flesh
The fear of endless darkness and paths of jagged rocks that pierced my skin
The heart knows no bounds and I lept with it into the treacherous beyond
Deeper and deeper with only its smooth sultry voice as my guide to the other side
And at the deepest of deeps
Where only the sound of my breathing echoed in the caverns
My body ragged and torn
My soul broken
My will shattered and my faith in all things at its end I heard a laugh
A sound of pure glee, almost psychotic even, manic
And the more I listened the more it seemed that this laugh wasn't glee
It was the sound of success, accomplishment
Here in the deep my heart was laughing at me telling me how I was so easy
That I never learn and thus was fooled by the same game once more
Then it was gone, no doubt to return again with promises I'll believe again
And then I'll find myself here again
Mad at myself for believing again only to be lost again in a situation specifically designed for me to fail at again and again until my failure becomes the norm
I followed my heart through hell and it left me there to realise I'd never really been gone.