Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Relationshipless

This is how I'm feeling today: Everybody but me.

I wrote this a while back but right now.  To sum it up in one blow: I'm talking to someone online seems like it might go somewhere, dunno what happened but we just stopped talking.  While talking to them someone else I've known for years pops into my world, also online.  Not sure where that went especially considering I went to visit them but who knows.  We are still talking so thats a good sign. In between stopping talking to person number one and reacquainting with number two I start chatting with someone else.  This also maybe possibly going somewhere but who knows.  The problem is the forth person.

For just over a year someone genuinely wanted to date me.  Under the pretense that when I was madly in lust for this person they weren't interested, plus the added bonus of me leaving the island I just sorta didn't think it was fair to start something that I knew I would drop as soon as I left this stupid rock I call home for good.  To be more honest we are still friends so I blew them of multiple times in the past year.

How does all this equate to a poem about being alone.... well all of the first paragraph happened since this summer.  Which means after not going for dating someone on the island for about six or seven months I ended up completely changing my view on this long distance thing.  And now I'm not leaving.  So I could've been happy with someone who probably no longer wants me because I was such a distant asshole and avoided all these online long distance dating fails: well possible fails.  All three seem to still be lingering on in that I have no idea where this is going phase.  On the other hand I'd still be so anti long distance had I not said no to person number four in the first place.

So in the new year with the new me why am I so alone, sad, and miserable   That evil word settle.  After reading this by a fellow google plusser I realise it's totally my fault.  I'm through with sending enough messages during the day to be a stalker.  Done with trying to keep in contact with people who always want me to speak first.  So over anyone trying to force me into their ideas of what a relationship should be.  I'm over thirty.  I'm done with the whole conventional idea of how I should behave or act in a relationship.  I make my own rules and there are loads of people out there who like people just like me.  Just the way I am.  With no objections and wont try to force me to buy them a birthday gift or a christmas gift or any other societal relationship norm type of present.

So lonely... yes... happy... definitly not.  Every now and again I do meat someone that I will temporarily stalk... probably only for a day or two.  I'm hopeful that I wont be alone and miserable forever and just when I think things might be looking good.... I meet another person who only wants to say hi when they do.  Only wants to meet when it's okay with them.  Say's they want to date but only wants to meet in their apartment during booty-call hours.  God what is it with these people and how do they keep making me think, if only for a week at best, that it's worth it to send them casual messages just to say hi during the day.  Only to realise that I could message them once a week and they would still only talk to me when they feel like it.

So refusing to put up with bull shit should make me happy.  No.  My phone is beside me and I'm hoping and praying that one of the above mentioned people will actually message me first.  Will actually start a dialogue first.  Will act, even if it's all pretend, that they genuinely are interested in me.  If I held my breath I would die but here I am still, believing that it might just happen.  Thats what it's like in this sad existence of mine.  I'm clearly not one of those people happy with not settling.  Happy with holding out for what I know I deserve.  And most importantly not happy with the thought that what I need I might've passed by for a reason that no longer matters to me.

It's funny how much things can change in one year but here I am.  Glad about my choices not to settle.  Confident in my decisions, but oh so desperately wishing that one day I will be wrong and that my phone will actually buzz with thoughts of me before I message someone with thoughts of them.  So I'm not happy, and chances are I will never settle.  So my soul will be at constant battle with my heart and my mind will continue to try to find a compromise to make them both swim in the clouded waters of my aura into calm clear seas of harmony.  But that is an impossible task.

So I'll down another glass of wine, and raise a toast to the unhappy yet good decisions of life.  And with each sip I'll drown away all doubt and my phone shall disappear from sight and mind, until tomorrow when I wake up and check it again for messages and then start sending out mines.  Day two will have begun and on day three I will harden as always and the messages will stop and I'll move on.  I'm getting colder with age but whatever... I'll take that if it means never ever having to settle.  Happiness is overrated anyway.

3 comments:

  1. Happiness and Love are overrated if you ask me. Which you didn't. So just a theory of mine.

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    1. I didn't realise this was a good starter until just know when i read your response. I guess i can have my moments of genius after all.

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  2. This is brutally honest, and a great emotional release. Playing the cat and mouse game in love equates to someone not being happy. Sometimes you must take big steps for that risk, but sometimes you have to sit back and realize it probably wasnt the right time, especially if your actions proved otherwise. Some things flow, some things don't. Some people are in our lives for a moment, some for a lifetime. We have to have the patience to see which ones are the blessings that will see us in all our glorious mess: full of mistakes, real emotions, regrets, and a whole lot of love to give.

    I hope you find what you're looking for, my friend. You can always chat with me if you need an ear, or silent company.

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